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Help Me - In A Right Mess

Help Me - In A Right Mess

Old Aug 25th 2013, 4:00 pm
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Default Help Me - In A Right Mess

After spending just over 4 years in Perth where pretty much everything went well for us, we decided to head back to the UK. Biggest mistake ever.

There were various reasons for coming back, not so much family but more the countryside and pull of home and the familiarity. Another mistake - we told ourselves and the children that was it we would never move again.

However, we also made a big mistake by coming back to an area in the UK where we didn't know anyone. We thought after coping with the move to Auz moving to a new area in the Uk would be easy. Things were ok to start with but after a couple of years and a few problems we were both quite unhappy and starting thinking we were much happier in Auz why don't we go back. Though we realise now we should have focused on fixing things in the UK rather than hoping another major move would sort them.

We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.

If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ
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Old Aug 25th 2013, 4:20 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by jadedjilly View Post
After spending just over 4 years in Perth where pretty much everything went well for us, we decided to head back to the UK. Biggest mistake ever.

There were various reasons for coming back, not so much family but more the countryside and pull of home and the familiarity. Another mistake - we told ourselves and the children that was it we would never move again.

However, we also made a big mistake by coming back to an area in the UK where we didn't know anyone. We thought after coping with the move to Auz moving to a new area in the Uk would be easy. Things were ok to start with but after a couple of years and a few problems we were both quite unhappy and starting thinking we were much happier in Auz why don't we go back. Though we realise now we should have focused on fixing things in the UK rather than hoping another major move would sort them.

We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.

If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ
Hi JJ, sorry to hear about your difficulties. You'll certainly get support here, lots of people have ping-ponged to and fro

The only advice I can offer is that you and your partner try to work out this elusive 'happiness' thing. Identify (amongst the two of you, not here!) the things that are causing you both to be unhappy where you are, and very honestly assess if, how and why those unhappy circumstances would be fixed by a move back to Oz. As for letting people down - you're a family, and your first responsibility must be to yourselves and your children.

It might be difficult, but you'll come to the right decision. I wish you the best of luck
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Old Aug 25th 2013, 9:42 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

It's going to feel overwhelming because it is overwhelming. It is a big deal and it is a big move. The fact you've been in a state of flux won't help.

Take some time. Sit back for a moment and breathe.

You need to believe you're doing the right move and what is best for you all and trust yourselves. Be honest with each other. Write down on a piece of paper EXACTLY what you really want in life and then show each other. Even if you think it's silly writing 'sun' or 'rolling green countryside' just write it. Write down everything.

Then look seriously with head, not heart, at finances, job, housing situation for the place that seems to have come out top. Then switch the country and re-do the research of finances, jobs etc..

When you know what you actually honestly want, where is best for your family, the ducks are in a row and you've done your research to the nth degree then make your move.

As selfish or as harsh as this sounds whether you're letting someone down or not this is your and your OH's life. You need to do what is right for you and your family.

But here's the thing, a lightning bolt. You're never going to find 100% happiness. You can come close but everything will never be perfect for ever and ever. Stop searching for it, it doesn't exist.

How do I know all of this? Hard steep learning curve. Having to hit myself in the face with the imaginary fish and make myself be honest with myself.

Leading with your 'heart' is not the solution here. Screw the head on. Breathe. Take your time.

Best of luck and I do wish you all the best.

Last edited by Still Game; Aug 25th 2013 at 9:48 pm.
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Old Aug 25th 2013, 10:15 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Curse of the expat! Whenever something isnt quite right with your current situation you are forever comparing the bad of the now with the good things of the place you once experienced (youve probably forgotten the things that drove you back last time!) so of course the grass is going to look greener. Do you have to move half way round the world though to find something a bit happier? You know what they say - wherever you go, there you are! There are always going to be things that bug you no matter where you go from here on in - it wasnt a good life the last time, can you afford a ping (or is it pong) back if it isnt good this time? Good luck whichever way you jump but do what you want to do for you, not anyone else, it's your life.
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Old Aug 25th 2013, 11:43 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

I hated living in Bermuda, I know that, I know I was unhappy. But Mr Bermudashorts still has to remind me sometimes, when I look back and say oh it wasn't so bad, maybe we should have done another year.

