The ex......he says no!!!!
May 20th 2004, 6:07 pm
#76
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: Brisbane - Thornlands
Posts: 385
I first read this thread some time ago and decided not to contribute as it was sooooo emotive and hit a few sensitive points for me.
Having returned to it I now feel I can.
I am in the position of being able to see both sides as they both apply to me.
Firstly I was married many years ago and that marriage broke down after we moved house and doubled our mortgage. After two weeks in the new house my husband at the time left me with three children. Don't think he like the carpets or something (or maybe it was me!)
Anyway shortly after this he left the UK for the Canary Islands to live and work with his mother who was in business out there. I did not have any choice in this, I was left to cope alone without the support of the other parent. He did contribute in financial terms, but even this was irregular and a worry to me.
About five years ago I met my husband (I have now remarried), he had two daughters who spent most of their time with him, (They only stayed with their mother three nights a week so that she could lead the single life she seemed to crave) So we became the Brandy Bunch, extended my house by two bedrooms and bought a people carrier. They girls stayed with us and they had their own rooms and clothes etc. They would be dropped off practically in their underware, so we had EVERYTHING they needed at our home.
Things were really tight and having a family of 7 most of the week was hard. We were constantly being investigated by the CSA who really need to be educated in how to treat the men they call "ABSENT PARENTS". They would insist on calling my husband this, who understandibly would get so upset that in the end we could really only communicate with them in writting. Thing is we cooperated with them completely and NEVER got in arreas giving them ALL the info they asked for included everything about me.
(Just a point to add here, we asked under the data protection act for all the info they had on him. This arrived in reems and reems of paper and did not fairly or accurately give an account of the communication with them. It made my husband look like a complete thug, with manuscrips of phone calls full of the operators opinion and lack of experience. They had only recorded on his file the bad things and not call where things had been resolved.)
So we were advised by the CSA and our solicitor to apply for at least a joint residency order, which we did. Her knee jerk reaction was to become really unresonable about everything and consequently put her daughters through an emotional hell. I tried to limit the damage but I fear they have become very affected by this.
I'm trying not to make this a novel but its a very involved story -
She has now remarried and moved to Cornwall. Hundreds of miles away from us and certainly not a round trip! When we eventually heard of her plans (she made her children keep this from us for over six months) we invited them round in order to discuss it. We recieved bullying letters from her solicitor asking us not to appraoch the children about this etc. etc.
We are now in a position where she obstructs all communication with the children. She promised us that they would be coming back to us every four weeks. This NEVER happenned! We can never get through on the phone. We send Birthday cards and they are hidden from the girls and given later so it appears like we haven't bothered etc. etc.
We have spent thousands of £'s on solicitors fees and really at the end of the day it has got us nowhere!
A large part of this influenced our decision to go and you may think that we've given in, even our solicitor can help us no more! My husbands oldest daughter refused any contact with him before they even knew about Oz, she is so angry and out of control with a very disturbed mother. We contacted social services as we were so worried. They totally took the mothers side, who is very manipulative and capable of putting on her "Mother earth act".
So here I am thinking are we doing the right thing leaving these two girls? However, their mother can up and go and we have no say. My childrens father can decide to opt out of his role as parent and not be there for his children.
I haven't answered any questions in this thread, but maybe have highlighted the fact that we all do what we do at the time because we think its right. However I could have not thought of immergration so that my x-husband could maintain a relationship with his children and he's ended up going anyway. No-one knows whats round the corner. He did come back about five years ago and remarry, last week he left again for the Canary's with the children so upset that he couldn't wait for us to leave later in the year.
To all those facing a decision like this - good luck my heart goes out to you.
Tracey.
Sorry for such a long post.
Having returned to it I now feel I can.
I am in the position of being able to see both sides as they both apply to me.
Firstly I was married many years ago and that marriage broke down after we moved house and doubled our mortgage. After two weeks in the new house my husband at the time left me with three children. Don't think he like the carpets or something (or maybe it was me!)
Anyway shortly after this he left the UK for the Canary Islands to live and work with his mother who was in business out there. I did not have any choice in this, I was left to cope alone without the support of the other parent. He did contribute in financial terms, but even this was irregular and a worry to me.
About five years ago I met my husband (I have now remarried), he had two daughters who spent most of their time with him, (They only stayed with their mother three nights a week so that she could lead the single life she seemed to crave) So we became the Brandy Bunch, extended my house by two bedrooms and bought a people carrier. They girls stayed with us and they had their own rooms and clothes etc. They would be dropped off practically in their underware, so we had EVERYTHING they needed at our home.
