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Old Feb 17th 2011, 12:28 am
  #1  
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The situation is this.
My wifes dad has not been well for a while he has smoked all his life and he is 67now and when we visited last feb2010 he was not well but he still got on with his day,bring it up to today and we were told that he is in a lot of pain from stones and while they had him in hospital they told him that he had suffered two small heart attacks, what with his lung disease he is starting to get weak and slow down and lose weight.
The dilemma we have is if we stay in OZ and some thing does happen i dont know how we would get to UK very quick and what if we didnt get back in time,how would my wife and two children feel.
My children loved"grumps" and remember him with great memories,we left five years ago when my boy was 5 and the daughter was 10.
The question is has anyone been in this situation before where a close relative has passed away while they could not get to them,have you managed to get over it or do you battle with guilt for not being there, or do we move back and get our children to know them again and maybe it will give "grumps" the energy to pull himself back together and last a lot longer,he has been given angina tablets and pain killers for the stones.
My wife has a good job here but i know if she misses him passing she will find it very difficult to deal with also my children would take it hard, and do i them blame myself for taking the family away from them to chase my dream of a better life in OZ.
Timing is never good in these situations, im finishing off a house i built and then i need to sell it, that could take ages also we need to get the dog ready for travel which takes six months.
Both my wife and myself do feel bad as we dont know if we rushed back he will be ok, we wont really be ready to move back till july/august and that may be to late,god i feel mixed up.
If people have been in this situation before, how did it work for you,did it work out ok in the end and did you make a new life back in UK.
Im hoping that if we go back, my kids say they want to be with them at weekends and my son wants to become a guard dog trainer, of which "grumps" is a qualified trainer and we hope that this will get him better and make him stronger because he has got some thing to work for,Both my wifes parents have taken it hard inside them selfs with us moving to OZ and we wonder if we do this for them both then it will also give us a great feeling.
We are struggling with life in Brisbane at the moment and feel as we should move back to UK to settle or feelings, but as i said it wont be till july/august 2011 before we can fly back and it makes you feel stuck.
I wish i could find my crystal ball and that would help me
thanks for reading this as it is the only way i can talk about things as we dont have any family in OZ
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 1:22 am
  #2  
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Default Re: Help

I honestly wouldn't consider moving back if the rest of your lives are good and you're happy. Your FiL would not thank you for that and if he were to die as soon as you got back, what would you do then? Can you manage a 'holiday' now to see him, say what needs to be said and come back? Unfortunately it's not being in Aus that's the problem, you could be anywhere in the UK and still not be there at the end so please don't beat yourself up about moving the family.

You can't live your lives for others outside the immediate family, however much you love them. He's not in the position he's in because of you moving over here, it's life unfortunately and whilst it will break everyone's heart when it finally happens, your lives continue.

I think (if you haven't already) you should maybe have a long chat with other family members and his doctors, ask for the 'best case' scenario and try and make a decision from that. However, one thing I would add, if you were to move back, and he did perk up because of it, how much pain and medication would he be requiring for the future? Doesn't there come a time when, although it will hurt you all desperately to have him die, it would hurt 10 times more for him to stay alive but having no real life?

I'm not in your position and dread the day I am, but I think a goodbye holiday is your best bet (would be for me anyway) and then leave him, knowing you've seen him in as good a condition as is possible. I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to watch someone they love, fade away in pain, been there, done that with my dad and at the time my sister was living abroad and couldn't come back until the funeral. She's always been kind of grateful that she didn't see him at his worse because her memories of the last time she saw him are way better than mine
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 1:37 am
  #3  
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Default Re: Help

Originally Posted by moneypenny20
I honestly wouldn't consider moving back if the rest of your lives are good and you're happy. Your FiL would not thank you for that and if he were to die as soon as you got back, what would you do then? Can you manage a 'holiday' now to see him, say what needs to be said and come back? Unfortunately it's not being in Aus that's the problem, you could be anywhere in the UK and still not be there at the end so please don't beat yourself up about moving the family.

You can't live your lives for others outside the immediate family, however much you love them. He's not in the position he's in because of you moving over here, it's life unfortunately and whilst it will break everyone's heart when it finally happens, your lives continue.

I think (if you haven't already) you should maybe have a long chat with other family members and his doctors, ask for the 'best case' scenario and try and make a decision from that. However, one thing I would add, if you were to move back, and he did perk up because of it, how much pain and medication would he be requiring for the future? Doesn't there come a time when, although it will hurt you all desperately to have him die, it would hurt 10 times more for him to stay alive but having no real life?

I'm not in your position and dread the day I am, but I think a goodbye holiday is your best bet (would be for me anyway) and then leave him, knowing you've seen him in as good a condition as is possible. I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to watch someone they love, fade away in pain, been there, done that with my dad and at the time my sister was living abroad and couldn't come back until the funeral. She's always been kind of grateful that she didn't see him at his worse because her memories of the last time she saw him are way better than mine
Thankyou for your kind words.
It is really difficult as deep down my wife is hurting and the kids keep asking about him as they remember how he was.
We have a difficult time ahead and both my wife and i have talked about all options and what could happen.
I think that my wife would want to spend some time with her family and if he gets better than thats fine but as you say what about our life in oz.
As i stated i have built a 4bed low set and will sell that, we have a bigger house that we own with the banks that we have rented out, we both said that we would keep the big house rented out because that way if we go back to the uk and we decide or things change then we can come back to oz and we own a house that we can come back to.
I suppose that life is full of suprises and decisions and we have to make the best of what we do.
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 3:54 am
  #4  
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Default Re: Help

We had been over here around five years when my FIL was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in advanced stage - basically terminal. We thought we might have a year or possibly more if some of the treatments worked.

We had already planned a month back in Spain with all the family coming to visit us (so we could all be on holiday). My husband and FIL did not discuss damm all but decided to ignore as the best way of handling things. I am in no way saying this is wrong it worked well for them. Husband did not want to move back as he felt this would make his dad feel responsible.

FIL managed the holiday very ill but had a great time and we all said our goodbyes in our own way. He died three months later and my husband tried to make it to his side but missed out by three hours! He stayed for three weeks and helped out the family with everything which worked well for him. I had the hard job of telling the kids and helping them deal with the vast loss of Grand dad, I had been preparing them for months. They coped very well and even said it had been better than watching him waste away. Children 15/18.

Husband and I have no guilt we could do no more than make the decisions we did at the time with the people involved. What might have made the situation very different is that if a person dying was going to leave another family member devastated and alone I would reconsider the choices we made.

Everything hurt and hurt like hell losing this lovely lovely man - no distance would have changed that and we felt we could do no more being there. My father and mother live in different places overseas from the UK; I think I would make the same decisions for my side if / when this occurs whether I am in the UK or AUS. What I do not kid myself with is that living overseas can be hard lots of times and 24hrs away is a load of balls if you need to do it in a hurry or when you want to be there for something regularly. But I tend to hate the distance more for the living in cases such as missing weddings/kids/special occasions.

What is important here is what you want for your family as a whole. Make a decision and know for the current time and knowledge it is the best you do. Something might change to change this path further on but take the best guess and do not feel guilty.

Best of luck and I hope your FIL improves.
Regards
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 4:51 am
  #5  
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Default Re: Help

I came over here in 1983, and over the next 12 years my parents came out here to visit about 3 times. Then in late 1994 my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she died in May 1995. At the time I was separated from my wife, looking after our children and then changing jobs which involved changing states, so not only did I not get to see my mother before she died but I also didn't get to her funeral due to lack of time and money. That's something I will never stop feeling guilty about - not the funeral as Mum wouldn't have cared about that, but not seeing her before she died.

In 2006 we went back for my father's 92nd birthday - then he died in May and we went back for the funeral. So I expiated some of my guilt feelings, but some are still with me.

If you need to go back for a visit to see your FIL before he dies then do it - but don't feel guilty if you can't be there when he dies, that bit won't matter to him.
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 5:51 am
  #6  
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Thankyou for your words, im able to pick up things in every word said.
As it is my farther in law it is a different situation for me compared to my wife,she was and is very close to her mum and dad and as stated in one of the above comments her mum will find it very hard to cope without "grumps" but i feel as if this is the least i can do for my wife is give her choices that she can take and we as the rest of the family can always adjust and survive, and who knows what life will bring for us.
I suppose it is hard for any one to try and deal with a loss of a family member where ever you live.
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 11:41 am
  #7  
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Default Re: Help

I cant offer and advice at the moment.Tired and just in the door.I sympathize with you and your family.Think carefully and do whats right in your heart.We have my Dad sick at the moment.We have a holiday that was planned last year so hopefully that will work out ok.But I dont envy anyone having to make these decisions.All the best.
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Old Feb 17th 2011, 10:11 pm
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My mother (in the UK) passed away from cancer a number of years ago. At the time my brother was in Australia and I was in Ireland (we are now both here in Aus).

When it was clear that my Mum was terminally ill, he came over to the UK with the family for a "farewell" visit. We did some things that my Mum particularly liked, took her back to London for pie, eels and mash, took her to the football, to the seaside, that kind of thing.

My brother's approach was that he would rather come over to see my Mum when she was still with us than come over for the funeral. The whole family, including my Mum and Dad, benefitted enormously from this approach.

Although it was obviously very hard, they were able to say goodbye before returning to Australia.

I would really recommend that you consider this as an option.

Subsequently, when my mother passed, in a local hospice, my Dad had been constantly by her bedside, but had to pop away for a couple of hours as there seemed to be a "good" window of opportunity. So he wasn't there at her actual passing.

So it doesn't necessarily matter how near you are physically, and I would say it is what you do before that is most important. Good luck.
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