The ex......he says no!!!!
Apr 25th 2004, 9:46 pm
#46
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 3
My ex also says no
Originally posted by krissy
Actually when i first mentioned it to him he was in the first flush of lurrrve with his new wife, who was pregnant at the time. He actually seemed quite open to the idea and i told him he would have to sign something to confirm this and he seemed very OK about it. Obviously he had months to think about, and when i asked him again is when he ummed and ahhhed.
We have looked into this very thoroughly and my husband has a job waiting for him as soon as we could get out there. We have a formal contract of employment pending a favourable visa outcome. His skills are in demand and we also have State Nomination to Victoria.
I have 2 children (one from my new marriage) and would not expect my ex husband to even consider letting his child go if i couldn't prove i had researched as fully as one can before asking him.
You are right Simone, we don't know if life will be better in Australia, however if people went through life with that attitude then no one would do anything. We believe it would be a better life, why else would we be bothering, it's a hell of a lot of money hassle and paperwork to do on a foolish whim.....call me blinkered.......i prefer cautiously optimistic.
Kris
Actually when i first mentioned it to him he was in the first flush of lurrrve with his new wife, who was pregnant at the time. He actually seemed quite open to the idea and i told him he would have to sign something to confirm this and he seemed very OK about it. Obviously he had months to think about, and when i asked him again is when he ummed and ahhhed.
We have looked into this very thoroughly and my husband has a job waiting for him as soon as we could get out there. We have a formal contract of employment pending a favourable visa outcome. His skills are in demand and we also have State Nomination to Victoria.
I have 2 children (one from my new marriage) and would not expect my ex husband to even consider letting his child go if i couldn't prove i had researched as fully as one can before asking him.
You are right Simone, we don't know if life will be better in Australia, however if people went through life with that attitude then no one would do anything. We believe it would be a better life, why else would we be bothering, it's a hell of a lot of money hassle and paperwork to do on a foolish whim.....call me blinkered.......i prefer cautiously optimistic.
Kris
I am in the same situation as yourself, my ex has said that he does not want his son to move to Austrailia and that he feels he will be giving him up if he signs the form to go. I do not want to pursue this through the court as at present we have an amicable relationship and my son sees him every week. Like yourself I appreciate how he must feel that I want to move his son to the other side of the world but I would do my utmost to maintain the relationship as much as I can.
I am married now and have another child also, so there is also their lives involved as well. I have said to my ex that he can use the maintenance he pays to get himself flights, we will get a web cam for ourselves and him so they could speak all the time, and we would fly my son back at regular intervals. My sons father is a good father, and I would never say otherwise but as you said
if you never take a chance you will never gain.
I also have first hand experiance of being the child who is removed from the parent. When I was 7 my Mum and Step Father moved to Holland, I admit that of course I missed my Father but we had regular phone calls and I visited once a year and the relationship was not damaged. I very much enjoyed the experiance of living in another country and would not be the person I am now if I had not been given that opportunity.
Anyway would just like to know how you are proceeding with this problem as last thing I want is this to end up in court. Do plan to discuss this with my ex again but needless to say am a little bit gutted.
Debbie
Apr 25th 2004, 11:53 pm
#47
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Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
Originally posted by bettytweena
Unfortunately, marriages/ relationships sometimes don't work out as planned.....................but, ultimately, everyone should have choices.......it appears that Krissy's choices have been withdrawn, as have those of her current partner and their child..........
There is no easy (or right) answer in the circumstances, however, I am sure that Krissy wants the best for BOTH her children.
Unfortunately, marriages/ relationships sometimes don't work out as planned.....................but, ultimately, everyone should have choices.......it appears that Krissy's choices have been withdrawn, as have those of her current partner and their child..........
There is no easy (or right) answer in the circumstances, however, I am sure that Krissy wants the best for BOTH her children.
When someone starts a relationship with a new partner who already has children to someone else, they are making the choice there and then to adapt their life to that situation. If the father of their first child becames an inconvenience, tough!
I'm not referring to Krissy here, cos she seems to have her head screwed on, and I wish her nothing but luck.
Apr 25th 2004, 11:54 pm
#48
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Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
Originally posted by WheelsOfSteel
Gary2Rep: Utter bullshit! I hope your children don't end up as selfish as you clearly are!
For what it is worth I agree with loose on his first post.
You made the decision to have the child, so now you must live with the consequences. We don't live in utopia and have to accept the implications of earlier decisions we make.
Whats so wrong with England anyway. (Don't answer, it is retorical). Any problems one may have won't be solved by good weather and nice beaches...
Gary2Rep: Utter bullshit! I hope your children don't end up as selfish as you clearly are!
For what it is worth I agree with loose on his first post.
You made the decision to have the child, so now you must live with the consequences. We don't live in utopia and have to accept the implications of earlier decisions we make.
Whats so wrong with England anyway. (Don't answer, it is retorical). Any problems one may have won't be solved by good weather and nice beaches...
May 18th 2004, 2:07 am
#49
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Joined: May 2004
Location: Termite Country (Tanah Merah)
Posts: 1,372
Krissy - tough break!
The decision you have is tough.
Not sure if my situation will help anyone or if anyone can help me as it is somewhat unique but of a very similar nature.
6 years ago, my ex gave me my daughter (now 13 years) and kept my son (now 11 years) as she did not want her (the Courts allowed this) and I live in S. Ireland while she lives in London. Initially there was contact 4 times a year but my ex no longer wanted any contact and for 3.5 years there has been none apart from fortnightly phone calls.
I have remarried and have two more kids with new wife (3 & 7 years).
I am an Ex PR (single & >10 yrs ago) and have a job offer in Brisbane.
For a new visa (my PR lasped), I thought the legal papers showing that my first daughter can live with me in any country I want would be sufficient but OH NO - the austrlain authorities want it to STATE Australia as my ex may not have "given" me my daughter if she knew I was going to Oz. I suppose they have a point - kind of!
Anyway, in the middle of a lengthy Court battle, nearly one year and £10k down the road as she refuses to give permission. The Courts are being reasonable and suggesting that I pay for my ex and son to come to Oz once a year at my expense and my daughter and I go to London once a year at my expense (both 2 weeks) they will "allow".
Not sure if I can afford that or want to take my kids out of school for these trips as school hols do not coincide.
Very messy, very expensive and my ex who could not be bothered to see the kids in Ireland now wants to in Australia.
Not sure if this will help you as your ex sounds sane. My situation is chronic!
any advise??
Andrew
The decision you have is tough.
Not sure if my situation will help anyone or if anyone can help me as it is somewhat unique but of a very similar nature.
6 years ago, my ex gave me my daughter (now 13 years) and kept my son (now 11 years) as she did not want her (the Courts allowed this) and I live in S. Ireland while she lives in London. Initially there was contact 4 times a year but my ex no longer wanted any contact and for 3.5 years there has been none apart from fortnightly phone calls.
I have remarried and have two more kids with new wife (3 & 7 years).
I am an Ex PR (single & >10 yrs ago) and have a job offer in Brisbane.
For a new visa (my PR lasped), I thought the legal papers showing that my first daughter can live with me in any country I want would be sufficient but OH NO - the austrlain authorities want it to STATE Australia as my ex may not have "given" me my daughter if she knew I was going to Oz. I suppose they have a point - kind of!
Anyway, in the middle of a lengthy Court battle, nearly one year and £10k down the road as she refuses to give permission. The Courts are being reasonable and suggesting that I pay for my ex and son to come to Oz once a year at my expense and my daughter and I go to London once a year at my expense (both 2 weeks) they will "allow".
Not sure if I can afford that or want to take my kids out of school for these trips as school hols do not coincide.
Very messy, very expensive and my ex who could not be bothered to see the kids in Ireland now wants to in Australia.
Not sure if this will help you as your ex sounds sane. My situation is chronic!
any advise??
Andrew
May 18th 2004, 2:17 am
#50
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 283
Re: The ex......he says no!!!!
Originally posted by krissy
Well, my ex has decided that he won't give me permission to take our son to Oz with us.
So, basically this means that he has made a decision that effects all of us. My new husband and i have a son together too, so his decision is affecting a child that isn't even his!
We decided to ask him before we spent any more money on the application etc.
Any advice or numbers of good hitmen???
Kris
Well, my ex has decided that he won't give me permission to take our son to Oz with us.
So, basically this means that he has made a decision that effects all of us. My new husband and i have a son together too, so his decision is affecting a child that isn't even his!
We decided to ask him before we spent any more money on the application etc.
Any advice or numbers of good hitmen???
Kris
It's his choice. Emmigration would effectively mean that he would not see his son again so surprisingly it's understandable. And with reference to your comment "My new husband and i have a son together too, so his decision is affecting a child that isn't even his!" Like you say "its not his child"......... so why should he care?!?
May 18th 2004, 2:36 am
#51
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 283
Originally posted by krissy
Hiya again all,
The situation is basically this,
Callum is 4 and he sees his father and paternal grandparents auntie and cousin every weekend. As far as that goes he is close to his father and other relatives. I fully understand his position, and both myself and my husband said that we would probably have felt the same put in the same situation.
