How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

It has now come down to this.

My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.

All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.

I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.

I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.

What to do now ?

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

how about that you explain to him that you need to take him out there so he can validate his visa and then go back home. Then he has all the time in the world to make up his mind.

he might change his mind once he is out there and sees for himself what lies in store for him.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I would never let a 13 year old "decide" my future. They may influence it. Tricky situation. Is a 13 year old competent to make such a decision? I know that I wouldn't have been even at 16.
(Competent as in understanding the true, life-long positive and negative implications of their actions using ALL available information to inform their decision.)

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

My son is basicially saying he doesn't want to move nor does he want to stay with his dad, as his dad doesn't live near school or friends.

I need to convince him its for the best, I try talking to him but he just says " the day the house gets sold he is running away".

He will not talk to me or his dad, he just keeps saying he isn't going.
While he keeps saying that his dad will not allow it.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Bribery is the only thing kids at this age understand, and yes, I know how bad that sounds, but in terms of realising your dreams of oz, it may not hurt to offer him something you know he will really like in return for him doind something you will really like lololol.

Worked for my aunt!

Denise

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

yeah , i would agree with that statement .

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

This is a nightmare situation (I should know, I am going through a very similar experience with my 16 year old). What we have decided to do however, is apply for the visa's and take a holiday in order to validate them as a family. We will then make plans to emigrate but if my son still says he doesn't want to come, I will have no option but to leave him with his natural father (I too have since remarried). Although this will break my heart, he will be 18 by the time we go, so I have to respect his decision. I will always be hoping and praying that one day he will choose to join us in Australia though.

It's very difficult to give advice in this situation............. I guess you just you have to do whatever is best for YOU and YOUR family.

Take care and I hope things work out for you all :) x.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I agree with your sentiments, but how do you "force" a 13 year old under these circumstances when they know they have the fall back of dad having to give his permission?

They're manipulative little wotsits at that age (we were never like that were we?!!! :D) and will do whatever it takes to get their own way.

Good luck to the OP ... I agree with whoever suggested bribery!!!

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

OK. Sounds like a private family therapy session or three with a psychologist.

The earlier the better. Sounds to me like little one is afraid of change and needs some help with coping. Maybe his experience of change has been mainly negative and he needs some help in seeing that change can be positive too.


(Please, please note that this is not meant to be a negative statement, criticism or viewpoint towards anyone. I really am trying to find a solution to the situation)

Edit - it may be that nearly all of the changes he's experienced to date have been positive, but it's the negative one/s that he remembers or dwells on.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I don't agree with bribery towards anyone. Explaining the pros and cons yes. Valid negotiation - yes.


Is it OK to bribe a politician?

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I agree with you (I am the bribery suggester lol)

OP -Have you wondered maybe he is behaving in this way, because he feels he can? They ARE manipulative wee 'wotsits' at this age, and sometimes, parents have to be a little manipulative themselves, be it by offering a nice new xbox 360 so they can play xbox 'live' against their friends way back in the UK :eek:, or telling them they are ruining everyones happiness (the old emotional blackmail):o Although Id stick with the the bribery rather than the emotional stuff lol.:thumbsup: Fair enough, it will cost 300 quid, but will cost your dream if you dont try.:sneaky:

Denise

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Australia is not worth splitting your family up over. After a month your life will be exactly the same;

Work
bills
chores

With a bit more sunshine, but with crap tv, flies, heat, isolation and narrow minded people.

I would advise doing your sums before potentially damaging any r/ships that are alot more important than this hick place.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Tell him all the 13 year old girls look just like they do on Home&Away and Neighbours. That should do the trick!

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

lol :D I suppose your right bribery is a strong word.

OP - Negotiate with an Xbox :rofl::thumbup:

Sorry Ozzidoc lolol:wub:

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

:thumbup:

Denise

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Thanks for all your replies, My son has issues with alot of things and see's someone for this. There is no in between with him, its always very extreme responses. I really don't know what he will do, he loves the outdoor life and is fishing mad, I know after time he would love it.

I think we may have to go at easter to show him, but i don't think this will work, he can't handle change.

I live in hope, it needs to happen soon as it will get harder the older he gets.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

He'd be shocked when he gets here to find 50% of the population is actually obese.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Perhaps 'bribery' is not the answer with this one. Swaying towards Ozzidocs idea, he maybe needs to have some assistance in dealing with change, understanding that change can be very positive and that as a mother you would not initiate change that you felt would disadvantage him in any way, easier said than done though...

