Your relationship seems, well, in a fragile place. Moving to a place halfway around the globeat this time in your life could make it even more so.

All your concerns are valid, but your partner has a fixed idea. He wants to go to Australia, and from what you write it seems he will now no longer listen to any argument or get into any discussion about this with you, however reasonable or sensible your points are.

You seem to be in a stalemate. Counseling could help, but I hasten to add I've no idea how these services are in the UK or if they are affordable. So I'm lost there.

As for Australia, it's now a vastly different culture than it was in 1974 when I emigrated. Back then the level of infantilism was at an all-time high. Nowadays not so much so - Aussies are somewhat more worldly, in the cities - you mention Melbourne, close to where we live in regional Victoria. I'm fortunate to be in a town with a many 'expats', mostly Australians who have lived overseas, are well educated and have more worldly views than the locals who mostly see no further than the local shopping malls, the pub, or the weekend barbecue.

Australia is no longer an English colonial outpost. On our street with 12 houses we have 3 Indian and 2 other Asian families we are friends with, all fine people. All say they've had the same problems in settling in, also racist insults and outright discrimination. In many ways I'm fortunate as I'm considered as 'whitey' and Canadians are liked, so I blend in well.

At times it's a little difficult as my partner is Asian. We haven't encountered any social or cultural problems our blatant in-our-face discrimination, nothing I haven't defused by making diplomatically 'neutral' comments and backing away from direct confrontation. I cope mostly by avoiding community social events where a few diehard rednecks (the local bogans) come with toxic views on immigration and are spoiling for a fight. This you would avoid in Melbourne but the culture there is suburban. Mostly Asian students live in the city centre. Many Melbournians work in the CBD but flee to the suburbs every night. Conversation at weekend social gatherings is invariably on the house, the godly perfection of their sprogs, the house, their work, the house, the messy political situation (which nobody seemingly wants to change by informed voting), the house, the weather, and the house. None of which I excel at - I'm not great at small talk and the after-work pub sessions, pay week cafe-restaurant (overpriced) nights out with other work mates, and weekend barbecues (THE big social event here) are an ordeal for me. I cope by arriving late, making a point of chatting for two minutes with the hosts so as to be seen, and then leaving, usually unnoticed by the groups of old friends chattering on about the usual topics.

As a retiree I have another problem in that our 'oldies' community consists of elderly duffers who drink too much and complain endlessly about politics, the house, their investments, the house, the investment property, the house, the horrible tenants they have, and the house, ad nauseam. Life here isn't a bed of roses for us. At times it's more a crown of thorns.

For all that I love many aspects of Australia and have always found it's a great place to live - but the settling in process can take a long time. With an Asian partner I have input into another culture, which I enjoy. Melbourne's Chinatown is a wonderful place to explore. And food is of course, the best.

A question I ask myself is, if I had to emigrate to somewhere again, would I come here? It's a difficult one to answer. in the '70s ago the world was a different place. It's now at what I see as the pre apocalypse era (long may it go on, let's hope!) and the old ways and views are breaking down. But in Australia, not the country town attitudes and viewpoints which at times seem firmly stuck in 1970 or even 1950.

So why did I come? I was younger then. My main reasons were 1 the lifestyle, far more laid back then than now, 2 the weather, and 3 I was young and I wanted to get away from the stifling social conditions in Canada at the time. Having a minimum of 20 days' vacation leave a year was also a big plus, in Toronto at that time I had two weeks but my employer looked down on anyone who dared take all that time off in one lot. Canadians I knew were doing 10 day tours of 6 Asian countries, which wasn't what I wanted out of life. So I quit my stifling media promotion job, sold everything, and moved to Sydney.

If I had to do it all again, I would come for a few months to check out the place. Knowing what I do now and with my professional skills, I would likely opt for an expat life in Malaysia as the best of all worlds. But if I did, I wouldn't have the life I do now, or be with my partner, who I adore. So it's really all a series of compromises. As is almost all of life.

I posted my advice to the OP back in comment number 9, and have nothing to add now... except to say how silly it is to write off an entire nation because of some suburban squabbles. As a for-instance, some Brisbane suburb doesn't represent the entire City of Brisbane, the City of Brisbane is not representative of the entire State of Queensland, and Queensland is not Australia, Also, ten years ago is not today. I myself was born in Australia, left it at the age of 23, and never went back to live - not because I didn't like some part of it, but because I liked living in other places well enough not to want to leave them. C'est la vie. That's life, right?

Hi Pomi

i must confess I only skim read your post initially and I do apologise.

I have cut out the things that jump out at me from your initial post.

Please don’t push your emotions aside. I don’t mean to scare you but your emotions will have a massive impact and they shouldn’t be disregarded by anyone.

When I moved there 20 years ago, I was not in any doubt at all I wanted to go, but I came back 4 years later, because of knowing in my gut, I just didn’t want that life for me or my children.

Trust me, if you saw my posts from 20 years ago, I was the most enthusiastic poster and even got criticism for it (didn’t I Pollyana 😉)

i used to walk my daughter to school and became friends with a lady who, for the first 6 months, threw up every morning en route, because she was so homesick! I kid you not. It was such a shock to her system. She’s still there now and would come back in a heartbeat, but her husband loves it, as he works on the rigs and makes a lot of money.

i personally wouldn’t be able to put my emotions aside - but some can for a more financially comfortable life.

if you haven’t already you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how awful his comments made you feel (rightly so) Tell him you are worried the stress of the move, will cause a significant likelihood, that comments such as that, will be said in the heat of the moment and that you won’t have your network around you for support. Tell him you love him and that you don’t want that for your family.

I know I sound bossy, I am, but I feel strongly about you protecting yourself emotionally. I work in this field and one of THE MOST IMPORTANT aspects of their lives is mental health and building a strong network.

My Mum said to me once and I’ll never forget it.

“Nowhere is paradise if you are miserable”

At the time I thought she was being her usual joyful self, but do you know what? She was bang on.

I wish you the very best of luck with whatever happens and hope that you understand self-care is the starting block for being a functional and loving Mum.

😘