quoll

Yep, another sacrificial lamb here.

I would be on the plane tomorrow (hang on, I am going to be on the plane tomorrow woo hooooo!!!!! but only for a 2 month holiday unfortunately) if my Australian husband would leave - he wont budge.

So, how do you manage in a place you cant abide and feel trapped in? There are strategies once you have made the decision that the people in your life are more important than the place you live it. If you can come to some sort of compromise where you feel that you are getting something out of the deal (eg, she works so that you get holidays at home every year) then that is also key to managing.

I go home once or twice a year (he ensures we have enough money for me to do that) and I must say that I dont see the rose tints, I see the very real life that is there waiting for me. I have looked in vain for the sh*th*le that many leaving Poms keep on referring to but apart from Bradford I havent really met anywhere that really fits the bill.

I would suggest that if the "need to escape" thoughts are pervasive and are stopping you from living your life functionally and reasonably happily here then perhaps you have situational depression - a visit to the doctor may be in order and if you are unable to take the best cure which is a removal from the situation, then think about medication and ask for a mental health plan which would see you get 10 sessions with a CBT/ACT psych who could help you with strategies to manage the unhelpful thinking. Failing that, can I recommend The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris - self help ACT book which might help you manage the pervasive thinking.

At the end of the day, however, one of you makes the sacrifice and the other one doesnt - not a comfortable place to live but people first then places. Good luck, hope your OH is more persuadable than mine!

BTW nothing magical here for the kids - if they havent hit HS age yet, then try and get back before they do, otherwise you are consigned here until they leave uni.

Beoz

Sounds like you are a bit lonely and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Your wife and kids have probably settled into a routine of school, parenting and accociated a network of related friends. Perhaps you need an outlet to develop a core group of mates with similar interests?

As someone who has moved from the UK - OZ - UK - OZ twice believe me .... the social whirl soon disappears when the novelty of a holiday catch up subsides and everyone goes back to the mundane life of work. And that goes the other way when moving from UK to Oz.

Cape Blue

I suspect that Beoz has it on the head - being billy-no-mates isn't a great deal of fun and you'll have to roll your sleeves up to try and make some connections that can lead to a few beers, or whatever floats your boat. Otherwise a tad of depression can come a calling, together with a longing for a place where you did have some homies.

chris955

For me a trip to the UK made me realise I wanted to go back to live so we are all different, some see the good bits and others see the bad.

Kapri

Are you really a new poster?

I think not

Kapri

Sorry to hear about your situation.

What has made the difference for your wife and children? Is it that they have made friends and /or have hobbies that occupy them?

It is a difficult situation if one of you wants to leave and the others don't. No wonder you are feeling low. Would it be possible for you to give it a year during which time you join a club or attend B.E meets and try to form some friendships? it may make all the difference.

In the meantime, if you are feeling very depressed, please see your GP about a referral for some therapy (CBT) and / or some medication.

Good luck, I hope it works out

longtime_lurker

Thanks for everybody's comments.

I think the difference for the rest of the family is that they have a circle of friends. For a number of different reasons this hasn't worked out for me. I've had a couple of false starts and a few people I became friendly with have moved on themselves.

I've thought about trying to give things another go but one of the problems for me is that the longer we stay the less likely it is that we will be able to move on. The kids are growing up and some of them are in High School.

It wasn't so much the holiday side of the trip back to the UK that has made me want to return home it was the long term relationships that I've got there. People that you know inside out and even if you don't see them very often once you get back together it's just like you were never apart. I've realised that I really miss this.

xzibit

Where in Australia are you?

longtime_lurker

Sydney

Wendy

Get yourself down to the Sydney meetups, you just never know you might just meet your new best mate.

I have met some really beautiful people through meetups in Adelaide - a lot of which I arranged. It makes so much difference to have people that know where you're coming from. My best mate comes from the UK, she used to live about 3 miles away from me - though we never met before we moved here. Don't know what I'd do without her sometimes.