Really hope you get around it, fingers crossed for you xxxx

Denise

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Sorry to have been a tad flippant about something that is obviously a very difficult situation for you and your family. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to be fair on all involved about this. IMO your idea of bringing your boy out for a visit is an excellent one. If he still says a firm no then it's back to the drawing board I guess. Ultimately I don't believe you can put the future of everyone on hold because of one party though, "the greater good" and all that.

I envisage myself in a similar situation in a few years time when I plan to return to Blighty. My youngest will be around your son's age and I have a pretty good idea she will not want to budge and leave dad behind etc.

All the best :)

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Oh yeah, it was a lie! :p

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Forgiven :) :wub:

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I'd put the kid on fish oil and take him of "all" sugary products. Replace them with fruit and protein.

After a month you'd have a new kid.

Sugar is a major cause of behavioral problems in adolescents and stunts emotional development. It also causes ALOT of depression in adults.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

To the OP. If I were in your shoes, I would try to sit down with your son's father and hatch a plan. He sounds like a good man who is only trying to do what is best for his son. Try explaining the whole visa process;

1. It may be another year or so before you actually have your visa.
2. Then you are able to validate, which means you don't have to move over there immediately.
3. As soon as your son is 16, you have no legal right to force him to go anywhere.

In the light of this information, would your ex agree to give his permission if you promised that your son could come back to the UK once he is 16?? It is likely that he would only 'have' to live there for a year or so. Hopefully he will have matured by then and would have made new friends and love his new life. (His school friends would also have moved on by then - these things happen)

Good luck.:thumbsup:

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Like your thinking flyaway

Denise

xx

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

He would give his permission on whatever our son wants to do.
He wouldn't want him to come back at 16 anyway as he wouldn't be able to live with him, As his life is split between London and scotland. He would want him to stay with me.
The only way i think he would agree, if i forced the move, is that if son still isn't happy after a year then we will have to come back . But what if the other 4 of us love it. Its so unfair. Do i gamble he will love it enough to stay.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I understand your problem Ruby.:( If I were you, I would take the gamble. It takes a long time to get a visa. Things can change in your son's life and he may end up wanting to move. I would tell him that you will stay in Oz 2 years to make your minds up - one year isn't long enough. (You may hate it too!) Then if he hates it, you will come back. It's a huge gamble, but it depends on how much you want it and if you think your son will settle down. You could stay in the Uk and he could leave home at 16 and there wouldn't be too much you could do about it - that's a gamble too.

Good luck, as I said, I understand how hard this is but a 13 year old does not have the maturity to make these decisions.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

OOoooooo or he could LOVE it, and the rest of you could hate it!

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I wouldn't bribe him but you could 'incentivise' the move, which in effect I think all parents do for their kids in this situation to a greater or lesser degree. We built up a picture of our life in NZ that we knew our then 9 year old would warm to and it included her doing surf lessons and living near the sea and having the freedom to play out, etc. Quite different to bribing, just highlighting the rewards for her in the move and tossing in a few carrots to help her focus on the positive and not the leaving part. A trip over could be just the trick, but I'd tell him that you all need to do some serious thinking about whether it's right for the family and the look-see would be for all of you- no need to give him all the power, lol!

Good luck :)

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Firstly Do you want (as in know enough about) australia enough to risk a the potential risk of splitting your family up:blink: The first step would be a visit to australia to see if it really is for you, and I dont mean a few flings round Dreamworld, I mean some cold hard facts.

Your son must be on this fact finding mission too. Add your facts to what someone else pointed out, that after a few months it wont be a holilday it will be bills, chores, work etc.

Splitting your family is heartbreaking, be it when kids who didnt want to come reach 16/18 and simply return, or leaving them behind in the first place, many 12 - 20 year olds dont settle well anyway, in your situation you need to be double sure Australia can offer you what you think from the UK it can.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Thought I would just add my experience. My daughter is 16 and will be 17 when we hopefully leave for aus. She said similar to me that she would rather stay in UK because of friends and a boyfriend. Her dad lives an hour away and has always had a good relationship with her. Obviously I wanted her to go with us so I gave it her straight if she wanted to stay then she had 2 choices: live with her dad or show us she could support herself which would be nigh on impossible while she is at college. Either way we were going (bit of a bluff here as not sure I could have gone without her).To cut a long story short she's coming with us because she doesn't want to live with her dad, this despite her having a loving relationship with him. Its not my place to tell you what to do but I feel if you told your son he could stay but it would have to be with his dad that he may decide to come with no further arguments as at their ages all they think about is friends and don't understand that in time friends change or move on themselves, whereas family is forever. As long as you feel this decision is the best for all of you then any means justify the end in my opinion. Good luck with your future plans whatever you decide to do.
p.s I have noticed with absent fathers that they are quite happy to see their kids whenever but when it comes to it they have their own seperate lives and the prospect of a teenager coming to disrupt their lives is enough to have them agreeing to whatever you think is best!

