Sophie Louise

Around Christmas time I posted a thread about family reactions to the move, as I was having a lot of problems coping with my mother's emotions and behaviours surrounding our move to Brisbane in May. Thought I would post a bit of an update as to how things have developed.

Up and down really.. Everything came to a head at Christmas time, when my mum was her most upset by the shock of us going "this year" as opposed to "next year". After that she calmed down considerably and, while she was still very upset about it, she was able to talk about us going without crying.

Getting the visa seems to have made things a little worse again. When I called her to tell her I'd got it, she was very negative and told me that she simply couldn't bring herself to be happy for me - which I understood.

Since then things are a bit up and down. I've turned into some sort of scary crying person for some reason, as it's hit me that we'll soon be off, and I wish I could talk to my mum about it (I guess everyone needs their mums when they're upset ) but I can't, as she just gets upset too and won't talk about it.

My dad is still being great, and very supportive, but he is not particularly well, and I know this is upsetting him. Went to see my parents today, and my mum asked me why I wasn't myself lately, and why I seemed down. I didn't really want to talk about it, but she was very nice and asked me to tell her - so I said I was sad about the move (as well as excited). She gave me a hug, and then told me she thought our moving was actually making my dad more ill, and that she was worried about him. Not really what I wanted to hear...

So now I'm feeling like complete scum.... I keep getting so excited about it, and then feeling so guilty that my happiness comes at the cost of my parents...

Fairly depressing post - I know. Just hope it gets easier for everyone once we're out there. I hate the thought of hurting my parents like this - and the nicer my dad's being about it all the worse I feel... Poor boyfriend has been a regular shoulder to cry on lately - think he's looking forward to actually making the move and getting on with it all!

Sophie

DIMO8

You are so like me Sophie....i cant believe how much.

I am going through the exact same thing....i just dont talk about it to Mum anymore and that way no-one gets upset. My sister tells me all the time that my Mum is on the phone crying to her saying that she feels as though she wont beable to cope with losing me and her grand children.

I feel like scum too... ...but it's MY dream. I dont want to have any regrets when i am older because if i know what i am like i most certainly will.

Your Mum and mine will be fine after a couple of weeks once we have gone....well thats what i keep telling myself

good luck and keep us updated how you get on. If you ever feel like talking you can always PM me.
Donna x

fraser

I really feel for you and for what It's worth I think it's a terrible thing your mum has said to you and no way should you feel like scum for trying to live out your dreams.

karma on it's way

moneypenny20

[QUOTE=Sophie Louiseshe was very nice and asked me to tell her - so I said I was sad about the move (as well as excited). She gave me a hug, and then told me she thought our moving was actually making my dad more ill, and that she was worried about him. Not really what I wanted to hear...[/QUOTE]


Sorry but that is well out of order. Yes she can be upset and not want you to go for selfish reasons but to put that sort of rubbish in your head is really wrong.

When I read posts like this, I am actually quite relieved that I have a rubbish relationship with my mother. She is the last person I would go to if upset so can't see me missing her.

I would sit your mother down and (not letting her speak until you finish) tell her exactly why you are going, where, what your hopes are and how much pressure she is putting on you and that it won't stop you going but it will make you want to get away quicker.

I know it will hurt but she might just stop and think for a minute and realise that she has done a good job bringing you up and be proud of you for making the move.

Chris Mitchell

Sophie I really feel for you its so sad that your Mum cannot be happy for you, but I am sure she'll adjust. Give her time. For what its worth my eldest went to Florence for 3 months and whilst I wanted him to go and have a great time- I didnt get chance to do those things when I was his age- it hurt like hell, he was/is my baby son - .... altho' hes a foot taller than me now...I felt like someone had died kept bursting into tears ...looked for him ..really bizarre but he went with my blessing and had a fab time .


I guess my thoughts to you are she's your mum Ihope she rallies for you, but Dads are great but dont under estimate how he feels.

Its hard for everyone but hopefully they'll visit you in your new home and when they see how happy you are they'll understand.

you have to do whats right for for you,

best wishes and karma

Chris

lynnlovessun

Yeah I think your mum is being very manipulative, particularily suggesting you are making your dad more ill. I think she has spotted that you are closer to your dad and see's that as a way to make you change your mind.
My mum is very sad that we are going but also positive and supportive of our move. Deep down she knows the opportunities are huge for us and she only wants the best for her daughter. My dad died when I was 12 so this has been extra hard for me (although my mum does have a serious partner now to look after her when i'm away). As we are not planning to go until November I have a feeling the worst might still be to come ie. when the visa's are granted. My mum has surprised me though as i've overheard her defending our decision to go to other people who put their two tuppance in like 'how could she go all the way to the other side of the world and leave you'. Its very difficult but I do maintain that a good mother/ daughter relationship can be maintained from Australia - you can pick the phone up at anytime - I have watched my aunt-in law and my grandmother in law continue a great relationship between Brisbane and Glasgow.

I do think also that you have to sit down with your mum and talk things over with her - she needs to realise that this is not some sort of whim but a dream and she should be supporting your decision no matter how hard it is.

Best of luck Sophie but remember to keep following your dream
Lynn

wsbtroyno21

Hi Sophie

I know exactly how you feel. My mum is a widow and lives on her own. She is diabetic and has angina but is otherwise healthy and still leads a fairly active life. I have a brother and sister who both live close to my mum but she sees more of me and depends on me any time she needs help. She refuses to talk about our plans to emigrate and changes the subject as soon as the word "Australia" is even mentioned !! I think she looks on Jim as the evil boyfriend who is stealing her daughter away from her.

Obviously I will miss her and worry about her but I have my own life to lead and I am going to Australia with or without her blessing. I wish she could be happy for me and I would rather part on good terms but that is for her to decide. I have even suggested that she could come and stay with us in Australia for a few weeks on holiday - but all we get is "you won't get me on a plane" - it is soooooo frustrating.

Like you, I get down too and if it wasn't for Jim being so supportive I think I would have cracked up by now. The stress of applying for a Visa is bad enough to cope with, nevermind the added stress of parents who don't understand (or support) our dreams.

So don't give up on your dream - try to think positively. Your parents will come to terms with it eventually. Just keep focussing on your new life in Oz.

Take care and remember you are not alone

Wendy

hooperhome

Hi there Sophie

I have a similar family situation. At first my mum was...or seemed to be really pleased for us. She said it would be wonderful for the children. She is quite anti-England at the moment. I think she has had visions of retiring in Spain some day. My youngest sister was the one who had the biggest problem and I think my mum took it upon herself to console my youngest sister who could not see why we would want to move away. We do have quite a close family.

Now my brother has himself tried the assessment test for Australia but alas could not score enough points.

My other sister will be moving abroad in the next couple of years, probably Australia if we get there!

My dad would never hold us back but really doesn't understand why we want to go when we have everything that everybody else wants. He sees the big house, 3 brand new cars and a thriving business. However he does not see what we have to do to maintain these materialistic items. The children hardly ever see their dad because he works late, goes in early and works weekends. We also juggle the finances like he wouldn't believe because that's business. What we bring in mostly has to go back out to keep the business running. We also have a good marriage and 3 wonderful children. In his eyes we are a success already.

When I told my mum that we had the 'Yes' from the TRA, she didn't even say anything which I thought was quite rude at first. But then heard that she had made comments to my nan about the grandchildren going away. I sort of got the feeling that although she is pleased for us she is trying not to let us see that she is quite sad about us going. Normal feelings, I should allow for that. I have since sat down with her and showed her the letter from TRA and some books that we had been reading about the country. Every time she changed the subject I got back on to it, until I was assured in myself that she must accept that we ARE going. Now since seeing a lot more of Australia, Perth mainly, on TV I think she would be quite happy to move over there at some point She knows deep down that we are doing the right thing.

My youngest sister is now pregnant, first child. What fantastic timing! She is now somewhat pre-occupied. She has doted on my 3 girls for years longing for a family of her own. I do feel this was so meant to be.

My sister is so special to me and I have felt terrible for what I have been doing to her emotionally. We have clashed so many times about the subject that we try to ignore it for now. I am sure in time when she has her little family she will understand why I did what I did for my little family.

