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Going crazy...what would you do?

Going crazy...what would you do?

Old Oct 19th 2004, 1:47 pm
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Unhappy Going crazy...what would you do?

Hi!

This is the first time I've posted and the first time I've even come across this website. I'm having a huge dilemma, I've been going around in circles in my head now for months and months on end, it's making me so miserable I feel like bursting into tears practically every day. Long story short - I always intended to migrate to Oz from about 5 years ago. I studied for a year at an Australian uni and my sister and nieces are Australian citizens. I only returned to the UK in order to get a couple years work experience so that I could apply for my residency in Oz.

I've just about got those two years now. The only problem is that I've met somebody and fallen in love but he doesn't not want to live in Australia. I thought I'd kinda comes to terms with this, but the more and more I think about it the more it gets me down. He's said that he 'may' consider it at some point in the future but that if I am to stay with him (and that really means if we get married) then I have to envisage the worse case scenario which is that we never go.

I've started to kinda resent the fact that I'm supposed to accept that unless he has a sudden change of heart, I am expected to be 101% happy about living in the UK (I hate it here, apart from the fact that my parents are still here). It all seems to be on his terms - if he decides in the future that he might like to try it then ok, but otherwise I am to go through the next 40,50,60 years assuming we will never go. And deep down I don't think he will ever want to go.

I'm realisitic, I don't expect anyone to want to do exactly that same as me, it just seems harsh that I've been told - 'assume we will never go'. If his work demanded that we move to New York tomorrow, I'd go with him. Or at least I'd be open to it. He can't even promise me that in the next 50 years, at some point, if only for while, he MIGHT consider it.

I really really love this guy, I can't imagine not having him in my life but equally I can't imagine living in dreary, miserable UK for the rest of my life either. He really seems like a homeboy and I'm not. I could probably get my residency if I applied for it within the next 6 months. Otherwise there is a chance I'll never get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think about it every day. I'm also 30 years old and it's the the typical female dilemma re: children. My partner loves me to death and would be a wonderful father - do I sacrifice all of this for my dream of living in Australia? I'm scared of going and I'm scared of staying. Please help!!
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 1:53 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by Nutty
Hi!

This is the first time I've posted and the first time I've even come across this website. I'm having a huge dilemma, I've been going around in circles in my head now for months and months on end, it's making me so miserable I feel like bursting into tears practically every day. Long story short - I always intended to migrate to Oz from about 5 years ago. I studied for a year at an Australian uni and my sister and nieces are Australian citizens. I only returned to the UK in order to get a couple years work experience so that I could apply for my residency in Oz.

I've just about got those two years now. The only problem is that I've met somebody and fallen in love but he doesn't not want to live in Australia. I thought I'd kinda comes to terms with this, but the more and more I think about it the more it gets me down. He's said that he 'may' consider it at some point in the future but that if I am to stay with him (and that really means if we get married) then I have to envisage the worse case scenario which is that we never go.

I've started to kinda resent the fact that I'm supposed to accept that unless he has a sudden change of heart, I am expected to be 101% happy about living in the UK (I hate it here, apart from the fact that my parents are still here). It all seems to be on his terms - if he decides in the future that he might like to try it then ok, but otherwise I am to go through the next 40,50,60 years assuming we will never go. And deep down I don't think he will ever want to go.

I'm realisitic, I don't expect anyone to want to do exactly that same as me, it just seems harsh that I've been told - 'assume we will never go'. If his work demanded that we move to New York tomorrow, I'd go with him. Or at least I'd be open to it. He can't even promise me that in the next 50 years, at some point, if only for while, he MIGHT consider it.

I really really love this guy, I can't imagine not having him in my life but equally I can't imagine living in dreary, miserable UK for the rest of my life either. He really seems like a homeboy and I'm not. I could probably get my residency if I applied for it within the next 6 months. Otherwise there is a chance I'll never get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think about it every day. I'm also 30 years old and it's the the typical female dilemma re: children. My partner loves me to death and would be a wonderful father - do I sacrifice all of this for my dream of living in Australia? I'm scared of going and I'm scared of staying. Please help!!
Hi
I am not really good at advice like this but has he been to Australia, he might fall in love with it if he visits. Also at 30 doesn't that give you 4 safe years before you lose valuable points for migration. I managed to apply 12 days before my 35th birthday otherwise I would have lost the essentials required number of points.
He might be your lobster (do you watch friends????)
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 1:58 pm
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Smile Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by Nutty
Hi!

This is the first time I've posted and the first time I've even come across this website. I'm having a huge dilemma, I've been going around in circles in my head now for months and months on end, it's making me so miserable I feel like bursting into tears practically every day. Long story short - I always intended to migrate to Oz from about 5 years ago. I studied for a year at an Australian uni and my sister and nieces are Australian citizens. I only returned to the UK in order to get a couple years work experience so that I could apply for my residency in Oz.

