Cheetah7

It doesnt make it easier living next door but it would sure make a difference being able to hold their hand rather than offer comfort via a camera but I accept that cant happen in my case and that is something I accepted when I emigrated although underestimated how hard it would be.

Noone should cancel migration plans for someone else because of a guilt trip but just keep in mind that if parents are making you feel guilty, understand their fears behind it, bite your tongue and keep up the good relations because when you do move, whatever memories you have taken with you, cross/angry words wont be part of that.

(doesnt make sense - just hard for me to describe it )

mavine1

I got an email from my mum this morning.

i not spoken to my grandaughter in weeks she most likely forgoten all about me now was so close miss her loads but you all so happy there which is good may be i will see all again one day.

We didn't catch up on Skype last weekend because my mum was away camping all weekend. And she knows we a flying to the uk for a few weeks in December. Sigh...sometimes I just wish I got 'hello my love how are you? Is everything ok?' fat chance.

Cheetah7

Hugs to you xxxx

You just carry on making the best of your life and your family - that is all you can do. Send her photos/emails etc, SKYPE when you can and you know you have done your best.

Any lack of contact will not be on your part and nothing you should feel bad for. xxx

Bermudashorts

Oh dear. That is what I would call a very manipulative email. I think you should not react, ignore it and answer "normally", hopefully she will give up when she realises it is not getting the reaction. Isn't that what we say about stroppy toddlers.

jmc

Hi i know exactly what you are going through!

We decided to tell my mum and dad as soon as we started to apply for our visa and thought it would best for them to come to terms with it before we left, when we told them it went better than i thought and there response was i dont blame you this country is going to the dogs, well the weeks went by and nothing was mentioned about the A word they didint tell anyone and it was like it was never mentioned in the first place. months went by and i had to get some details of there DOB for visa and well it was like world war 2, you would never imagine the hurt words my mum came out with, emotional blackmail all how could we take their grandchildren away (10 and 13) at the time, all what we have done for you we have given you everything, they blamed my husband as he was taking us away.

I felt awfull was not sleeping, feeling very selfish and guilty and it was like walking on egg shells and i told my mum i would not go, mum told me to go as she couldnt live with that either.

We battled through and my heart was not really in emigrating by now as my mum had been so mean, we finally got our visa in march 2007 and what should have been a happy time but this was not to be and they still thought that we would bottle out of it, it was also hard for the children as they were feeling the tension of it all, we sold our house and when the shippers came mum and dad came round to drop the children off from school they sat in the kitchen with boxes all around them and never mentioned the A word, i phoned my mum a few days later to see if they wanted any garden pots as we could not take them and would be moving out in a few days her response was so when are you going, all the talking to them just did not sink in.

We finally left for Melbourne in Oct 2007 and to be honest it was a great lift off my shoulders when we were on the way to the airport as no more walking on eggs shells, it was the hardest thing i have ever done and to be honest if i knew how it was all going to be with them i did think i would have gone through with it all, i had some great friends along the way to encourage us and not making me feel guilty.

I am glad we made the move as we have now been here 5 years now and have just got our Aussi citizeship, the kids love it here and have thrived, i would never go back to live, as for my parents we went back to visit 2 years ago and my even said you have moved for the right reasons, but that still doesnt help them they are totally gutted thet we have left them and i dont think they will ever get over it, but it is my family that i have to think of, my mum will still not ask about where we live and is not happy for me, my dad is really hurting but has never said anything hurtful, they wil not talk to my husband and they dont talk about him which is very hard for me.

I think some times you have to be selfish or else you wouldnt do anything.

