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Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Old Oct 4th 2021, 11:05 am
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Question Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Dear forum members,
We are a medical couple, planning to move to AZ.
I have a very good job offer in Melbourne and paperwork is in advance stages.
I have been smitten by the idea of moving to AZ, and have given deep thought over the last 3 years, having considered all the usual positives and negetives like: better salries, better life style, more space, better housing etc etc. My Yunger son is in high school and he is to move with us. My elder son is doing Law in a prestigious Uni in London and has very good job prospects in here in the UK. My original plan was that once he complets his Law training (which would take another 3-4 years), he woud move to AZ too. However, of late after thorough research, we have found that the salary in AZ will not be half as good as what he would be getting here in the UK. Which effectively means that he is not likely to move to AZ in future. This is causing now a lot of confusion in my mind; as to:

Should I still move to AZ. Is it worth it?
Will it not cause huge sense of pain and sense of abandonement in my son if I was to still move, and how it will affect both us parents emotionally? (my wife is already loath to idea of leaving one son behind, and she says it is painful to even think that she will be geographically seperated from elder son, thousands of miles apart).
Given the above, my wife is not fully on board, and I am the one who is pushing for the move, how likely is it that the move might cause irreparable harm to our relationship?

I am really confused and worried that this single step of moving might ruin my stable and secure family life and career forever, and could have serious implications for the whole family.
I wonder if anyone else has been in a similar situation? and what you guys will advise me in this situation?

thanks
rajkdabd



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Old Oct 4th 2021, 1:44 pm
  #2  
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by rajkdabd View Post
Dear forum members,
We are a medical couple, planning to move to AZ.
I have a very good job offer in Melbourne and paperwork is in advance stages.
I have been smitten by the idea of moving to AZ, and have given deep thought over the last 3 years, having considered all the usual positives and negetives like: better salries, better life style, more space, better housing etc etc. My Yunger son is in high school and he is to move with us. My elder son is doing Law in a prestigious Uni in London and has very good job prospects in here in the UK. My original plan was that once he complets his Law training (which would take another 3-4 years), he woud move to AZ too. However, of late after thorough research, we have found that the salary in AZ will not be half as good as what he would be getting here in the UK. Which effectively means that he is not likely to move to AZ in future. This is causing now a lot of confusion in my mind; as to:

Should I still move to AZ. Is it worth it?
Will it not cause huge sense of pain and sense of abandonement in my son if I was to still move, and how it will affect both us parents emotionally? (my wife is already loath to idea of leaving one son behind, and she says it is painful to even think that she will be geographically seperated from elder son, thousands of miles apart).
Given the above, my wife is not fully on board, and I am the one who is pushing for the move, how likely is it that the move might cause irreparable harm to our relationship?

I am really confused and worried that this single step of moving might ruin my stable and secure family life and career forever, and could have serious implications for the whole family.
I wonder if anyone else has been in a similar situation? and what you guys will advise me in this situation?

thanks
rajkdabd

It's a question only you can answer as it's totally personal to you and impossible for anyone else to answer. Personally, I'd want to be near my son

One thing that I've found, as most other migrant families have also found, id that if you're both not fully on board with migration, your chances of doing it successfully are very slim. It's a great thing to undertake but it's also very stressful and a lot of hard work = you've both got to want it

Good luck with whatever you decide
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Old Oct 4th 2021, 10:10 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by Amazulu View Post
It's a question only you can answer as it's totally personal to you and impossible for anyone else to answer. Personally, I'd want to be near my son

One thing that I've found, as most other migrant families have also found, id that if you're both not fully on board with migration, your chances of doing it successfully are very slim. It's a great thing to undertake but it's also very stressful and a lot of hard work = you've both got to want it

Good luck with whatever you decide
To add to this - many of us moved here thinking we could still travel and see our families whenever we wanted to. COVID has changed all that, and some of us are now expecting it to be at least many months yet before we are allowed to to reunite with our loved ones - if indeed they are still around when we do get released. And who knows when the next bug will turn up to force us apart again. I'd say the same to anyone considering migration these days - you need to be aware that this could be a very long term or even permanent separation.
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Old Oct 4th 2021, 10:32 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Aha! The piece of string question. If one of you is not on board, the general advice is not to do it.

You have no idea where your sons will eventually end up - they could be anywhere from Alaska to Zanzibar so you probably have to get used to being without them at some stage in your life. How your wife will cope with that is anybody's guess. If you are a close family with large extended family where you are, it is quite likely that she will feel isolated when she is on the other side of the world from everyone she knows and that is never good for a relationship. So bottom line is where do YOU both want to be in your later life - assume your kids will be off doing whatever they want to do with theirs.

If you really think that Australia (Not Arizona as implied by your AZ) will give you all those things you listed, then go for it. If you dont see yourselves in Australia on your own in your old age then dont do it. I speak as a parent/grandparent who has one in UK and one in Aus (but now 4 hours away) - it sucks but you get used to it.

BTW how old is your second son? If he is nearing the end of high school this may be a bad time for him to move and, depending on his age, it might actually be better to leave him in UK to finish A levels.
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Old Oct 4th 2021, 11:53 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by quoll View Post
Aha! The piece of string question. If one of you is not on board, the general advice is not to do it.

You have no idea where your sons will eventually end up - they could be anywhere from Alaska to Zanzibar so you probably have to get used to being without them at some stage in your life. How your wife will cope with that is anybody's guess. If you are a close family with large extended family where you are, it is quite likely that she will feel isolated when she is on the other side of the world from everyone she knows and that is never good for a relationship. So bottom line is where do YOU both want to be in your later life - assume your kids will be off doing whatever they want to do with theirs.

If you really think that Australia (Not Arizona as implied by your AZ) will give you all those things you listed, then go for it. If you dont see yourselves in Australia on your own in your old age then dont do it. I speak as a parent/grandparent who has one in UK and one in Aus (but now 4 hours away) - it sucks but you get used to it.

BTW how old is your second son? If he is nearing the end of high school this may be a bad time for him to move and, depending on his age, it might actually be better to leave him in UK to finish A levels.
The mention of Arizona confused me too, I assume the mention of Melbourne means they are considering Australia, but its not 100% clear is it.
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Old Oct 5th 2021, 2:06 am
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by Pollyana View Post
To add to this - many of us moved here thinking we could still travel and see our families whenever we wanted to. COVID has changed all that, and some of us are now expecting it to be at least many months yet before we are allowed to to reunite with our loved ones - if indeed they are still around when we do get released. And who knows when the next bug will turn up to force us apart again. I'd say the same to anyone considering migration these days - you need to be aware that this could be a very long term or even permanent separation.
Sure, but you'll be travelling next year - by Easter at the latest. Our vaccination levels are getting up there now and will largely be done for everyone who wants one by the end of the year. Yes, it's a mess but 2021 is a write-off for most people around the world. 2022 will be where its at

There will be no permanent separation - unless Australia wants to become the West's North Korea
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Old Oct 5th 2021, 5:02 am
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

The stress of such a move can be severe at the best of times. If one party isn't fully on board it can kill a marriage.
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Old Oct 5th 2021, 7:53 am
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Yes It is Australia. Sorry for confusion.
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Old Oct 5th 2021, 7:55 am
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Thumbs up Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by Amazulu View Post
Sure, but you'll be travelling next year - by Easter at the latest. Our vaccination levels are getting up there now and will largely be done for everyone who wants one by the end of the year. Yes, it's a mess but 2021 is a write-off for most people around the world. 2022 will be where its at

There will be no permanent separation - unless Australia wants to become the West's North Korea

I agree.
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Old Oct 6th 2021, 8:12 am
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by rajkdabd View Post
Dear forum members,
We are a medical couple, planning to move to AZ.
I have a very good job offer in Melbourne and paperwork is in advance stages.
I have been smitten by the idea of moving to AZ, and have given deep thought over the last 3 years, having considered all the usual positives and negetives like: better salries, better life style, more space, better housing etc etc. My Yunger son is in high school and he is to move with us. My elder son is doing Law in a prestigious Uni in London and has very good job prospects in here in the UK. My original plan was that once he complets his Law training (which would take another 3-4 years), he woud move to AZ too. However, of late after thorough research, we have found that the salary in AZ will not be half as good as what he would be getting here in the UK. Which effectively means that he is not likely to move to AZ in future. This is causing now a lot of confusion in my mind; as to:

Should I still move to AZ. Is it worth it?
Will it not cause huge sense of pain and sense of abandonement in my son if I was to still move, and how it will affect both us parents emotionally? (my wife is already loath to idea of leaving one son behind, and she says it is painful to even think that she will be geographically seperated from elder son, thousands of miles apart).
Given the above, my wife is not fully on board, and I am the one who is pushing for the move, how likely is it that the move might cause irreparable harm to our relationship?

I am really confused and worried that this single step of moving might ruin my stable and secure family life and career forever, and could have serious implications for the whole family.
I wonder if anyone else has been in a similar situation? and what you guys will advise me in this situation?

thanks
rajkdabd
Family comes first, do what you can to keep your family together and certainly do not underestimate your wife's feelings on this issue.

May I recommend that you do some more research into the relative salaries between the two countries. Bear in mind job satisfaction and career progression opportunities should be big factors in your son's decision making process and not salary alone.
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Old Oct 6th 2021, 10:41 am
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Unhappy Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by Amazulu View Post
It's a question only you can answer as it's totally personal to you and impossible for anyone else to answer. Personally, I'd want to be near my son

One thing that I've found, as most other migrant families have also found, id that if you're both not fully on board with migration, your chances of doing it successfully are very slim. It's a great thing to undertake but it's also very stressful and a lot of hard work = you've both got to want it

Good luck with whatever you decide


Thanks Amazulu for your comments.
You are right. Its a very personal choice. While I do want to be near my son, and see him growing as a young adult in his profession and personal life (any parent would), I do feel that the long term prospects and life for me, my wife and my younger boy (who is now 15) will be better in Australia ( though there is no guarantee). It sounds a bit selfish for me to think this way but the other side is also true that the kids will chart their own life course, and they themselves might emigrate elsewhere in future. Of course, I should not base my decision on what might or might not happen in future.

As far as my wife is concerned, she is not fully opposed to moving, but deep down in her heart, she wants to be close to my son (i e stay in the UK), and wants my younger one ot pursue higher studies from one of the top universities in the UK ( i e Oxbrige). Incidently, she loves British culture, weather, etc etc. So, yes, she is not fully on board, and i can imagine that she might feel misarble if I was to bulldoze her into moving to AZ. Tricky!
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Old Oct 6th 2021, 10:55 am
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by rajkdabd View Post
Thanks Amazulu for your comments.
You are right. Its a very personal choice. While I do want to be near my son, and see him growing as a young adult in his profession and personal life (any parent would), I do feel that the long term prospects and life for me, my wife and my younger boy (who is now 15) will be better in Australia ( though there is no guarantee). It sounds a bit selfish for me to think this way but the other side is also true that the kids will chart their own life course, and they themselves might emigrate elsewhere in future. Of course, I should not base my decision on what might or might not happen in future.

As far as my wife is concerned, she is not fully opposed to moving, but deep down in her heart, she wants to be close to my son (i e stay in the UK), and wants my younger one ot pursue higher studies from one of the top universities in the UK ( i e Oxbrige). Incidently, she loves British culture, weather, etc etc. So, yes, she is not fully on board, and i can imagine that she might feel misarble if I was to bulldoze her into moving to AZ. Tricky!
From the perspective of an outsider looking in, it's not tricky at all. Your wife hates the idea of leaving her oldest son. She loves her life in Britain. You're already worried that "this single step of moving might ruin my stable and secure family life and career forever, and could have serious implications for the whole family". The only thing in favour of the move seems to be that it's something you wish to do.

Boiling it all down, is it in yours and your family's best interests to leave what sounds like a good life in the UK for a life in Australia that, by your own words, might ruin your family life and career forever?
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Old Oct 7th 2021, 2:04 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
From the perspective of an outsider looking in, it's not tricky at all. Your wife hates the idea of leaving her oldest son. She loves her life in Britain. You're already worried that "this single step of moving might ruin my stable and secure family life and career forever, and could have serious implications for the whole family". The only thing in favour of the move seems to be that it's something you wish to do.

Boiling it all down, is it in yours and your family's best interests to leave what sounds like a good life in the UK for a life in Australia that, by your own words, might ruin your family life and career forever?
​​​​​​And will your older son be able to migrate if you do decide to go? What does your youngest child think of the move? and also his education may be a bit tricky to "sort out" in Australia ...when I have been asked my advice on moves to Australia (something I am never keen on as I would hate to have the finger pointed at) but when pushed...I always say "it's best your all reading from the same book as it can been a very stressful time/move anyway". Good luck. Ps what visa are you heading out on?
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Old Oct 7th 2021, 11:48 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by quoll View Post
Aha! The piece of string question. If one of you is not on board, the general advice is not to do it.

You have no idea where your sons will eventually end up - they could be anywhere from Alaska to Zanzibar so you probably have to get used to being without them at some stage in your life. How your wife will cope with that is anybody's guess. If you are a close family with large extended family where you are, it is quite likely that she will feel isolated when she is on the other side of the world from everyone she knows and that is never good for a relationship. So bottom line is where do YOU both want to be in your later life - assume your kids will be off doing whatever they want to do with theirs.

If you really think that Australia (Not Arizona as implied by your AZ) will give you all those things you listed, then go for it. If you dont see yourselves in Australia on your own in your old age then dont do it. I speak as a parent/grandparent who has one in UK and one in Aus (but now 4 hours away) - it sucks but you get used to it.

BTW how old is your second son? If he is nearing the end of high school this may be a bad time for him to move and, depending on his age, it might actually be better to leave him in UK to finish A levels.

Dear Quoll,
Thanks for your insightful comments. You are right that kids will chart their own life course and may not necessarily stay close to parents (though every parent would wish that). Although I should not base my decision on what could or could not happen in future, but this point makes me wonder if suppose my elder boy moves somewhere far away in a different country than UK, then the whole point of my giving up the Australian dream will be defeated. BTW, I myself immigrated from India in 2004, leaving my own parents and siblings behind!
My younger boy is now 15 and is in GSCE. It will be tough for him to get used to Australian system if we decide to move soon, but I guess he still will have three years in High School there before reaching to Uni. Incidently, he has been to AZ with me for 10 days and he absolutely loved it!
Thanks
X

I am fairly certain that life for me, my wife and younger boy will be better in Australia (plus the elder one will still have an option to join us in AZ, provided he would be willing to accept a much lower salary).
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Old Oct 7th 2021, 11:49 pm
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Default Re: Moving to Australia, but leaving behind my son

Originally Posted by verystormy View Post
The stress of such a move can be severe at the best of times. If one party isn't fully on board it can kill a marriage.
Agree. and thats my worry too.
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