Hi

Just out of interest has anyone else on here experienced their family (parents and siblings) be extremely negative when the topic of you potentially moving away was aired?

I honestly didn't expect the degree of comments i.e selfish etc to be voiced.

We have a a young family and yes we would be taking them with us, but its in search of a better life for them and indeed ourselves - its not a dress rehearsal this life is it. I understand its going to be hard for them but it will be for us as well and a bit of support would be appreciated.

Anyways I'm just blowing off here but if anyone has any help on how they handled a similar situation I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

oh my this one is a minefield- & if you do a "search" on this topic you'll find you're far from alone! When to tell...it's a bit like putting your house on the market (have you sold your house yet?" becomes the only subject people focus on) but much more serious, as other people's emotions are involved. They can't bear to think you're willing to leave them; or can't imagine (because they never did it or wanted to) why on earth you'd want to leave in the first place (isn't this country good enough for you) or they just can't handle the thought of you/the children/the grandchildren going because they might never see you or them again/they can't travel that far or it's prohibitively expensive or whatever.
The problem is that all that is true to someone & you're the cause of it all when life was going so smoothly! I don't think there's an answer to it really except reassurance about contact/visits etc. It's a painful element of the whole moving- away thing, but we have to do what we want in this life rather than what others want for us. Difficult one eh

Wife's side of the family played the guilt-card, crying, etc., for a bit, then came round, my side fully supportive form the start.

This one comes up all the time. There are common responses but this is how I see it:

i)It's your life (seriously). Simply put, people have been geographically mobile for generations. It's possible for people to move to Scotland from England, or from one southern county to a northern county and to lose a lot of contact.
ii) It's hard for the family. Be grateful that they want to be close.
iii) It's hard to know why you are moving and they might feel the same way. It's hard for you to see that they are perhaps 'needful'. We don't know the facts here but there might be underlying issues and prior history. If you are escaping, things might not be any better.

If your reasons are sound, and their reasons are not so sound then my rather cynical view is that it is not your problem. If you are part of it, then it is your problem.
Example: if your family have never moved out of their village or town and see you as a life support apparatus it's not really your issue or fault. If you fight with them over stuff you are part of, or even cause, then it is an issue and you need to sort it out. If you sort it out, then you might not want to move after all!

There are loads of stategies you can use here, but most are only really deferring the pain or reducing it.

iv) Caution - some people will tick you off for having the presumption that the move is for the better. My view is that only you can know this, and indeed prove it. It is all completely down to you, circumstance and a degree of luck.

You will have to be quite selfish and very self sufficient to be a successful migrant. If other people's feelings get you down then you will struggle. But, see it from their perspective too, they will grieve for the loss in their life and, in grief, people can be quite irrational and sometimes cruel. For them to survive their feelings about your decision they may well try and distance themselves from you and yours because constant reminders of what they have lost are too painful to contemplate.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing them just considering that you have to have your survival strategies (hard heartedness probably being one of them) and they have to have theirs - there's no right and wrong. Personally I find little satisfaction in Skype and FB - it was a darn sight easier when you weren't constantly picking at the scab of the life you once led and, from their point of view, you can't get a cuddle from a grandchild on Skype. I'm on the other side of the world from mine at the moment and really do find it easier to distance myself emotionally even though I don't have any of the guilt that I have made the move away from them. I'm fortunate that my parents never gave us any grief when we took their only grandchild away and thy chose to make the best of what they had and, similarly I didn't give my son any grief when he decided that UK offered him more with his life than he could get in Aus and my other son didn't give us any grief when we made the move back to UK to care for my aged parents. The only guilting I've had has been from my daughter in law who constantly complains that we are depriving the granddaughters! (Ie we arent there helping her out all he time!)

I don't personally subscribe to the "better life for the kids" cop out that usually fronts any decision to move - own it for what it is, an adult itch for adventure or a better opportunity than you have at the moment. Your kids lives will be different for sure but whether they will be better, isolated from extended family networks, is a moot point (both of my, now adult, sons have spoken of their regret at our little family's isolation!).

Bottom line, it's your life to do with as you choose but don't expect others to feel the same way and don't expect others to do all the travelling to keep in touch with you - you move, if you want to keep in touch that's your responsibility. Time will probably ease their pain but your relationships will probably never be quite the same again.