Signed....desperate to go
Theresa

louise

I really wish I hadn't read this thread today, we are planning to tell my parents tonight, now I'm all mixed up again. I know that they need to be told but I am worried that I may be telling them something that will ruin the rest of their lives

hooperhome

Basically I told my mum that in 10 years time I did not want to say 'I wish I had!'

One advantage that I also have is that we moved to South Africa in 1973, stayed there for nearly 5 years and came back to England. My mum could not settle and so we went back to South Africa again in 1982. I returned without parents in Aug 84 and they followed just over a year later.

So you see, they took the grandchildren away TWICE !!! They have been in my situation themselves. They know the reasons why people up sticks thousands of miles away and they have probably had many negative comments thrown at them when they did it.

My mum has said she doesn't want us to go but cannot see much of a future here for the children. Mostly concerns about drugs, lack of respect, intimidation, wanting everything immediately without working for it.

Family life as we used to know it is no longer with us. We need a change of lifestyle and I think Australia can give us more of that, most importantly while the children ARE still children.

Theresa

aussiesoon

I'm in a similar situation. We told my mum as soon as we started the process - Sept 03. Since then we have had tears whenever Oz is mentioned and she has told us that she will never get on a flight. Every time we have extra news I want her to know first, as it seems only fair, but every time she puts a dampener on it.

Anyway we are booked to fly on tues 22nd March, so next w/e is the leaving do. I'm not sure what will happen and how obviously upset she will be. One thing is for sure - we'll have to mention Australia during the event (unlike Christmas when it was a banned word!).

Hope it works out for you all!

Rachel.

joh117

I also had a similar situation I remember telling Mum we had the visas (I was so excited) Mum's reaction was well I'm not happy and it was like deflating a balloon.

Anyway my reason for posting is we have been left the UK since Nov 03 and been in Oz since Feb 04 so it has been 16months since I said the awful goodbyes.

Me and Mum speak every week (it gets easier over time now we look forward to the conversations and there are no longer tears from either side) usually on a weekend but occasionally we get chance for a 5 min conversation before either I or she goes off to work if its something important. I am 7 months pregnant and she is taking this in her stride and I think the only comment from Mum was Your holidays over now its time to come home. To which I laughed and said that is not on the books right now. This gave her a glimmer of hope as I said not right now. But then who knows what the future holds. We are very happy and settled here in Oz but when the baby comes maybe we will want to be near family. I have no idea how we will feel.

But back to my point. Your mum will come round. I am sure of it. Mine did and she can be very stubborn. She says it costs her about 7 pound a month for 4 hour conversations by telephone which is not expensive in her eyes.

She has also said that the time has flown by. I do remember a comment on how she missed us at Xmas but we have not spent Xmas in the UK for the past 5 years as we always went abroad.

Mum arrives here next Sat morning with her hubby and my Nan and I am sooo looking forward to seeing them and showing them Oz. Then mum is back in July after the birth of our baby.

I hope things work out for you and I only have to worry about the saying goodbyes when mum and nan go home.

Jo

artep

I know it sounds awful to say....but Im glad I'm not the only one with parents who make them feel like they're comitting the worst sin known to man.

I've lost count of the amount of times I've had my mother on the phone to me in tears....saying 'do you HAVE to go??? (we fly in 4 weeks) & me replying 'well yes mum we do.....its something we've been planning for the last 3 years!!!!' 'It may not be forever...who knows it may go t*ts up and we'll end up coming back but we'll be giving it our best shot'

I know if my kids decided in years to come that they'd like to try living on the other side of the planet I'd be sad...but there's NO WAY I'd ever give them the massive guilt trip my parents are giving me.

We visit mine + hubbys parents for the last time at Easter.... christ thats gonna be a hard one..someone get me a gun..

fraser

For you or your parents

artep

Both Awful for me as I feel so guilty....but also terrible for my parents as they can't afford the flight over to see us....so think 'this is it'.....forever .........we're not likely to fly back for a holiday all together either. My eldest is almost 15 and holidays with his parents will soon be a thing of the past. So either we pay for my parents to come over or 'that's it'

Petra........on a major guilt trip