It is so true that with time, you look back and remember the good and forget about the bad. I cannot help but think you left Perth for a reason, you are just forgetting what it was or are forgetting the strength of the emotions that pulled you back.

It is fine and normal to have some nervous trepidation about a move as large as this. But if it is making you feel ill, then seriously I don't know why you would do it, I assure it is not normal to feel physically ill at the thought of moving, if you are not fundamentally looking forward to it, then it is probably the wrong thing to do.
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Old Aug 25th 2013, 11:46 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Draw up a pro's and con's list.

In particular, try to remember all the things you liked and didn't like about Australia. They have probably faded in your memory.

Imagine a typical day.
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 4:05 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by jadedjilly View Post
After spending just over 4 years in Perth where pretty much everything went well for us, we decided to head back to the UK. Biggest mistake ever.

There were various reasons for coming back, not so much family but more the countryside and pull of home and the familiarity. Another mistake - we told ourselves and the children that was it we would never move again.

However, we also made a big mistake by coming back to an area in the UK where we didn't know anyone. We thought after coping with the move to Auz moving to a new area in the Uk would be easy. Things were ok to start with but after a couple of years and a few problems we were both quite unhappy and starting thinking we were much happier in Auz why don't we go back. Though we realise now we should have focused on fixing things in the UK rather than hoping another major move would sort them.

We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.

If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ

Better to let loads of people down than drag your family halfway around the world for something that your heart isn't set on, you could be in a bigger mess then. I wonder how your children are feeling, are they looking forward to a new school and see it as a new adventure or are they like you dreading it? I think in your heart of hearts you know the answer but it's just so hard to put those brakes on and stop the process now it's all rolling away too fast, but you are allowed to change your mind... I remember being so excited about our move over and was counting down the days till we left and to be honest you seem to feel the exact oppposite.

Take stock, make a decision and then stick by it. Once the decision is made then you are half way there, as you know Australian isn't paradise and you would be starting all over again from scratch. Good luck and hope you can make the decision quickly and then move on.
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 7:55 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by macy View Post
Better to let loads of people down than drag your family halfway around the world for something that your heart isn't set on, you could be in a bigger mess then. I wonder how your children are feeling, are they looking forward to a new school and see it as a new adventure or are they like you dreading it? I think in your heart of hearts you know the answer but it's just so hard to put those brakes on and stop the process now it's all rolling away too fast, but you are allowed to change your mind... I remember being so excited about our move over and was counting down the days till we left and to be honest you seem to feel the exact oppposite.

Take stock, make a decision and then stick by it. Once the decision is made then you are half way there, as you know Australian isn't paradise and you would be starting all over again from scratch. Good luck and hope you can make the decision quickly and then move on.
no-one knows what is right for you and your family, but I can't help but feel once people move somewhere, then for whatever reason pack up and move home they should just stay there. I undersatdn the ping-pomng thing, but not the ping-pong-ping thing! However, what you feel in your gut, and your instincts, is what you should go with. If the thought of moving to Oz is making you feel sick, you have to listen to that.
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 8:17 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by jadedjilly View Post
After spending just over 4 years in Perth where pretty much everything went well for us, we decided to head back to the UK. Biggest mistake ever.

There were various reasons for coming back, not so much family but more the countryside and pull of home and the familiarity. Another mistake - we told ourselves and the children that was it we would never move again.

However, we also made a big mistake by coming back to an area in the UK where we didn't know anyone. We thought after coping with the move to Auz moving to a new area in the Uk would be easy. Things were ok to start with but after a couple of years and a few problems we were both quite unhappy and starting thinking we were much happier in Auz why don't we go back. Though we realise now we should have focused on fixing things in the UK rather than hoping another major move would sort them.

We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.

If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ
I was having an "off" few days and as I sat outside I thought of how I enjoyed having our lovely home in Perth (this type of thought was a first for me since our return home over 3 years ago) and just felt I would of liked to pack my bags and walk straight back through its front door, that thought made me feel a bit anxious etc so I took a long walk (with our dog) and by the time I came to the end of my walk (it was a long walk lol) I realised it was because of our current situation (we are talking of moving to a different area than where we are now and it is a stress as I hate moving lol) and that when I really thought about it, my Aussie home was not mine anymore anyway and I remembered the land it was on flooded every Winter, our neighbours kept themselves very much to themselves, I hated having to drive just for a pint of milk, the dog fouling on the park opposite use to get on our nerves.....what I am trying to say is that when we look back (we do that mostly when we are feeling fed up etc)and think of all the good things we tend brush aside for the most the bad or things we did not like or enjoy, human nature and we can never really go back to what we had as nothing really ever stays the same. Look to your future and really take time to think of what you really want, try not to be rash and rush things. Good luck
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 8:26 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

We're ping-pongers. Slightly different circumstances than yours, though, as we had always planned for our initial move to Aus to be just for a few years before returning to Blighty (which we did in 2007, after 2 and a half years in Sydney). We decided to move back to Sydney in 2010 after my husband was made redundant from his job in the UK. We were fortunate that he was offered his old position in Sydney back - as was I once we were back in the country (and they offered a relocation package, which helped).

I think, in some ways, the move back here was the hardest of all the international moves we'd done. There were no rose tinted glasses about the move. I remember posting on Farcebook that I knew what was to come and where the easy and hard bits were going to be. I think that because you're going in so much more realistic about what to expect, you're more inclined to worry about it. The first time around it's the sense of adventure about it that gets you through. The move back again is with eyes wide open as to what you're about to confront. And it's frightening!

I did have moments of sheer panic, dread and complete 'what the f*&! are we about to do?' moments. There were some dodgy stomachs and lots of tears along the way. And for the first three months of moving here, had I been offered flights back to the UK, I would have happily snapped them up! I had pretty bad culture shock the second time around (much worse compare to the first, interestingly - or not - enough). But after a few months, I picked up. I got over the stress of the move ('cause it is stressful!) and settled down. And this is now home. I have zero desire to even go back to the UK for a holiday.

Only you can judge whether it is last-minute nerves or whether the rollercoaster has got away from you and you really need to get off. Good luck with your decision.

Last edited by Geordie George; Aug 26th 2013 at 8:29 am.
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 8:41 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

OP - there are plenty of people on here who gave ping ponged, so you're in good company
If you put ping pong into the BE search engine, you can read other people's stories, which may be of help.

Good luck

Last edited by Kapri; Aug 26th 2013 at 8:42 am. Reason: Typo
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 10:16 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Just wanted to comment on the 'letting loads of people down' bit. The only people you should be concentrating on are you, your spouse and your children. In this instance no one else matters. You do what is right for your immediate family. Good luck.
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Old Aug 26th 2013, 12:44 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

It sounds from your post that it is the area of the UK you are not happy with. Its a lot easier to just move to a new area in the UK than to upsticks to the other side of the world
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Old Aug 27th 2013, 1:17 am
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by jadedjilly View Post
After spending just over 4 years in Perth where pretty much everything went well for us, we decided to head back to the UK. Biggest mistake ever.

There were various reasons for coming back, not so much family but more the countryside and pull of home and the familiarity. Another mistake - we told ourselves and the children that was it we would never move again.

However, we also made a big mistake by coming back to an area in the UK where we didn't know anyone. We thought after coping with the move to Auz moving to a new area in the Uk would be easy. Things were ok to start with but after a couple of years and a few problems we were both quite unhappy and starting thinking we were much happier in Auz why don't we go back. Though we realise now we should have focused on fixing things in the UK rather than hoping another major move would sort them.

We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.

If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ
didn't you feel exactly that way the first time you came out? I haven't ping ponged (yet) but that is EXACTLY how I felt before I came... like the rollercoaster you cant get off of?
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Old Aug 27th 2013, 7:40 pm
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Default Re: Help Me - In A Right Mess

Originally Posted by jadedjilly View Post
We started the ball rolling which then gained momentum until it felt like we couldn't stop it and now we are just about to make the move back. However, we are completely overwhelmed by it all, feeling very ill with it and not sure if we can cope with all the stress again. We are having serious doubts as to whether we are just try to chase happiness as opposed to trying to work on being happy where we are.If we pull out now we will be in a right mess and will let loads of people down. However, are we best to do this and suffer the consequences or should we go on the journey back and make a good life for ourselves back in Auz.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it work out.

Cheers.

JJ
This is what really stood out to me about your post.

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