If you take nothing else away from this thread, listen to Quoll. She's an extremely wise lady.

Quoll has provided some additional examples...
As I said, strategies for reducing or deferring the pain don't always work. Skype can be a load of crock - it's OK but I don't believe in having Jackanory on it. Others use it far happier than me. Personally I use Whatsapp - far easier

It is your life. The question is, if migrating takes self-sufficiency - then whose life comes first, whose selfishness takes precedence; yours or theirs?
It's a hard one.

Another point I would make is that a family can work in an international environment. Half the fun is people visiting each other. We are lucky though in that it's not just one set in the UK and a seperatist contingent in another - the family is equally spread around so there is no real sense of one place being the one. It opens up a lot of opportunities later on.

Hi Damo - you've recieved some great responses and hopefully you'll be reassured by knowing you're not alone.

Just wanted to say hi and congratulate you on your most excellent choice of football team ;-)

My husband and his wife (sadly deceased) moved from Liverpool to Oz in 1990 because they thought it would give their two young lads more opportunities. Husband's family was envious but supportive, his wife's family were really sad but accepting. That made it so much easier for them than 'if you loved us you wouldn't leave us!'. Stay focused on what's right for your immediate family and the very best of luck.

Just want to say thanks to everyone for their responses. It is appreciated a hell of a lot and given us food for thought. Just makes me upset to think how different my wife and I will be when our children tell us they want to move on. We will be the first to buy them a plane ticket a tell them to go and grab life by the balls!

Thanks again all x

You'd like to think that now, and I hope you do, but you might feel a wee bit different when your grand kids are taken away and you are old and grey - hard heartedness is an essential survival strategy for an aspiring migrant! (Even I shed a tear when one of mine left for the other side of the world -for a holiday- and then again when the grand kids went back to Aus and I didn't - never thought I would do that!) Good luck!

(Just had another thought - if it's your siblings giving you a hard time too, their angst probably stems from the fear that care of your parents is going to be dumped totally on them and you jammy buggers will be living it up on the other side of the world without those cares to contend with!)

[QUOTE=Damo-LFC;10685714]Hi


Hi, Firstly let me say Quoll is spot on (as per the norm lol) when we migrated we were really in the dark as such as no internet help etc back then and in some ways I think it was better. I think if I had my time again (and although we have had a great life) I am not so sure I would of gone to Aus for lots of reasons, one of the things I found a bit hard were the Family ties, we remained close by letters then phoning, then computers then Skype etc which are great ways of communication but they do not (for me) count for the times when say at Easter and there were no cousins, Aunts and Uncles etc helping you hunt for eggs, or at a prize giving award at School and there was just Mum and Dad there to see it, or no cups of tea and a chat with someone who really knows you when things are getting to you and now we have returned you cannot get back those times etc but we look forward not backwards. If you really do not mind missing out on that type of "stuff" then go for it and try and ignore the negative feed back from your family. Do your homework, make sure you can afford to go and check work is in good supply.
All the best

quoll, while I think that a lot of what you say is spot on, I don't agree with your point that most people use the reason of a better life for their kids as a cop out. If you live in an economically depressed area with a very high youth unemployment rate, I don't think it's wrong or a cop out to move somewhere where your kids have a much better chance of working in a job they like, or even working full stop. Doing this can be viewed as giving them more choices - they're not kids for long and if they feel a pull to return for family (or any) reasons, they can do that.

While it's certainly a good idea to examine your motives for emigrating, it's less useful to dismiss one motive before you even start.

Sure, but you don't need to move to the other side of the world to do that! And many folk move to a nice scenic area of Aus because it is the Aussie dream - but which has an equally high youth unemployment rate whereas if the moved 50 miles down the toad they might have found far better conditions! Look, if I lived in Bradford, I'd sure as hell be moving out too but I doubt I'd choose the other side of the world if Cambridge gave me better opportunities!

Different strokes I guess. Oz must have looked the better opportunity to my husbands north west blue collar family than the south of England in the late 80s

BUT you dont have to go to the other side of the world to do that....a few of my friends came from.....not so great areas....and with hard work (like most places in the world) they all now have good lives which they are very happy with. I tended to find that "Poms" who still wore their "mother country badges etc" some who had lived longer in their adapoted countries would say.."only came here to bettery myself I am still.............."