Paul&Ann-Marie

as part of my " National head up your arse day " recuperation period i decided to trawl through some old e-mails and found this gem.

I found number 37 applicable lol

Paul



For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
> ambiguity and those old enough to understand George Carlin!
>
>
> 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet
> the sweaty things.
>
> 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
>
> 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
> 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do
> we still have monkeys and apes?
>
> 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because
> he knows where all the bad girls live.
>
> 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the
> saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
> She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>
> 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
> 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash
> his hands with soap?
>
> 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the
> forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him
> ... is he still wrong?
>
> 10. If someone with multiple personalities
> threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
> situation?
>
> 11. Is there another word for synonym?
>
> 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call
> what they do "practice?"
>
> 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
> it all?"
>
> 14. What do you do when you see an endangered
> animal eating an endangered plant?
>
> 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they
> garnish his wages?
>
> 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>
> 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are
> they afraid someone will clean them?
>
> 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he
> homeless or naked?
>
> 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
> 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>
> 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell
> him he has the right to remain silent?
>
> 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
> bank machines?
>
> 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that
> yellow road sign?
>
> 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
> because they taste funny.
>
> 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>
> 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't
> talk about other people.
>
> 27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>
> 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
> enjoy adultery?
>
> 29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
>
> 30. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the
> rest drown, too?
>
> 31. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you
> still be hungry?
>
> 32. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have
> you done?
>
> 33. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp";
> to have an "S" in it?
>
> 34. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
> instead of "asteroids?
>
> 35. Why is it called tourist season if we can't
> shoot at them?
>
> 36. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it
> because of that song?
>
> 37. If the "black box" flight recorder is never
> damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the>
> whole airplane made out of that stuff?
>
> 38. Why is there an expiration date on sour
> cream?

Pollyana

New e-mails can be as good.......number 3 drove the guys at work mad today!!!

Subject: 20 WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the Memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won!"

18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send this E-mail to someone to make them smile....it's called therapy..!

Paul&Ann-Marie

polly, still chuckling at the one about the zoo car park..........

Paul

nick333

Funny as F**k. Also laughing at the zoo

Jacqui

I found the zoo one funny too, warped sense of humour or what? Trouble is, it happened for real last week, didn't it? On the news they showed a woman being stretchered away after a gorilla escaped from his compound and ran amok, she was badly mauled. The police arrived quickly and shot the gorilla dead. I can't remember what zoo is was though (or what country).

Jacqui

This was used in radio advertising recently, by a local takeaway company hoping to poach customers from McDonald's. They wanted to show that their food was better as well as their staff more intelligent by acting out a typical scene as McDonald's. It went something like this:

Customer: Fries please.

Dozy McD's assistant: Do you want fries with that?

Customer: Er no, just fries please.

Assistant: Yeh, but do you want fries with that?

Customer: No, I just want fries.

Assistant: Yeh, but do you want fries with your fries?

Customer: NO I JUST WANT FRIES!!!!

Assitant: Yeh, but.............
and so it went on. Made me laugh every time it came on.