Friday Funnies
Mar 3rd 2005, 8:11 am
#16
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Friday Funnies
Originally Posted by worzel
I think I am going to love Australia!
Mar 3rd 2005, 8:30 am
#17
Visa Granted-MT Eliza 06
Joined: Feb 2004
Location: Thatcham, Berks
Posts: 141
Re: Friday Funnies
Excellent joke. Here's another.
They say playing Bridge and having sex are very similar. You have to have a partner who knows what they are doing or you have to have a bloody good hand.
They say playing Bridge and having sex are very similar. You have to have a partner who knows what they are doing or you have to have a bloody good hand.
Originally Posted by Bordy
Assertive Womans Conferance.
At the 2004 World Woman's conference the first speaker from Canada stood
up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband
that I
would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But
after
the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb!" The
crowd
cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and
that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that
he
had not only done his own washing but my washing as well!" The crowd
cheered.
The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's conference
ah
went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or
shoppin
and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel. Efter the first day ah saw
nuthin'.
Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'. But efter the third day I could see
a
wee bit oot o ma left eye."
At the 2004 World Woman's conference the first speaker from Canada stood
up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband
that I
would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But
after
the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb!" The
crowd
cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and
that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that
he
had not only done his own washing but my washing as well!" The crowd
cheered.
The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's conference
ah
went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or
shoppin
and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel. Efter the first day ah saw
nuthin'.
Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'. But efter the third day I could see
a
wee bit oot o ma left eye."
Mar 3rd 2005, 9:13 am
#18
GC family day carer
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Pacific Pines
Posts: 2,212
Re: Friday Funnies
True story, had to be American,
>
>Number One Idiot of 2004
>
>I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
>the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
>she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
>the
>ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
>the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
>to
>mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
>the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
>room
>right away.
>
>Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
>
>
>
>Number One Idiot of 2004
>
>I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
>the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
>she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
>the
>ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
>the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
>to
>mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
>the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
>room
>right away.
>
>Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
>
>
Mar 3rd 2005, 9:14 am
#19
GC family day carer
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Pacific Pines
Posts: 2,212
Re: Friday Funnies
And another one,
>Number Four Idiot of 2004
>
>
>A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
>the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
>the
>robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
>shelf.
>He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
>and
>said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was,
>but
>the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
>At
>this point, the robber took
>his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
>looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
>Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
>
>The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
>the
>robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
>later.
>
>
>Number Four Idiot of 2004
>
>
>A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
>the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
>the
>robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
>shelf.
>He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
>and
>said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was,
>but
>the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
>At
>this point, the robber took
>his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
>looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
>Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
>
>The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
>the
>robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
>later.
>
>
Mar 3rd 2005, 10:55 am
#20
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2004
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 386
Re: Friday Funnies
I got this a while ago, and it always makes me laugh. Have a good weekend everyone.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
>out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
>
>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
>What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because ever
>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
>pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true.
>I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
>don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
>
>I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
>X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
>I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
>kidding
>me!" and "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
>section.
>
>I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
>as
>a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
>Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
>Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
>took a huge leap of imagination.
>
>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
>life.
>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
>giggled
>for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
>had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but
>had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come
>back and bark some more.
>
>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>the
>family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
>dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
>HELL is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
>continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
>steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she
>have any teeth?"
>
>Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
>wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang
>on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
>me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
>was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
>talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
>that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
>in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.
>
>I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
>fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
>brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
>her
>napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
>in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
>Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
>decide
>the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
>a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
>drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
>star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
>whenever he can get out of the house.
>
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
>out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
>
>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
>What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because ever
>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
>pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true.
>I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
>don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
>
>I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
>X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
>I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
>kidding
>me!" and "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
>section.
>
>I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
>as
>a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
>Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
>Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
>took a huge leap of imagination.
>
>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
>life.
>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
>giggled
>for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
>had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but
>had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come
>back and bark some more.
>
>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>the
>family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
>dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
>HELL is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
>continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
>steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she
>have any teeth?"
>
>Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
>wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang
>on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
>me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
>was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
>talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
>that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
>in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.
>
>I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
>fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
>brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
>her
>napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
>in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
>Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
>decide
>the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
>a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
>drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
>star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
>whenever he can get out of the house.
>