Sydney meet thread: http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=729800

go-oz

Hey! Same here, sympathy!! We had the same, although a little sooner. Decided to return (to The Netherlands, our home land). Was great for the first 3 months and then we got hit full on why we left in the first place. It's the curse of a migrant, you'll always be between two countries I suppose. We've been 'home' for 3 years and will be moving back to Australia in November... I'm already dreading that feeling that i'm sure will come. On a postive note; I'm convinced you'll find a way (together with relo's) to reset and move on. Maybe just allow yourself to feel this way and get it 'digested'. Good luck!!

macy

Hubby is the same, he has no close friends over here, we came over when the children were just starting primary school and so I have friends that I made through the childrens school life, hubbie never had this and to be honest I find the wives I like the most have the most oddest husbands, hubbie has tried but as yet that new best mate is out of reach.

smidsy

From reading your initial post, and having left Ireland 2 years ago, I was thinking that that was the issue. I think all imigrants have felt that way.

Personally, im not fond of the medication suggestions. All they do is help you live in an unhappy situation. As in, in a lot of cases, it fixes the symptom, but not the disease, if you know what I mean.

I found it difficult to accept that I would probably never have friends, in the same intimate way like the friends I had since school. Buts thats just the way life is, it takes many years to frm that bond.

However, having any friends is really important, as well as having your own personal time, away from your family, what I call "man time".

Actually, most people I have met and become mates with, have been by either going for a beer to the pub alone, or going fishing alone. Might sound a bit odd, but I needed my "man time", just some time to myself to clear my mind.

I have found that Aussies are very chatty people, and what begins with a simple hello, usually ends up with me having a drinking buddy. And of course, if you have things in common, it goes from there.

This, plus going to social events with my Wife's work colleages, helped myself and my Wife make many friends with ease in the 7 months we lived in Ipswich, QLD.

Of course, none of them were the same as the friends back home, but that takes a long time, and friends can come and go.

Iv just arrived in Perth, and setting up in a new City, I face the same situation, but im confident that ill meet another drinking buddy, fishing buddy, friends of my Wifes coleagues etc over time.

On another point, Sydney is the biggest city, and in the big cities it can be very difficult to make friends. I know of a few people who lived in Sydney for a few years, and never made any friends.

Perhaps there's some local activities/clubs you'd be interested in, like Golf, or even volunteering for things.

I think this is one of the biggest issues that newer immigrants face, and its not talked about much.

smidsy

On another relatesdpoint.

Just a thought on my experience and a theory (and after reading it, I know im not explaining it right, would be great of an Aussie here could clarify)...

The Aussies Mateship culture is not to be underestimated.

Although what I said above worked for me, there were only a few that showed me what Aussie Mateship is about.

The idea that Mates are as strong as family, means that some Aussies are a little closed when it comes to getting too close, cause once your in, your in !

So some Aussies might want to keepa distance before they will go that extra step to being proper mates.

Im sure someone else can explain it better than me !! And im not sure if it would apply as much in Sydney, as it did in regional Queensland.

KJCherokee

If you have a whole bunch of friends in the UK, why can't you make friends over here? How did you meet your UK friends - school, work, shared hobbies, at the pub, etc, etc? The same places (except school) are available to you here - you just have to work at it. It's a bit like the chicken and the egg - if you spend your time sitting in a corner depressed at your lack of friends you will never meet any new ones.

Get out there, join a club or two, join internet forums related to your hobbies and interests (I take it you do have some hobbies and interests?) and make an effort to get to know people - it really isn't that difficult.

Real friends remain friends regardless of the time and distance between you. I recently spent a week with an old friend who now lives in Italy whom I hadn't seen for 5 years - within an hour it was as if we had never been apart, and it will be just the same in a couple of years when we meet again. But I have plenty of other friends here in Aus and certainly don't want to move to Italy just because he's there (though there are other things that might tempt me!).


Sorry, but I came out here with my eyes open, knowing what I was leaving behind and knowing that it was going to take an effort to start again from scratch - and prepared to make that effort and not start whining because things didn't fall into my lap. Look at the positives, not the negatives. You must have wanted to come out here in the first place - think about the reasons you made that decision, then get up and make it work. It's in your hands.