Things were really tight and having a family of 7 most of the week was hard. We were constantly being investigated by the CSA who really need to be educated in how to treat the men they call "ABSENT PARENTS". They would insist on calling my husband this, who understandibly would get so upset that in the end we could really only communicate with them in writting. Thing is we cooperated with them completely and NEVER got in arreas giving them ALL the info they asked for included everything about me.
(Just a point to add here, we asked under the data protection act for all the info they had on him. This arrived in reems and reems of paper and did not fairly or accurately give an account of the communication with them. It made my husband look like a complete thug, with manuscrips of phone calls full of the operators opinion and lack of experience. They had only recorded on his file the bad things and not call where things had been resolved.)
So we were advised by the CSA and our solicitor to apply for at least a joint residency order, which we did. Her knee jerk reaction was to become really unresonable about everything and consequently put her daughters through an emotional hell. I tried to limit the damage but I fear they have become very affected by this.
I'm trying not to make this a novel but its a very involved story -
She has now remarried and moved to Cornwall. Hundreds of miles away from us and certainly not a round trip! When we eventually heard of her plans (she made her children keep this from us for over six months) we invited them round in order to discuss it. We recieved bullying letters from her solicitor asking us not to appraoch the children about this etc. etc.
We are now in a position where she obstructs all communication with the children. She promised us that they would be coming back to us every four weeks. This NEVER happenned! We can never get through on the phone. We send Birthday cards and they are hidden from the girls and given later so it appears like we haven't bothered etc. etc.
We have spent thousands of £'s on solicitors fees and really at the end of the day it has got us nowhere!
A large part of this influenced our decision to go and you may think that we've given in, even our solicitor can help us no more! My husbands oldest daughter refused any contact with him before they even knew about Oz, she is so angry and out of control with a very disturbed mother. We contacted social services as we were so worried. They totally took the mothers side, who is very manipulative and capable of putting on her "Mother earth act".
So here I am thinking are we doing the right thing leaving these two girls? However, their mother can up and go and we have no say. My childrens father can decide to opt out of his role as parent and not be there for his children.
I haven't answered any questions in this thread, but maybe have highlighted the fact that we all do what we do at the time because we think its right. However I could have not thought of immergration so that my x-husband could maintain a relationship with his children and he's ended up going anyway. No-one knows whats round the corner. He did come back about five years ago and remarry, last week he left again for the Canary's with the children so upset that he couldn't wait for us to leave later in the year.
To all those facing a decision like this - good luck my heart goes out to you.
Tracey.
Sorry for such a long post.
May 21st 2004, 12:36 pm
#77
Bite my shiny metal ass!
Joined: May 2004
Location: Surrey UK
Posts: 73
Originally posted by jana1
Can I ask all your opinions on my situation?
A few years ago I worked in Aus for a year and decided that I wanted to live there. I came back to the UK to finish my studying and I now have enough points.
I now also have a wonderful 3 year old daughter - When she was born her father did not want anything to do with her and refused to go on the birth certificate (don't think I am going to have problems with the visa as we where not married)
last year I (VERY STUPIDLY) went to the CSA and he now pays maintance, but has since made MY life HELL and is being really horrible (even telling my daughter that it was my fault he did not see her)
He now (since I went to the CSA) speaks to my daughter 3 times a week on the phone and visits occasionally (about once a month). He says he would visit more often if I let him take her out for the day - I have refused on the basis that she has to get to know him first (and I don't trust him)
My daughter loves him and loves speaking to him on the phone and loves seeing him when he visits.
I am three months into my skills assessment - should I stay or go?
Can I ask all your opinions on my situation?
A few years ago I worked in Aus for a year and decided that I wanted to live there. I came back to the UK to finish my studying and I now have enough points.
I now also have a wonderful 3 year old daughter - When she was born her father did not want anything to do with her and refused to go on the birth certificate (don't think I am going to have problems with the visa as we where not married)
last year I (VERY STUPIDLY) went to the CSA and he now pays maintance, but has since made MY life HELL and is being really horrible (even telling my daughter that it was my fault he did not see her)
He now (since I went to the CSA) speaks to my daughter 3 times a week on the phone and visits occasionally (about once a month). He says he would visit more often if I let him take her out for the day - I have refused on the basis that she has to get to know him first (and I don't trust him)
My daughter loves him and loves speaking to him on the phone and loves seeing him when he visits.
I am three months into my skills assessment - should I stay or go?
I'm a strong advocate of father's rights and if he'd had a strong relationship with her from the start it would be different, but he sounds as if he'd pretty much given up on those rights - and on all of his responsibilities too. Maybe he now feels that he should 'get his money's worth' or something. If you do go to Oz, will he have to keep paying child maintenance?
Best of luck whatever your choice.
