Guilt of leaving behind your parents
#16
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Thank you to you all that have put your message on here. When my husband told his parents recently, his mum was a bit tearful and says different things etc....then said hopefully I'll be dead by the time you go!! His father was ok ish, but didnt make my husband feel awful etc....I think his mums comment is sad and it made my husband feel awful.
She saw him again. We spent goodness knows how much flying to and fro for years.
Your husband must not feel bad for the words that come from his Mum. She is just expressing her love , sorrow, love and fear. We will all do this at times in our life. Husband should take it as care and then think what he will do & plan to see her again.
It is always tough on those left behind when we lose someone we love.
#17
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Some parents are particularly skilled at piling on the guilt.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
He's the eldest of three, the youngest still lives at his mother's and the middle one visits every other day. Mr Dreamy hadn't even lived in the area for years before we left but still, we destroyed her life by moving away.
She manages to destroy a bit of ours every other year when she visits.
I was lucky with my parents - they had to deal with the guilt ladled on by my Dad's mother in the 70s when they were offered a chance at emigrating to Australia, allowed that to influence them and regretted it, so they were very understanding (sad, but understanding) when we moved, even though my brother migrated to Greece 5 years earlier. My children's other grandparents were equally understanding and supportive even though the kids are their last link to their son who died.
It's just. Her.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
He's the eldest of three, the youngest still lives at his mother's and the middle one visits every other day. Mr Dreamy hadn't even lived in the area for years before we left but still, we destroyed her life by moving away.
She manages to destroy a bit of ours every other year when she visits.
I was lucky with my parents - they had to deal with the guilt ladled on by my Dad's mother in the 70s when they were offered a chance at emigrating to Australia, allowed that to influence them and regretted it, so they were very understanding (sad, but understanding) when we moved, even though my brother migrated to Greece 5 years earlier. My children's other grandparents were equally understanding and supportive even though the kids are their last link to their son who died.
It's just. Her.
#18
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Some parents are particularly skilled at piling on the guilt.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
He's the eldest of three, the youngest still lives at his mother's and the middle one visits every other day. Mr Dreamy hadn't even lived in the area for years before we left but still, we destroyed her life by moving away.
She manages to destroy a bit of ours every other year when she visits.
I was lucky with my parents - they had to deal with the guilt ladled on by my Dad's mother in the 70s when they were offered a chance at emigrating to Australia, allowed that to influence them and regretted it, so they were very understanding (sad, but understanding) when we moved, even though my brother migrated to Greece 5 years earlier. My children's other grandparents were equally understanding and supportive even though the kids are their last link to their son who died.
It's just. Her.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
He's the eldest of three, the youngest still lives at his mother's and the middle one visits every other day. Mr Dreamy hadn't even lived in the area for years before we left but still, we destroyed her life by moving away.
She manages to destroy a bit of ours every other year when she visits.
I was lucky with my parents - they had to deal with the guilt ladled on by my Dad's mother in the 70s when they were offered a chance at emigrating to Australia, allowed that to influence them and regretted it, so they were very understanding (sad, but understanding) when we moved, even though my brother migrated to Greece 5 years earlier. My children's other grandparents were equally understanding and supportive even though the kids are their last link to their son who died.
It's just. Her.
#19
Account Closed
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 0
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
When husband told his mother , my My Smother-in-Law , her reaction was to mutter that she would never see him again in her lifetime. Total codswallop of course but that is how she felt . In our view she was entitled to express her sorrow , after all he was her only son , so he took that on the chin.
She saw him again. We spent goodness knows how much flying to and fro for years.
Your husband must not feel bad for the words that come from his Mum. She is just expressing her love , sorrow, love and fear. We will all do this at times in our life. Husband should take it as care and then think what he will do & plan to see her again.
It is always tough on those left behind when we lose someone we love.
She saw him again. We spent goodness knows how much flying to and fro for years.
Your husband must not feel bad for the words that come from his Mum. She is just expressing her love , sorrow, love and fear. We will all do this at times in our life. Husband should take it as care and then think what he will do & plan to see her again.
It is always tough on those left behind when we lose someone we love.
Some parents are particularly skilled at piling on the guilt.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
I disconnected the router this Christmas after Mr Dreamy's mother was sobbing down the camera, singing along to "It'll be lonely this Christmas" which was playing on loop, getting louder and louder as Mr Dreamy was completely oblivious.