I've just about got those two years now. The only problem is that I've met somebody and fallen in love but he doesn't not want to live in Australia. I thought I'd kinda comes to terms with this, but the more and more I think about it the more it gets me down. He's said that he 'may' consider it at some point in the future but that if I am to stay with him (and that really means if we get married) then I have to envisage the worse case scenario which is that we never go.

I've started to kinda resent the fact that I'm supposed to accept that unless he has a sudden change of heart, I am expected to be 101% happy about living in the UK (I hate it here, apart from the fact that my parents are still here). It all seems to be on his terms - if he decides in the future that he might like to try it then ok, but otherwise I am to go through the next 40,50,60 years assuming we will never go. And deep down I don't think he will ever want to go.

I'm realisitic, I don't expect anyone to want to do exactly that same as me, it just seems harsh that I've been told - 'assume we will never go'. If his work demanded that we move to New York tomorrow, I'd go with him. Or at least I'd be open to it. He can't even promise me that in the next 50 years, at some point, if only for while, he MIGHT consider it.

I really really love this guy, I can't imagine not having him in my life but equally I can't imagine living in dreary, miserable UK for the rest of my life either. He really seems like a homeboy and I'm not. I could probably get my residency if I applied for it within the next 6 months. Otherwise there is a chance I'll never get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think about it every day. I'm also 30 years old and it's the the typical female dilemma re: children. My partner loves me to death and would be a wonderful father - do I sacrifice all of this for my dream of living in Australia? I'm scared of going and I'm scared of staying. Please help!!
You poor thing - your heart must be torn......but as you said - 'you hate it in the uk'...do you really think you would be happy here if you stayed just for your man - surely at some point down the line you would start to regret it & maybe take it out on him!
You have to do what your heart wants - not what your head says...scary as you may think you might not get a chance with a guy like him again, but if he truly loves you - then you need to convince him that you would not be 100% happy staying here & that if you did it would be just for him!!
I wish you luck & joy & a happy relationship - hope it works out

Jubri
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:12 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

its easy-apply for visa - get visa- decide if you want to validate- then see.But get the visa -you dont have to use it.

(before anyone says its a potenial waste of a visa -plenty return anyways and waste a visa)
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:20 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by seang
its easy-apply for visa - get visa- decide if you want to validate- then see.But get the visa -you dont have to use it.

(before anyone says its a potenial waste of a visa -plenty return anyways and waste a visa)
Now why did I not think of that! Fantastic advice!
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:26 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

The reason I wouldn't be able to apply in another 6 months time is because I am currently retraining to by a Primary School teacher. I COULD then wait and do a couple years in this field, but looking at some comments on this forum I'm not sure I'd get a positive skills assessment under teaching as my degree was only 3 years and not 4 and I know some teachers have had problems due to this.

My partner has been to Australia. He's done the 6 weeks fly-by back packing trip down the east coast a few years ago which hardly qualifys for getting a good feel for how it might be living there. The problem is I have lived and worked abroad for 4 years (3 in Japan and 1 in Australia) so I know that it is possible that the daily grudge of life CAN be much better in other countries. I don't think backpacking gives you any idea whatsoever what it is like to really live in a country. I know there is no guarantee of happiness abroad, but I'm willing to take the risk - he isn't. I miss waking up to sunlight and I miss being outside. Also I really can't stand the thought of having children in the U.K. and bringing them up in stuffy centrally heated houses. I know this all sounds crazy, but when you've had 4 years of decent weather and a relatively more chilled out way of living the U.K. really stinks in comparison. I'm beginning to wish I'd never lived abroad - because in my case, ignorance would be bliss.

To top it all off, I only have one sister, we are very very close and I miss her dreadfully - I see my life as a constant yearning, I'll always be counting the days until I can go and visit her in Australia. I think I'm so upset at the moment because she came over to the U.K. for 6 weeks in the summer and it was so so nice to have her around again.

Of course, this isn't my partner's fault at all - but we are where we are. We may be going for a holiday to Brisbane next summer, perhaps when he sees how my two young nieces spend their days running wild and swimming in the pool he'll think it might be a good idea.....

Has anyone gone to live in Australia and left somebody they loved to do it??
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:33 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by seang
its easy-apply for visa - get visa- decide if you want to validate- then see.But get the visa -you dont have to use it.

(before anyone says its a potenial waste of a visa -plenty return anyways and waste a visa)
I've already thought about this but the logistics of it are much more complicated. First of all I can only get the necessary points (now 120!) if my sister sponsors me. That requires a $3500 bond and also the $1845 for the visa. It's a lot of money for something I might not carry through (but I am hearing you and I know what you are saying).

In addition my parents and partner would have to know I was applying (because I have to include recent passport pics of my dad for one, I can't really huddle my father in a passport booth and say 'cheese' without him being suspicious) which would cause my parents to ask a million questions and probably go mad that I was even contemplating going without my partner. And my partner would probably break up with me/and or be extremely upset that I was applying. I really think that if my partner knew I had applied after meeting him, it would cause untold amounts of upset.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:36 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by Nutty
The reason I wouldn't be able to apply in another 6 months time is because I am currently retraining to by a Primary School teacher. I COULD then wait and do a couple years in this field, but looking at some comments on this forum I'm not sure I'd get a positive skills assessment under teaching as my degree was only 3 years and not 4 and I know some teachers have had problems due to this.

My partner has been to Australia. He's done the 6 weeks fly-by back packing trip down the east coast a few years ago which hardly qualifys for getting a good feel for how it might be living there. The problem is I have lived and worked abroad for 4 years (3 in Japan and 1 in Australia) so I know that it is possible that the daily grudge of life CAN be much better in other countries. I don't think backpacking gives you any idea whatsoever what it is like to really live in a country. I know there is no guarantee of happiness abroad, but I'm willing to take the risk - he isn't. I miss waking up to sunlight and I miss being outside. Also I really can't stand the thought of having children in the U.K. and bringing them up in stuffy centrally heated houses. I know this all sounds crazy, but when you've had 4 years of decent weather and a relatively more chilled out way of living the U.K. really stinks in comparison. I'm beginning to wish I'd never lived abroad - because in my case, ignorance would be bliss.

To top it all off, I only have one sister, we are very very close and I miss her dreadfully - I see my life as a constant yearning, I'll always be counting the days until I can go and visit her in Australia. I think I'm so upset at the moment because she came over to the U.K. for 6 weeks in the summer and it was so so nice to have her around again.

Of course, this isn't my partner's fault at all - but we are where we are. We may be going for a holiday to Brisbane next summer, perhaps when he sees how my two young nieces spend their days running wild and swimming in the pool he'll think it might be a good idea.....

Has anyone gone to live in Australia and left somebody they loved to do it??
I think you need to stop beating yourself up over this, I am a teacher with a 3 year degree whose only sister lives in Sydney. I miss her terribly too. The reality and I am sorry to be so negative is that you probably will not get through the skills assessment unless you have a 4th year in full time education related to teaching. I am by no means an expert on this. If you are not eligible to migrate your problem is solved. Call Go Matilda, they have been great with my failure to get my 3 year teaching degree positviely assessed.
Take it a day at a time, try for your visa before making any decisions.
Tara
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:38 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by ali south
I think you need to stop beating yourself up over this, I am a teacher with a 3 year degree whose only sister lives in Sydney. I miss her terribly too. The reality and I am sorry to be so negative is that you probably will not get through the skills assessment unless you have a 4th year in full time education related to teaching. I am by no means an expert on this. If you are not eligible to migrate your problem is solved. Call Go Matilda, they have been great with my failure to get my 3 year teaching degree positviely assessed.
Take it a day at a time, try for your visa before making any decisions.
Tara
sorry wrote this while you replied above!
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:39 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by Nutty
I've already thought about this but the logistics of it are much more complicated. First of all I can only get the necessary points (now 120!) if my sister sponsors me. That requires a $3500 bond and also the $1845 for the visa. It's a lot of money for something I might not carry through (but I am hearing you and I know what you are saying).

In addition my parents and partner would have to know I was applying (because I have to include recent passport pics of my dad for one, I can't really huddle my father in a passport booth and say 'cheese' without him being suspicious) which would cause my parents to ask a million questions and probably go mad that I was even contemplating going without my partner. And my partner would probably break up with me/and or be extremely upset that I was applying. I really think that if my partner knew I had applied after meeting him, it would cause untold amounts of upset.
Are you sure about the photos, my dad knows nothing about my application and I have not had to submit photos. I think the bond has to be paid once you are accepted and have made the decision.
Tara
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:42 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

All I can do is recount my experiences...

I am 32 and have been with my partner for just over 10 years now. We have travelled a lot over the last six years, using sabbaticals and extended holidays etc, and spent 4 months in Oz a couple of years ago.

She has been home sick on a number of occasions whilst travelling; generally when we spend more than a month in another country which we have done on a number of occasions.

Anyhow...

After leaving Oz I decided that I wanted to live there. We had enjoyed visiting other places but this was the first place that I wanted to emmigrate to; I am not a UK 'basher' but I have been more interested in living elswhere for sometime.

She didn't!

...or more to the point, she did (sort of) but didn't want to leave family and friends etc.

