didds

Ian is transferring to Melbourne with his job for a minimum of 2 years and we are due to leave here on 26 June 05. However our daughter, aged 22, doesn't want to come with us. She is living and working in Newcastle upon Tyne where she went to University. I am so unsure about the move because of this. Has anyone else left their children behind?

Bix

Sending you a PM.

kiwichild

Its difficult but:

She is 22, has her life settled as she likes at the moment (good on her)
Your life with your husband is your and his lives
You are only coming for 2 yrs initially, so you can go back later (get oz citizenship incase u want to come back)
If you stay longer you can take holidays in Uk or shout your daughter a holiday to Australia.

I know its not the same, but we have phones, internet, planes here; so you won't be totally cut off from her.

Best of luck

robert cowan

i am also leaving a daughter behind, and taking one with us. my eldest is 20 and is working, she is in a steady relationship, they have bought a house together that needs loads of work done to it. rob has been working on the house, getting it ready for them before we leave for australia. this makes it a bit easier for me to leave her, knowing that we have give them a great start at being independant. they plan to come out to australia in about 4 years, hopefully to get married. maybe then when they see for themselves what it is like, they will consider emigrating themselves.

i have had comments from people "how can you take one and leave one behind" they really try to make out that you are a really horrible uncaring mother. i love both my daughters to bits, but at the end of the day you cannot live each others lives. i could stay in the uk and a few years down the line my daughter could be off to another country to live, what would i do then, follow her! australia is 24 hrs away by plane. i intend to have a return air fare fund when we get there, that will give me peace of mind that if need be, i can come back to the uk in an emergency.

marie

Perthforme

At 22 she is not a child anymore, of course you will miss each other but the world is small now, mobiles email cheaper airfares etc.
You may be suprised how your "Child" will cope on her own .

Chris Mitchell

Hi we are leaving one behind and taking 4 .

Not sure how we are all going to cope without him as the others arenot looking forward to going without him.

Just does not feel right leaving without him but that is his decision and I have to respect that.

Chris

Stormz

My wife left Aus to come to the UK at 20, we`re now going back and she`s 33.

In between she`s seen her parents a number of times with them coming to the UK or us going to Aus (much cheaper to go to Aus from UK than vice-versa).

She`s also been in constant contact via phone (Onetel), and internet video voice-chat.

Plus letters, packages, e-mails, video`s etc.

It`s not all that bad.

Jonahs_mummy

I am speaking from experience here, although the situation was a little different.

My Mum & Step dad emigrated to Aus in 1988 & thru a choice made for me (by my biological father whom I ended up living with refused to let me go with them as they had joint custody) I stayed in England whilst they went to Australia with & took my step-brother James with them.

I found that the adults had not explained the reasons behind their decisions to me... I mean I was 14 yrs old at the time but in their eyes still a child.... Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up believing mum had abandoned me when in fact I discovered when I was in my early 20's that leaving me was in fact the hardest decision she ever had to make.. in fact I am in my 30's now I know she still feels terrible about a decision that was basically taken away from her. At the end of the day, she did what was best for the rest of the family....

There was a lot of animosity between me & both my natural parents because of this... I just didn't understand because of the lack of communication... my point here is COMMUNICATION! If you do it well with your daughter and she is happy with your decision to go without her then do it!

It has taken me & my mum years to get to the point we are at now. I have my own family now & I realise what I ended up missing out on. We are going to spend the rest of our life in a position that will allow me to get to know my Mum again, and will allow my kids to have her as “Nanna....”

Gold Coast here we come!

purple rain

We are leaving 3 behind and taking 1 with us...the older 3 all have their own lifes and we don't stand in the way of anything they want to do

didds

Thanks for your words of comfort. We also have an emergency airfare for both sides. Hannah is very settled and wants to pursue her career in the U.K. I have had comments from people such as, " children are supposed to leave their parents not the other way around". It makes me feel awful. I brought Han up on my own since my divorce in 1987 and until I met Ian in 1997 it was just the two of us. We are very close but she chose to go away to Univeristy to "stand on her own two feet" which she has done very well. I am aware that she is a grown woman but she will always be my baby. She does have a father in the U.K. but he is as much use as a chocolate fireguard! We are going to book her flights over to see us this Xmas and who knows she may decide she really likes it and will stay!