#20
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 14,040
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Not necessarily the case though. My sister and I got equal shares when my Dad went she is in the UK, I had been here several years. My mum's current position is that 2 of her kids will get an equal share - thats me and my sister. The third, who is in the UK, gets his just desserts, absolutely nothing.
#22
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
In the situation I now find myself, that would be a totally acceptable outcome - I would happily forgo any inheritance for the freedom of having my life back. IMHO the one who does the hard yards as a carer should be recompensed (I say this as an only child who is the carer - I would very happily swap!). I can understand that it doesn't make for happy families down the track though and resentment can simmer.
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,775
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Regarding wills. Something I do know a bit about. Possibly wrong to think its a done deal with regards to inheritance, just due to putting in the 'hard yards'. What can just as easily happen is undue regard to another family member or similar, who have not been exactly 'close', but in order to attempt to win over some 'affection' (for want of another word) sign over the bulk or entirety to so said person. It can be through 'desire', as mentioned, or bullying on the other hand.
Then there's the will made to pacify a close family member (s) after request to view, which appears in order in degree of fairness, only to be changed, unfavourably to suit other 'interests'. This can often result with 'blended' families , step kids, or indeed a sibling influencing outcomes in own favour.
The worst of personalities often result from such transactions in order to obtain personal gain. Regardless of persona in other aspects of life. It is often only discovered too late, when impossible to influence course of events, for the most part. Assume nothing and accept anything as a bonus.
Then there's the will made to pacify a close family member (s) after request to view, which appears in order in degree of fairness, only to be changed, unfavourably to suit other 'interests'. This can often result with 'blended' families , step kids, or indeed a sibling influencing outcomes in own favour.
The worst of personalities often result from such transactions in order to obtain personal gain. Regardless of persona in other aspects of life. It is often only discovered too late, when impossible to influence course of events, for the most part. Assume nothing and accept anything as a bonus.
#24
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
In the situation I now find myself, that would be a totally acceptable outcome - I would happily forgo any inheritance for the freedom of having my life back. IMHO the one who does the hard yards as a carer should be recompensed (I say this as an only child who is the carer - I would very happily swap!). I can understand that it doesn't make for happy families down the track though and resentment can simmer.
There are those that give and those that just take advantage. It isn't nice.
We did what we did out of love and care. It seems others did little to nothing but saw gain.
#25
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
My grandmother changed her will like some people change underwear. If one of her children upset her, however minor, she'd have the solicitor alter the inheritance and took pleasure in telling everyone. Only winner was the solicitor. When she died we found a cabinet full of updated wills. In the end she'd split it 48/48 with the remainder split between the grandchildren. Kept her brain active I guess
#26
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
In our cases we were the carers as far as we could manage. It was our time and our money that helped ensure our respective parents lived the life they wanted best they could. We shuttled back and forth . We arranged, advocated, spent time - lots of time. Siblings though, they sat on their hands doing little to nothing, taking elderly parents for granted until the end was nigh and even then not stepping up.
There are those that give and those that just take advantage. It isn't nice.
We did what we did out of love and care. It seems others did little to nothing but saw gain.
There are those that give and those that just take advantage. It isn't nice.
We did what we did out of love and care. It seems others did little to nothing but saw gain.
#27
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Update:
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.
#28
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Update:
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.
#29
Account Closed
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 0
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
My Mother has tried a little of the guilt on me - interestingly, after the infamous referendum (she voted for brexit) she emailed and said "now you will have to come "home""!
My view has been that she live her life very much as she wanted to, regardless, so we are doing the same.
Harsh? Under our family's circumstances - I don't think so.
My view has been that she live her life very much as she wanted to, regardless, so we are doing the same.
Harsh? Under our family's circumstances - I don't think so.
#30
Re: Guilt of leaving behind your parents
Update:
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.
I told my mum yesterday of our plans and then I get a text from her later in the evening saying how she and my dad are so, so upset and want me and my husband to stay until there passing so they can be looked after in their old age as they need me.
They moved to our area when we returned from Australia nearly 5 years ago and my mum said she fought tooth and nail to get my dad to agree to the move as he was very happy where they were.
So, how long is a piece of string?
I think my husband will still go ahead with his visa application anyway.
Feeling very emotional and trapped at the moment.