I have held in for two years, with regular gentle persuasion, and we have finally just sent off HER skills assessment and hope to move to Melbourne in late 05 / early 06.

At no point have I said to her that I might leave her to go, which I think helped big time, and one of the main points that helped her agree was my saying that we won't plan on going for ever. We might stay there for a couple of months, a couple of years or the rest of our lives... we will just see how we get on.

I think the most important thing was that she new, firstly, how important it was for me to go but, secondly, how important she is to me as well.

Hope this helps.
Hang in there, things ALWAYS work out.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:43 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

why would you need to get a passport photo of your father?

I could see that your partner would be upset if he found out that you had applied without telling him. So why don't you be open and honest with him? Say that you are applying (or thinking of doing so), you are putting everything into your relationship to make it work, if it doesn't work out then you can carry out your dream to move to Oz which maybe impossible if left, and if things work out then you are willing(??) to forgo using the visa to be with him or if he should change his mind the option is there??
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:46 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by ali south
Are you sure about the photos, my dad knows nothing about my application and I have not had to submit photos. I think the bond has to be paid once you are accepted and have made the decision.
Tara
If that's true about the bond then that's not too bad then.

I think I have to include pics of both my parents but maybe I need to re-read the application form.

How can two people who are so good for each other want to live in two different countries!! My life has never been simple. When I first met him I was totally honest about wanting to live in Australia. He said, at the time, he wouldn't really want to go but if he thought it made me unhappy enough he would give it a go for me. He has since retracted that comment - I think he would have said anything at the time if you know what I mean. We have discussed this quite a lot and he is well aware that the ONLY reason I am staying in the U.K. is for him. Having said that, if we went, he'd only be going for me - ahhhhh.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:49 pm
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Smile Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Originally Posted by Nutty
Hi!

This is the first time I've posted and the first time I've even come across this website. I'm having a huge dilemma, I've been going around in circles in my head now for months and months on end, it's making me so miserable I feel like bursting into tears practically every day. Long story short - I always intended to migrate to Oz from about 5 years ago. I studied for a year at an Australian uni and my sister and nieces are Australian citizens. I only returned to the UK in order to get a couple years work experience so that I could apply for my residency in Oz.

I've just about got those two years now. The only problem is that I've met somebody and fallen in love but he doesn't not want to live in Australia. I thought I'd kinda comes to terms with this, but the more and more I think about it the more it gets me down. He's said that he 'may' consider it at some point in the future but that if I am to stay with him (and that really means if we get married) then I have to envisage the worse case scenario which is that we never go.

I've started to kinda resent the fact that I'm supposed to accept that unless he has a sudden change of heart, I am expected to be 101% happy about living in the UK (I hate it here, apart from the fact that my parents are still here). It all seems to be on his terms - if he decides in the future that he might like to try it then ok, but otherwise I am to go through the next 40,50,60 years assuming we will never go. And deep down I don't think he will ever want to go.

I'm realisitic, I don't expect anyone to want to do exactly that same as me, it just seems harsh that I've been told - 'assume we will never go'. If his work demanded that we move to New York tomorrow, I'd go with him. Or at least I'd be open to it. He can't even promise me that in the next 50 years, at some point, if only for while, he MIGHT consider it.

I really really love this guy, I can't imagine not having him in my life but equally I can't imagine living in dreary, miserable UK for the rest of my life either. He really seems like a homeboy and I'm not. I could probably get my residency if I applied for it within the next 6 months. Otherwise there is a chance I'll never get it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think about it every day. I'm also 30 years old and it's the the typical female dilemma re: children. My partner loves me to death and would be a wonderful father - do I sacrifice all of this for my dream of living in Australia? I'm scared of going and I'm scared of staying. Please help!!
Hi,
Its good to read that someone else out there has the same problem as I Had, yes you read right HAD!!! I visited Oz three years agao and fell inlove with the place, had the family out there to assist with my visa......so I started my application with an agent. Then a man came into my life and unlike yours wanted to come to Oz too, however I think he was after a free ticket more than anything. I gathered this when I took him to an exhibition in Esher (really advise anyone looking to go to Oz, NZ, Europe, Canada to go and this is where I found my agent) and he didnt have any paper work ready and when he found out I could sponsor him after living there for 1 year I had to accept the fact he was leaning on me to get him out there!!! If I had know him longer things maybe different, but on the 26th Nov Im off for good. He is still coming out in Jan but I can not imagine it will work out. Go for it girl, life is just too short and you'll always be kicking yourself if you dont go.
Hope that helps!!!
Take care Jules in the Nile x
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 2:59 pm
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Default Re: Going crazy...what would you do?

Can i ask a question?

How long have you and this guy been together?
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