Mrs Kiwi

I'm not mad, not yet anyway, but I am bloody confused as to what to do.
For the last 2 years going to live in Oz has been my dream and it still is. I worked on my hubbie who was initially not keen at all, as he is a Kiwi who left NZ to come to England to be with me and now absolutely loves England.
But I worked on him and now he is really up for Oz too. Great!
But it now seems that the urge to have kids has crept up on me from out of the blue, and it has changed my whole perspective.
Kids had never featured in my plans at all. I love my friends and relation's children but after a few hours was always happy to hand them back. I have said all my life to everybody I know that kids simply aren't for me and how vehemently did I mean it! Marriage didn't change that, neither did turning 30.
However it seems now that I may want kids after all. I'm still not at the stage where I'm so broody that I am desperate to procreate or anything, but I am now thinking more and more that having kids seems to be what I want.
So why am I confused?
Because I'm not sure that 2 such huge life changes - emigrating and motherhood - is something I could cope with together.
Do I have to choose one or the other?
Not necessarily but I just can't see myself having kids in Oz - having kids would be such a huge & scary thing that I would want to be here in the UK with my family and friends. Everybody says there's no right time to have kids but here in the UK I am in the perfect position; we have savings in the bank, I have a really well paid job that would pay well part-time if I have kids and would be fairly flexible, and I am surrounded by friends and family who would offer huge support.
Great - so why don't I just stay here and have kids???
Because I still dream of Oz.
But the problem is, I would want at least 2 years in Oz to settle and know it was for me before having kids there, and at 32 years old I'm not sure how many years I have before I need to start taking my fertility seriously.
The dream of Oz has dimmed slightly since I realised I probably want kids one day. I don't know if I have it in me to experience emigrating and motherhood within a shortish space of time. That might sound rubbish & weak to a lot of people but I have only just realised I want kids and so its a whole new world for me. As emigrating would be.

The other thing is, I've gone back and forth so many times about what I want that I TRULY don't know what it is I want anymore.

If I stayed in the UK and had kids rather than going to Oz would I regret it? I bloody don't know!

Kids never, ever featured in my plans and the realisation that I think I do want them has really knocked me for six. Other women always thought they'd have them some day but I was always the complete opposite.

I;m so shocked that I find myself wanting kids that I'm wondering if I really do want them after all or do I just think I do cos I'm suddenly aware my biological clock may start ticking soon?

Thank you for bearing with my ramblings and I just wondered if anyone else out there has faced a similiar revelation that affected their emigration plans?

My wonderful hubbie is all geared up to go to Oz but I have been completely honest about my realisation that I want kids and he has been fab as always, saying it IS possible to have kids in Oz but he understands why I don' think I want to.

I have wound myself up over all this for the last 2/3 months and would appreciate any musings or advice from you guys.

Many thanks x

Nickie

Hiya, have you been to oz?? take a long trip to oz, stay in oz. see how you feel in oz,

You can also apply for visa, validate and then you have 5 years to go...have the kids, when they are 5 ish then move..yay problem solved.

phew that was easy.

good luck.


nickie

Fly Away

What she said!

Plus get your meds done for the visa before you get preggers, (you may not want to have an xray if you are pregnant).

Good luck! Why not have both dreams!

Nickie

Yes, excatly what he said.

Good luck and i meant to say all that too.

Keep us informed of your decision.

Nickie

Mrs Kiwi

Thanks guys. It sounds like I'm going on a different visa to you - I'm going on a 5 year temporary resident visa as the wife of a Kiwi. So I don't have to do the validating thing.
I know that I can have both dreams its just that I never knew I wanted kids and now I think I want them I'm s**t scared of having them in Oz away from all the family & friends support that I would get in the UK.
Have you guys got kids? How did it affect your experience?
Basically, I am now worried that I will feel isolated in Oz with kids so will I now be brave enough to make the move to Oz?
It sounds like a massive adventure to go to Oz when it was just myself and hubbie, when you throw kids into the mix it gets scary!!

hairart

i'm sure you won't feel isolated at all, in fact totally the opposite.. when you have children you make lots of friends through your kids. many of my friends i have now are who i met through having them, and it starts from when you are pregnant at antinatal classes, then when they start playgroup (or kindy as they call it in OZ) then again when they start school. i can underatand your worry though.

midwife-mandy

Hi, first of all you dont sound rubbish or weak, you sound like an intelligent women who is thinking things through. Your post is a difficult one to answer as although I think everyone should follow their dreams (moving to oz) I also know what it feels like to be a new mother (support networks are really important). Your husband sounds like a high quality male and very supportive so that is a big bonus and a vital factor.

I am 37, a single mother of two teenage children, a midwife and we are all moving to Perth, so I will try and give you some advice.

Being a new parent changes your life. You can experience a whole range of emotions such as, joy, doubt, happiness, guilt and a growth in confidence. The fact that you have a high quality husband is wonderful and this is why you could consider moving to Oz before starting a family, as he sounds like he would be their for you when you needed him. However, when I had my children my close friends were a huge help. Friends that I had known for years who I could phone up and tell them how I felt, good or bad. Also although I loved being a parent their were times when I needed to hand the children over to someone and I only felt happy when they were with their grandparents or my best friend. As a couple you will need some time on your own and feeling relaxed about who is looking after your children is important.

Having children does not mean you have to give up on your plans to move to Oz it just means you put them to one side for a few years. I wish I had moved when my children were around five and three as this seems like a good age. The five year old would be starting school and the three year old could go to nursery. This would mean that the children were being cared for in the daytime, you could work if you wanted to and also have the chance to make friends at the school gates.

Having children is the best thing I have ever done but it is also the hardest thing I have ever faced. It feels like moving to Oz will be the second best thing I have ever done (not there yet though )but also it is pretty stressful. I think you are right to question if both things at once would be too much to take on and I agree 100% that you would need to give it two years in Oz before you started a family.

What ever you choose to do I think you will both be good parents as you sound like nice people, good luck with everything

ponyrama

I'm 33 and have recently become aware of the tick tock tick tock in my brain. I too have never wanted kids (or a bloke for that matter - been too busy with my career) until recently my views have started to change and I think that one day I might.

Its easy to stay and be comfortable and have the support you are used to and obviously very grateful for, and hard to see why anyone would want all that upheaval as well as starting a family. So the most important and only question you need to answer is this one:-

"Do you want your children to grow up and be educated in this country?"

Think on that a while before answering it..........

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Zigzag

I am married to a policeman, 2 children nearly 5 and nearly 2! we are considering emigrating in the next 2-3 years!

I can see exactly where you are coming from, and your post looks very similiar in structure to mine,..confused ranting!!!

I think doing the 2 things at once would be difficult, (not impossible) but difficult! It depends on how much you rely on your friends and family for support! But we have talked about his a million times, because we do rely on our parents a lot, for babysitting and advice, and just to visit when the kids are driving us mad....!!!! But if they weren't there, we would have to deal with these things on our own. Its difficult to say go to oz wait 2 years and then have kids, because if you do, then it takes a long time to get pregnant you might have a problem. Not that your age at the moment is a problem, but it depends on when you leave!

I want to go because i DONT want my children brought up here!!! So thats a serious consideration. I don't think it matters whether you never thought you would want children or you just decided you do, the fact is that you do, and you probably need to decide which you want more, and do that one first, they are not mutually exclusive, but it will be better to stick to one at a time!!

Maybe have children now, then once you are confident with that, then move to Oz!!! you have more years to go to Oz, than you have safe childbearing years!!!

And you will meet people from here, that are going to the same place as you. in fact there are loads of midwifes and nurses on here that can help you!!?

See i told you my post would be garbled!!! I hope you can get some sense out of it, even if it is no help at all!!! Oh and PS your hubby sounds great, hang on to him, and use his genes!!!

jerseytoo

Mrs Kiwi you are not mad at all!....thought I would share my experience with you. I never wanted children either and was absolutely adamant about it until I hit 39/40ish, when I had a change of heart/mind possibly for two reasons my only sister who btw lives in Sydney had her first baby and my clock was ticking very loudly! My dream for the last 8 years has been to emigrate to Oz but I put it on hold until I had both my little girls who are now 3.5 and 2. I didn't feel ready to go before now as I needed my friends and family's support here and the familiarity of home when I was pregnant and they were babies. Am raring to go now and OH is currently getting his skills assesed. This of course is my experience only and has worked out best for me and my family. Hope it helps in some small way. Good luck.

quoll

{{{{hugs}}}} to you! At least you are thinking rationally about your options which is a great start!

I came to Aus with a 6 month old baby when I was 30 - DH was studying and worked all sorts of hours which left me basically a single mum in a strange land with no support network. We never gave it an instant's thought when we came - we sold a house, packed up and moved within 2 months (even remembered late that I would need a visa to get here). It was perfectly do-able and although I then realized that a life talking to someone who couldnt talk back and with other adults who were only interested in talking about solid foods and potty training, was driving me nuts and I went back to study. I have worked pretty much full time ever since.

So, it is possible to eat your cake and have it too - it is possible to bring up children without a support network around you but I am not saying it is easy! Raising the kids here was OK but it would probably have been OK wherever we were in the world, it wasnt magic or outstanding it was just another place to bring up kids and what they may have gained in one respect they missed out in lots of other ways. Now adult men, one of them has returned to UK for better career options while the other lives a self sufficient life out in the bush with his family.

Be careful that you arent responding to a case of itchy feet, would be my only warning. Sometimes that yearning for the greener grass of somewhere else can blind you to all the good things that you have going on for you right now. If I had thought back then that I would be stuck here now for my old age then I would never have come - some dreams end up as nightmares. If what you have got now is good then stick with it and have your baby in an environment where they can grow up with an extended family and you can have a solid support network.

Mrs Kiwi

Guys, thanks a million for the advice and inspirational stories - they've really struck a cord with me.
Midwife Mandy - good on you for doing it on your own. With an attitude like yours I'm sure you'll make a real success of the move.
Quoll - moving to Oz with a 6 month old baby and having a hubbie that worked long hours must have been hard but it sounds like the kids grew into successful men so you must have done something right! I get the impression you may be feeling a bit stuck in Oz now your kids are grown up & settled there? If you've raised your kids it's your time now - could you and your OH do a bit of travelling or have an extended visit back to the UK now? Try and have the best of both worlds.
Jerseytoo - well done for hanging on to the dream of Oz for 8 years - go for it and I'm sure it'll work out for you. It's funny how things happen (eg kids) when you're planning something else entirely!
Thats to everyone for listening to me and offering advice - knowing that you guys have felt similiar emotions and had similiar experiences and all seem to be still smiling and happy really has made me feel loads better.
I've still got a big decision to make - do we have kids here now and then emigrate in a few years or emigrate now and settle in for a couple of years and then have kids in Oz???
Judging from your stories there is no right or wrong answer - I hope I have half the determination you guys seem to have and I'll be ok whatever we decide!
I'm going to run it past my hubbie now (for the hundredth time!!!!)
Thanks guys, I really mean it xxxxxxxxxx