koalakim

Been there and got the t-shirt and battle scars! Being an only child it wasn't easy but 5 years on they've kind of accepted it, Mum (I don't like internet or computers) is now totally addicted to her iPad and the internet and is now in control of Skyping me each week!

The upside is that my folks had to go and make a life for themselves, fortunately they live in a good community and are now more social with their fellow neighbours and they have found the internet.

We too said we'd try it for a couple of years, plus we also went back after 9 months for 2 months so it was an extended holiday which helped ease the situation. We've also been back each year apart from this year as we really needed a proper holiday for ourselves. We know we have to go back next year but really hoping I can find some reasonably priced flights as they are horrendous at the moment for next year!

Maybe put aside some cash for a trip back after a year, the first leaving after a trip back will be hard. Some years it's been harder than others.

It's not going to be easy for them, it's always harder for the ones staying put and watching others leave but if it's something you have to do, then you have to do it. You don't want to be in your old age wondering, what if..?

It's just a shame that Oz is so far away from the UK, it would have been easier to go to Europe and I'm sure I might have got them to come and visit but I can't see them ever coming over to us now. Can't even get friends out here which is a shame, they want to come but can't because of circumstances and the rubbish exchange rate makes it expensive.

Good luck, it's the initial shock but do all you can to try and ease the pain for them. We haven't got kids but to be honest I don't think that made it any easier!

Zen10

We use Skype and everyone enjoys it immensely, plus we send videos and photos back most days. It's really up to the parents whether they are part of the experience or not. Most of our family are very supportive and consequently they are very involved because they join in and express an interest. A small part is less supportive and don't express an interest or ask what we get up to so of course they get sent less stuff from us and ironically see less of us because of their attitude.

quoll

I've been on both sides of this one and to be honest you do have to be selfish to survive a major displacement - I know some people object to being called that, but think of it as a survival strategy. If you aren't selfish (doing what you want to do with your life) and very self sufficient you are going to find moving away from your extended support network to a foreign country for an adventure a very hard slog indeed.

I am an only child and I did it to my parents, taking away their, then only, grandchild. They worked out what was best for them - regular 6 month visits to Aus. Now my parents are old and frail and I am over the moon to be back in UK to support them but one son and my grand kids are in Aus. They have their own lives to lead and whilst a few more photos would be lovely and Skype is passable (but not the bees knees that some folk seem to find it) I find the best way to cope is to be rather disengaged from them. I don't love them any the less but (and being selfish here) that's my survival strategy - if I were to pick at the sore of missing them every day/week with a major Skype session it would make separation much harder. When we first moved to Aus in 1979 that was probably the best thing - communication was expensive and slow so you just got on with living your own life and not wallowing on a daily basis on what you had left behind.

Enjoy your adventure if that is what you want but you will have to be quite hard.

mya77

Thanks to everyone who has replied, it gives me a much more balanced view. I know they will never come round and certainly wouldn't visit (they don't even go on holiday anywhere they apparently don't see the need to!). One question to beoz please, I feel this will be my situation so how does Mrs beoz cope? Can she enjoy her life out there or is it making it too difficult to settle? (sorry a little personal I know but id love an answer from someone living with it) xxx

Beoz

Happy to help. At first she was very home sick, which is completely natural but it gets less and less. Got to get yourself into work, activities, mothers clubs, whatever is your thing. She is fine now and really enjoys herself, got a good group of friends through work and mates who have moved over from the UK. She's on the skype now to parents, they seem happy today, and have yet to make any comments - the call isn't over yet . Funny thing is they are beginning to ask lots of questions about Oz now - they do that when they are happy. When not the A word doesn't get mentioned.

mya77

Thanks beoz makes me feel all is not lost and there is hope. Id hate to think that id lose the relationship with my parents and then that helps destroy any chance of settling in our new life too. I'm determined to meet lots of people and enjoy our new life and with my work it should be easy but there are emotions you cannot overcome so I'm glad Mrs is able to xxx

mya77

Quoll you really can talk from both sides! I see what you mean about being selfish (the word sounds ugly but in this case its self preservation). This is obviously what they are doing to cope and rather than taking their reaction on my shoulders I should try to accept it and see why. In return I have to be selfish and concentrate on the logistics of what me and my husband and kids are doing? Thanks I feel in a much less mentally and emotionally wrecked place :-)

Beoz

It will be tough. Moving country is. Your parents will be upset and will play emotional mind games but they will get used to it and get bored and tired of being upset

lesleys

It was my parents who moved offshore and left us! They only went as far as the Isle of Man but knew they wouldn't see much of us as it was a tortuous journey for us from Kent. They did what they wanted and were very happy - best thing they did.