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?

Answer, he doesnt, you are the adult, you make the decisions.

After a few months he'll thank you for it.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I may be reading between the lines here, and hence you don't have to answer the question if it's out of order, but you should ask yourself if you would have posted the same thing if the child was biologically yours.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Tell him he is going, simple. If he does not like then tough, he needs to deal with it. Use the courts if necessary. He should not be able to decide your future.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Isn't the child biologically hers then? I read it as being her child from a previous marriage.

Lynne

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I really feel for you, so many of us have been in similar situations. Thing is, if your son struggles with change then not going will not really help him with that issue. Its up to you to be strong and open, honest and fair. Get the X on side, explain that you need his help to do what is best for your son, after all he's not exactly rushing you to court for custody is he. :confused:

I've said this before, being a parent isn't about being popular or liked, often its about taking the unpopular decisions. :unsure: We all need to remember who the parent is and who is the child (I will certainly admit to sometimes being the child!) Some parents can take a step back and make the move without their children, some can't - we're all different. Thing is to keep your (his) options open, get him on the visa and validated at the very least.

I really do hope that this can be ok for you.

Take Care

Tracey

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

I'm afraid i'm of the harder line, whilst his feelings would be considered he wouldn't be holding us to ransom because of school and school friends.

As far as I see it he as 2 choices, go with you or move in with his dad.

Neither will seem to suit him but this is how you grow up, not all lifes choices are easy ones.

Of course this is just me and others feel different entirely, whatever happens, good luck.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

We had similar amateur dramatics from my eldest daughter. You are ruining my life, so I'll ruin yours and be miserable.

In the end, we sat her down and told her we loved her. However she was and is part of a family and we as her parents have to do some tough things sometimes. But for the good of the whole family, hard decisions have to be made. We told her about the importance of quality of life and why we felt Australia had more to offer all of us but especially her.

We told her that she may never speak to us again but that in the meantime, we would be buying a ticket and we would expect her to be on the plane with us. If she wanted to live with someone else, fine she could that but only when she had come to Australia with us and got the citizenship so she then had options. She could come for university but not before. We would be back on holidays.

She cried all the way through this conversation. It helped considerably that both her father and I sat next to each other and opposite her. It reinforced the position that we were agreed on this and were not going to be divided.

Over the next few weeks, she threatened exactly the same as your son. I told her she was behaving like the child she is and not the adult she thought she was. She was told in no uncertain terms that she could run away if she wished. However, in response to that threat, I could do as I wish and send her to a boarding school just as easily as take her with me. That way she would be in the Uk, away from her family and her friends, not seeing them during holidays as she would be in Aus or with her family in Aus and seeing her friends during holidays back to the UK. I confiscated her phone, denied her access to the home phone, computer etc to reinforce the point.

It sounds excessive and it probably was but I am the parent and I reserve the right to make the decisions I feel are necessary in the best interests of my child. I will not be dictated to by a child.

Incidentally, we arrived in April of last year, all of us, and although she was upset at having to say goodbye, she has settled in well, made new friends, keeps in touch with some of the old ones, is planning what to do on our hol back this Oct and has admitted that we were right.

With the case of your ex-husband, I would ask him to support your position. You have said that he will support your position if he thinks it is in the best interests of the child and you respect that. Ask him to support you with your son and ask him to back you up, in a meeting with your son face to face. Your son needs to know that he cannot run back to his dad on this one, until a later date (when he is 16/18 or something).

Libby

PS Good luck on this one...I am grateful I don't have to go through that again!!!!!

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

Good for you. You are in charge and now she knows it.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

For a while during the emigration process our children were known as "I'm not going" and "You can't make me". After a couple of weeks and a firm NO you cannot live with us from my parents and sisters they changed to "Well maybe" and "But I won't like it". They were given a choice by us...Come where we tell them to live or find someone who is willing to raise them to adulthood with no financial input from us. Surprisingly after asking all of their school friends' parents nobody volunteered to raise them.

We've now lived in Australia for 18 months and my children are happier than pigs in poo. They would now never dream of leaving Australia permanently. Saying that, my daughter does want to do her veterinary degree back in Canada, but come back here to practice once she graduates.

Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
 

we told our kids just come and stay for 2yrs to get citizenship then they can come and go whenever they wanted !
they were all up for it (until the daughter met an idiot)
good luck only you can decide

jan xx:wub: