Hels

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!".

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

Hels

One for the girls!!!

webgum

Chuckling at that one. Thanks!

biggy

hehe me likes this one

wholeworldwindow

Man - is that a real product? I would SO buy that! I love it!

coxfamuk

Oh, this is excellent - just what I need at 7:30 in the morning!! Well done Hels

steve99

Best Out of Office Auto Replies for your email.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for
the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons..
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'John'

mick n cheryl

Thought I would join in with the funnies
Here's a few:

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose
a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are *****ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs....







An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus The Scouser shouts, "***** off, I'm on disability benefit!"





A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"









It was George the postman¿s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The people at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of tea. As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the Fiver for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "***** him.... Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."







Jeff walks into a pub and sees his mate Paul slumped at the bar. he walks over and asks whats wrong.

"Well," replies paul "you know that beautiful girl i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection everytime i saw her?"

"yes" says jeff.

"Well i finally plucked up the courage to ask her out and she agreed."

"great! when are you going out?"

" i went to meet her tonight, but incase i got an erection again i got some duct tape and taped my *** to my leg, so it wouldn't show."

"sensible says jeff"

"so i got to the door and rang the bell. she answered it in the tiniest dress ever."

"and what happen then?"

"oohh disater, i kicked her in the face!"

Pants

Story told by a very sensitive man..


Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The woman from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted, "you should be hung."

I took a slug from my bottle of Corona, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunglasses, stared directly at this nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

After a few days I went and bought the wife a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side.

melibeam

I want one, now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The knife block, in case you were wondering)

Mel

mick n cheryl

Here is another one lets keep em flowwing peeps

>
>HOW TO IMPRESS
>
>A WOMAN.
>
>
>
>* Wine her,
>
>* Dine her,
>
>* Call her,
>
>* Hug her,
>
>* Support her,
>
>* Hold her,
>
>* Surprise her,
>
>* Compliment her,
>
>* Smile at her,
>
>* Listen to her,
>
>* Laugh with her,
>
>* Cry with her,
>
>* Romance her,
>
>* Encourage her,
>
>* Believe in her,
>
>* Pray with her,
>
>* Pray for her,
>
>* Cuddle with her,
>
>* Shop with her,
>
>* Give her jewelry,
>
>* Buy her flowers,
>
>* Hold her hand,
>
>* Write love letters to her,
>
>* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
>
>
>
>HOW TO IMPRESS
>
>A MAN
>
>
>
>* Show up naked ...
>
>* Bring food ...
>
>* Don't block the TV

mick n cheryl

AND ANOTHER!!!!

> > Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept
> > the same tag-line...
> >
> >
> > Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
> >
> >
> > Tesco Condoms - every little helps
> >
> >
> > Nike Condoms - Just do it.
> >
> >
> > Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
> >
> >
> > Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
> >
> >
> > KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
> >
> >
> > Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
> >
> >
> > Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
> >
> >
> > Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
> >
> >
> > Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
> >
> >
> > Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
> >
> >
> > Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
> >
> >
> > Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
> >
> >
> > Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
> >
> >
> > **** condoms - no comment required.
> >
> >
> > Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
> >
> >
> > Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
> >
> >
> > Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
> >
> >
> > Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
> >
> >
> > Renault condoms - size really does matter!
> >
> >
> > Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
> >
> >
> > Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
> >
> >
> > Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)
> >
> >
> > Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
> >
> >
> > Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
> >
> >
> > AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
> >
> >
> > Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal
> >
> >
> > Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

wholeworldwindow

if you find one, let me know! That's so me! (odd that is...not stabbing...you guys understand!)

bridiej

pmsl

Thanks guys, I needed the laugh this morning!

amanda76

fab just what the dr ordered

amanda