You can't hang around waiting for another generation to die out before you claim your independence - resentment will only grow.

Likewise you must not expect your children to look after you when you are old. Make your own life.

mavine1

I have also been through all of this. I even pulled the plug in April this year when we were due to move over because my mum was so devasted. However, what I hadn't anticipated was the affect of doing that to my husband and kids. They were absolutely gutted when I said we weren't going after all. It almost cost me my marriage. I then thought what the hell am I doing? My husband and kids have to come first! Ironically my husband then got offered a job here and we decided to go for it and made the move on the 1st August.
As for my mum, well the emotional stuff continues. At first I got emails daily telling me how she'll never get over this and couldn't bring herself to speak to me or the kids on Skype. I wasn't sleeping and it was affecting my kids because we had arrived in this amazing place but my mind was elsewhere. In the end I sent her quite a hard email saying that I was not prepared to listen to her anymore. That I had moved myself and my family across the world and at no point had she asked how me and the kids were. I told her that if one or both of my kids moved abroad I would be devasted but I would never make them feel so guilty that they felt permanently sick and couldn't sleep at night. I then informed her that I would encourage the kids to stay logged into Skype so she could contact them anytime she liked but I wouldn't be picking up any emails any time soon. I got an apology after that and things have improved but I know they will never be perfect. My brother and his family have been supporting my mum and have put stuff on Facebook about me being selfish and being ignorant to the pain I have caused. They post all sorts of pictures of them with mum and put 'all the family together' underneath to make a point. Is all this hard? You bloody bet it is. BUT, I look at my kids (who by the way have not asked after family once since we have been here) and they are smiling, loving their new life style and I know that we have done the right thing. Either my family will come round or they won't but I won't let it destroy our future here. I asked myself whether I could live here and accept their attitude towards us because it might not change because if I couldn't live with it and spent the whole time in a permanent state of anxiety then there is no doubt that it could destroy our life here. I decided I could and we won't be going back any time soon.
Good luck. You have a tough road ahead but it's worth it.
Mav
Mav

Jan4kids

In 2004 my Mother in Law in her late 70's was dead set against our move and pulled many of the emotional moves mentioned above. She was hurting and sad and she was complaining the only way she knew how...things got nasty quite a few times and hurtful stuff was said

After our move we ignored her 'tantrums' and kept writing, phoning, sending Birthday cards photos etc and a couple of times we had web-cam chats when she was at my Sister In Laws. She probably had more contact/news updates than before we left!

In 2007 she and a friend flew over to Australia for a six week holiday.......

In a nut shell she was blown away...her preconceived ideas of Australia (think Crocodile Dundee ) were over written.....

She loved how rounded the kids had become, the standard of living available to us (in our personal situation),the community spirit, the cleanliness, the opportunity to be anything if you were willing to work for it, the food, the birds, the natural beauty etc etc She had a brilliant time, even travelling to Tasmania to catch up with old post war friends who had emigrated many years before.

.....and early next year she will be emigrating herself, moving into a purpose built Granny flat attached to our house

So see, it might actually turn out alright in the end

Jan

jad n rich

My best friend in Canada, her daughter just left home for the first time, 23 always lived at home, working holiday in NZ and OZ.

She was so upset, and said 'Its only now I understand how my mother felt" .

macy

I think as parents though, if we have done our job properly our children will want to travel the world, meet new people, experience things and do lots of travelling before they settle down, I miss my kids when they do sleepovers however I know that it's all part of the growing up experience and although I will miss them they should go and see the world and fly the nest and not spend all their lives in QLD!

Beoz

Well put. .... and any parent who wouldn't their children to experience living in a foreign land is depriving their children of a life experience that cannot be taught anywhere and is ultimately only educating their children in the need to be a selfish person ..... perhaps I should say that to the father in law.

jad n rich

Of course they should travel.

However for this lady, she could never quite understand why her mother was so upset when she left England for good, never to return. I think her fear now is her own daughter might not return.

She can now put herself ( emotions ) firmly in her mothers shoes, and sadly her mum died some time ago so she can never tell her now, she knew how much it hurt.