Good luck it will be all worth it.
Lou

OzJo

It is a grieving process. For some it is jealousy! You are doing something that they may not have the courage to do. It takes a while to work through it and there will be tears! My mum " came round " the week before we left!!

mavine1

How sad that 5 years on they still harbour the ill feeling and sadness. If they haven't come to terms with it yet I think you are right I don't think they will. I guess there is no hope of them coming to visit then either...Outnof interest do you have any siblings? If so what has their action been? Mine have sided with my parents so I really have been isolated from my whole family.

jmc

I have a brother who moved to be near them a year before we left, not knowing that we would be moving away, he doesnt really agree with what we have chosen to do and has sided with my mum, it does get easier but still very difficult at times, my mum said that she would never come and visit as we were the ones that have moved away, but im sure my dad would love to come and vist but held back, they are both fit and in there late sixties, but it is them that are missing out on seeing there grandchildren.

carzinoz

So many sad stories on here about families getting hurt.

Just wanted to add a positive note...four years ago my folks were gutted we were leaving, very dramatic.

Last night my daughter was showing them round her room using skype on her new I pod, then they switched to the lap top and my 3 year old niece and my folks were chatting to my daughter again on skype with me and hubby popping in and out of frame and saying hullo. Despite my folks misgivings and angry statements about how they'd only see their grandaughter a few more times in their life time etc etc they have a relationship, they enjoy speaking to each other, those angry words are in the past, it's fine!

Last week I tried to be brave and after many years avoiding mentioning how much this is home to me I cautiously commented that I'd love to be buying a home here like my sis just has in Scotland. Mum totally took it in her stride, no animosity just a normal chat about it.

So there is hope Go gently, ride out the rough times and things can get better with time.

Beoz

Can't believe so many people have the same issues. I thought it was just our family and primarily the moodiness and narrow mindedness of my father in law. Well ....and oddly .... Kind of makes me feel a little better that there are so many of you.

carzinoz

Mabye we could get a group discount on a psycologist?

koalakim

Facebook group for abandoned parents

The one good thing about us going is that my folks have made more of a life for themselves, they do things together now, they meet other people. As I said we never had kids so they probably gave up hope of doting on grandkids probably when I hit my 40's!

However, my friend who lives in abroad with kids and grandkids overseas. Whilst she misses them she doesn't dwell on it on like some people. She says many a time she knows people (usually the granny) give up and go back to the UK to be near the grandkids. I'm sure the grandkids would much rather have a granny in abroad! I just find it hard to believe that grandparents don't/can't forge a life for themselves and it's all centered around grandkids but then I'm not that maternal so maybe I don't see it!

carzinoz

I love that idea Koalakim!

We all have this forum for support but as far as I know there's nothing for the ones getting left behind.

lesleys

We don't have children either. Some people just can't understand how we can live without them (we didn't actually have a choice). Even now people just assume we have kids and the standard question is "How many grandkids have you got?" "None", we say, and get that look of pity/smugness that they have them. Then they say "Still time". "No", we say, "it's just not possible".
It's just another manifestation of people who can't imagine a lifestyle other than their own. They think they have everything they need and have never had to imagine an alternative, so when someone disturbs their happy little world are left shocked and unprepared to change.

Pom_Chch

It is an awkward situation to be in when parents react like this and I do feel for you all. My parter and I decided to emigrate down under as soon as we came back from our round the world trip. We knew we wanted to go but we had to arrange visas, get jobs to save money and attend some weddings first so we are still in the UK and looking at leaving early 2013. At first we were very open with my partners mum about moving but now we don't mention anything about it. When we mentioned it at first she was very bitter, snapped at us and just went on about what we'll have abroad is no different to what's in the UK. It's a shame really because we would like to talk to her about our experiences (we've already been down under on 2 month holiday) and what we plan to do down under when we arrive but I find myself biting my tongue and thinking "nope don't mention the move, it's not worth the hassle." It's almost becoming a swear word! At the stage we are now we've both had our medicals and police reports so it will be time to apply for the visa soon and then apply for jobs, but we haven't mentioned it for a while. We are not sure whether to bring it up or just leave it. My partners mum hasn't asked anything about it recently so she's either thinking we aren't going any more or we are going and she doesn't want to know. My parents on the other hand seem OK with it. They love travelling and different cultures so perhaps they understand it a little more, who knows!

I wish everyone luck and hope it all works out with letting their parents down gently!