Hi all,

I posted a while back about looking into moving to Australia which we decided to go for. OH has now had a mention of a employer sponsored job in Adelaide (not got it yet) but means that we have to start seriously thinking about things as if he did get it things move pretty quickly.

We have a couple of stumbling blocks, one being we still have 6 months rental left on our home in the UK but am thinking it would be nearly that until we ended up moving and any difference we would pay.

The main one is my daughter. She lives with her dad at the moment 20 miles away to go to the school there. She has lived with him for about 4 years but we have no legal custody agreement in place. It was just a decision made to give her a better school life. I really want her to come with us if we move but I know that he will fight me and I'm not sure about costs of a legal battle and the effect it will have on her as well.
I would love to say to him just let her come for a while and see what she thinks, even just for the summer holidays if we got there that quick. But am worried he wont agree or that she wont want to come (although when we mentioned the idea to her she said she would love it). She is only 12 so too young to fly back on her own if she doesn't want to stay, or even just to stay in the UK and fly out in all the holidays.
Our lives here are a struggle, OH was recently made redundant and not looking good for another job. We are living on a day to day basis and bills are mounting over here and know that the wages he could earn (he is a vehicle sprayer), along with my wages when I can get a job (I am a translations project manager) would be at least treble what we can earn here.
This is an opportunity we cannot really afford to miss out on but I just dont know what to do about my daughter. Would I be better letting her finish her education in the UK and coming out to join us when she is 16? or fighting to take her now and causing a whole lot of upset to everyone involved.
I know she would be well cared for in the UK but the thought of going without her is unthinkable at the minute.
We also have a 3 year old son that we would be taking with us.

has anyone been in this situation? and how did you deal with it?

thanks

She'd probably be better finishing her A levels in UK if she is settled into a good area with a good school and she is happy there. If your ex wont let her leave then that's a moot point anyway and it would be hard to argue that it would be to her benefit to take her away from a place where she is doing well and is accessing good education. Once she has A levels then she would be old enough to make her own decisions and A levels travel well to Aus university entrance scores. That way, too, she keeps all her options open in both places.

At 12 she is quite old enough to fly backwards and forwards for holidays (the Unaccompanied Minors program on most airlines is excellent)

I think the first thing you should do is find out how the land lies witH daughter and her dad with respect to the move. It is all speculation until then. If they are both dead against it then I would think hard about a legal battle as a 12 year olds opinion is likely to be considered. Or maybe you will find that they are both in favour.

Are you sure about trebling salaries, sounds a bit optimistic to me? You say that your life is a struggle now, but it will be temporary, if OH is employable in Australia then he is employable in UK too, it is just a matter of time. Splitting the family (and somebody's family will be split one way or another) is such a permanent thing on the other hand.

I couldnt be coming out without my 12 year old daughter, even if she does live with her Dad 20 miles away.... If she didnt want to or couldnt come with me I would be putting my plans on hold until she reaches 16/18

When they are a bit older... Yup....no worries..

. And its not just the effect it will have on her that you should consider... No one should underestimate the impact that homesickness may have on you and on how you will feel being 20 hours flight away... Being 12,000 miles away doesnt sound too bad if you say "Australia" but 12,000 miles is a heck of a distance when a little girl needs a hug... Or her mum needs a hug from her.

As for trebling your salaries.... Not too sure about that... My OH earns a lot less than I do, he is in the motor vehicle trade... And the sprayers at work earn less than him... Unless of course you are prepared to sacrifice a certain amount of family life and have him go and work in the mines? FIFO for new immigrants often doesnt work well, because when you get here is when you most need each other....

The other question is, if you are living on a day to day basis and the bills are mounting up, how are you going to afford the move?

Hi all,

Thank you for the replies.

In response to the posts about our salaries. I may have been a little bit optimistic with trebling our salaries as I am unsure as to what I can earn over there yet but as my husband has no salary at all at the moment, and cannot find a job in his trade over here then I am not being optimistic in saying that they will be at least double. My OH has a friend who lives in Australia and is working in the same trade so we know the salary that can be expected and he was not on half that in the job he has just been doing here.

I would love to wait another 5 or 6 years and come over when my daughter is older, but circumstances dictate that now is our opportunity and if we dont take it now we probably never will. This is why I am having this dilemma.

My ideal situation would be that her dad agrees to let her at least try to come over with us and see what she thinks but I suppose until I talk to him I will not know his feelings.

Your daughter will have to have the medical even if she doesn't come with you. If he refuses to allow that you will at least know how much of a battle you have ahead. That battle can take a long long time. I couldn't do it if I had a child who was still a child and my husband would create merry hell if I tried taking them away from him to the other side of the country let alone to the other side of the world. Good luck though.

Have you addressed how you will finance this? There are large amounts of money involved.... Visas, flights, accommodation, bonds, rentals, shipping stuff or not setting up here is expensive and eats into anything you bring with you PDQ

I left my eldest son in uk when we came out. he was 19 and that was hardest thig i ever did. 12 year old - couldnt do that, far too difficult. on a positive my ex was greatand supported me in bringing my younger 2 kids. prob coz he now gets free accomodation each year when he visits lol

I would stay where you are. Although wages are higher, that is because cost of living is higher. You probably won't be better off. I think you need to think the damage it could do to your relationship with your daughter. She may come to resent you for 'abandoning' her. Grass is always greener. I know it must be hard if your OH doesn't have a job. However, I think a lot of people think Australia is some sort of paradise. You will have the same things to deal with there - bills, call centres, irritating people, housework - just a bit more sun.

Hi,

I am under no illusion that we will both have to work hard and have done a lot of research into the cost of living compared to the UK and I still feel that our lives will be better for taking the chance and moving. We would not be coming without guaranteed work already lined up for my husband and I am prepared to do almost anything to earn a living.

As for my daughter I have decided I will fight to take her with me, as many of you have said I don't think I could leave her behind. I will explain to him that if we do go that initially it will be for 4 years so she can come and finish her schooling with us. Once she is 16 I would be happy for her to make her decision as to where she wants to be. I will make sure that she is in constant contact and visits in the holiday. Hopefully he will agree to that but I suppose I will just have to wait and see

If her Dad doesnt agree to just let her go this is going to get even more expensive than the whole immigration thing is already

Not to mention is the job offer still going to stand after a months' long battle.

Just be aware that from what you've said, if the case ends up going to court, they will take your daughter's wants into consideration but they will also quite possibly side with your ex as she lives with him currently because you decided you didn't want her schooling interruped. They will wonder at you now wanting to disrupt that schooling in order to remove your daughter to the other side of the world against the father's wishes.
(Just my take on how people have had issues with the courts in the past). You will have to prepare yourself for a fight you may not win.

So you don't think you can leave your daughter behind but you expect your husband to let her go.How is this fair.Unless you husband is being horrible to her I'm not sure why you think that you can just take her so far away.I wouldn't do it to mine and wouldn't want it done to me either.

It certainly is a good idea to find out what the other parties think to all this. But if they don't agree, I think there could be a lot of heartache ahead if you decide to fight it, not least for your daughter.

If there is a legal battle it could take a long time and probably quite a bit of money too, will the job still be there or will your husband go ahead and you stay behind with the children whilst you fight it?