Thank you to those who have left me supportive feedback, I am very grateful and a littel more reasurred.

scanny

Thank god someone else is leaving their kids behind, I have felt sooo guilty.

we are moving to oz soon and when we started my son 19 was in a bit of a weird relationship with an older woman who had children and grandchildren living with her. She was well known to the police and I felt that she provided little in the way of morals and values in their relationship. I'm not a goody two shoes and I know my comments sound judgemental but please accept that I know things that I can't divulge here. My son was led to believe we were totally against his relationship-despite me trying to include them as a family, easter eggs xmas, birthday pressies and invites to family doos. My son has mild to moderate learning difficulties and severe difficulties in things like English maths having left school with the abilities of a 7 yr old. This improved to 9 after a 2 yr college course alongside children with severe learning difficulties and congenital mental impairment, which taught a lot about the basics of life and social interaction and he was actually one of the most capable one in the class and assisted the others with their reading etc which wsa a big cnfidence boost for him. He has difficulty in comprehending the consequences of some of his actions-not dangerously so but enough to make himself vulnerable. We have always encouraged him to intergrate socially keeping him in mainstream school and encouragin self confidence by ensuring he tried all the things his freinds were trying, within limits of course, which was difficult as his lack of confidence made him want to give up before he'd started. We maintained that he should be exposed to the good and bad in life so that he could determine right and wrong, which he does admirably. He is a great affectionist and a little over generous. He got a job in a learning dificulties home, where he met this woman but she told him he had to give up the job, or end their relationship, as his sister and a family freind got jobs there too and she didn't want him having contact with them. Anyway, eventually they split up after he was diagnosed with rhuematoid arthritis and was crippled for a while and could.nt work. He came home and his health improved and is now working. We didn't include him as a dependent on our application cos he wasn't with us and can't get permanent residency because of his illness. We have made provisions and he his sister and her partner are going to move into our house and help him where necessary-he is quite capable of looking after himself to a fashion but will certainly need guidance in many areas, which thankfully she is more than willing to help with. As for my daughter 23, we are really close and leaving her is like leaving a limb behind. The thought of leaving them both and taking their 8 yr old brother is killing me.

Even so I don't want to be sitting her in 10 yrs time telling my grandkids how granny nearly went to Oz. I can't deny my younger child and husband the opportunity of a lifetime. They both tell me that I must go and do something for myself and pave the way for them. I have never been out of this country or flown before so they appreciate what an adventure it is for us all.

I have had comments about "how could I leave them etc!" but I also think in a few months time they could be telling me they are moving to cornwall or somewhere. The distance isn't the issue cos I would miss htem if they were in the next town-communication is definately the key. I have already had the I love you and miss you converation with them with full blown hysterical tears and will continue to tell them this, not so much with the tears now. We are already making arrangements for their first visit and I am actually looking forward to going now and you can see from the story I have revealed that it is going to be hard but it has be done, we will never have this opportunity again and I have always taught them to grab opportunities in life, so I need to action this part of my own advice and beliefs Hope this post hasn't been too boring it was just meant to show a true understanding of how some of you are feeling cos we all have our own stories to tell, Good luck all of you, no more tears and fears, Scanny

mand8002

I brought 2 children and left 2 in England.
Due to circumstances that meant if we did not come now, the door would be closed, we as a family decided that we would do this. My children in england also said 'you must go' and it is hard. Everyone in England thought we were insensitive and heartless but everyone in Australia thinks it is amazing and this goes to show the difference in attitudes between the two. It has nothing to do with anyone else what you do and if it is a family decision then it just goes to show that you have brought your children up to be thoughtful, unselfish, considerate and wonderful people.

Seabird

Hi Didds

So I'm not the only monster on here!! I'm taking the 13-year old and leaving my 24-year-old son and 20-year-old-daughter. Not an easy one as the son is still at home and looking for a job in between trying to become a rock star. Then I went and found out that my daughter and her fiance are expecting my first grandchild in November!

Because I am a single parent, who has battled through a degree and PhD most of my friends are supportive of my taking the post I have been offered in Oz. It is the only way I will ever be able to own my own home, for instance. All my work colleagues constantly encourage me, many of whom are working in the UK from overseas. Only one has insisted on repeatedly telling me how he would never leave anyone that was a part of him behind. Strange as we had a conversation a couple of months earlier when he was complaining about the fact he'd love to have the chance to live in a different country... I am lucky that my father is fully behind me going and wants to spend UK winters in Oz.

I have offered to find ways for the eldest 2 to come, but neither want to at this stage, so I guess in a way it's as much the children's decision not to go for a better life as it is ours to try this for the younger ones.

It is heart-wrenching and I think it will be ten times harder than we can even imagine. But a 29 minute call to Oz on Monday morning UK time cost me £1.20, so I guess we just have to find other ways to communicate. The children may not be there, but as my daughter tells me, the love never leaves.

Hope this helps...

Chris Mitchell

The only thing I feel agrieved about is that if he had wanted to come then it would have been difficult to prove his dependancy, and we would have been split up against our will! This way he is doing what he wants, if he chooses to come he/ we will find a way. Just wished DIMIA made it easier for families to stay together.

Chris

purple rain

We are very lucky as no one has made any detrimental comments to our faces although behind our backs it may be very different. We are also leaving money in case they need to get to us urgently and we are also taking money specifically for emergencies ie flights home. It's only a plane flight away