He is however having probs in his own new marriage and has just had a child with his new wife. This i imagine wont help things for him, he will be feeling very unsure about his future generally.
I don't want to drag him through court as i feel it would turn into a slanging match and i know what solicitors are like, one will make out i'm a bad mother and the other will make out he's a bad father.....etc. The animosity that would result would be unbearable for all of us. This is why we asked him to do the affidavit. However he has made his decision based not just on what he feels but also how it would affect his parents and other family members not having Callum with them here(totally understandable).
The annoying thing about it all is that his decision regarding his son actually affects all of us not just Callum. Our future in his hands, as it were.
I don't think that the fathers should be painted as the bad guys, they have rights too. If he was an absent parent, basic waste of space etc i would be a hell of a lot more upset than i am now, however he's a good dad and i have given him ample time to mull it over. I told him at Christmas what our plans were. I didn't push him for a decision.
My hubby has a job offer and we have got State Nomination to Victoria, we have looked at housing and the rest we would have looked into further into the application process....schools etc once we knew which area we would be living in.
We aren't doing this on a whim, i have two small children to consider and have thought it over carefully.
Well, dream over really.......just annoys me that one person has that power.
Kris
Hiya again all,
The situation is basically this,
Callum is 4 and he sees his father and paternal grandparents auntie and cousin every weekend. As far as that goes he is close to his father and other relatives. I fully understand his position, and both myself and my husband said that we would probably have felt the same put in the same situation.
He is however having probs in his own new marriage and has just had a child with his new wife. This i imagine wont help things for him, he will be feeling very unsure about his future generally.
I don't want to drag him through court as i feel it would turn into a slanging match and i know what solicitors are like, one will make out i'm a bad mother and the other will make out he's a bad father.....etc. The animosity that would result would be unbearable for all of us. This is why we asked him to do the affidavit. However he has made his decision based not just on what he feels but also how it would affect his parents and other family members not having Callum with them here(totally understandable).
The annoying thing about it all is that his decision regarding his son actually affects all of us not just Callum. Our future in his hands, as it were.
I don't think that the fathers should be painted as the bad guys, they have rights too. If he was an absent parent, basic waste of space etc i would be a hell of a lot more upset than i am now, however he's a good dad and i have given him ample time to mull it over. I told him at Christmas what our plans were. I didn't push him for a decision.
My hubby has a job offer and we have got State Nomination to Victoria, we have looked at housing and the rest we would have looked into further into the application process....schools etc once we knew which area we would be living in.
We aren't doing this on a whim, i have two small children to consider and have thought it over carefully.
Well, dream over really.......just annoys me that one person has that power.
Kris
Sorry couldn't help replying again. Your comment:
"The annoying thing about it all is that his decision regarding his son actually affects all of us not just Callum. Our future in his hands, as it were"
Haven't you thought that it is your decision, not his, that is affecting the whole of your family (including your son's auntie, cousin and grandparents) as you are the one wishing to emmigrate.
Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it
May 18th 2004, 2:49 am
#52
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2004
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 284
I guess that the decision is still with you...you have to decide whether you want to be on the other side of the world from your son. If your ex won't give up his rights and you still want to go, then I guess you will have to give up yours
May 18th 2004, 3:23 am
#53
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 283
Originally posted by krissy
Just for the record....i don't think my ex husband is being selfish.
I think people reading this thread are too willing to jump on their high horses.
I am pissed off.....we had plans for ourselves, they have now been scuppered.
I think i have very right to be a little miffed.
My ex is the father of my child and therefore has all the same rights I have.
I had to ask his permission....he said no.
I respect that decision, however i don't have to like the knock on effect it has.
And i say again.......if i was in his position i probably would be very reticent to let my child travel half way round the world to live. Some people on here seem to think i have not put myself in his place.
I really am getting annoyed by posters who seem to think i am some Oz obsessed wannabee expat who wants to tear her son away from his father with no thought to how anyone feels. You're wrong, I'm not even taking him to court.
Just for the record....i don't think my ex husband is being selfish.
I think people reading this thread are too willing to jump on their high horses.
I am pissed off.....we had plans for ourselves, they have now been scuppered.
I think i have very right to be a little miffed.
My ex is the father of my child and therefore has all the same rights I have.
I had to ask his permission....he said no.
I respect that decision, however i don't have to like the knock on effect it has.
And i say again.......if i was in his position i probably would be very reticent to let my child travel half way round the world to live. Some people on here seem to think i have not put myself in his place.
I really am getting annoyed by posters who seem to think i am some Oz obsessed wannabee expat who wants to tear her son away from his father with no thought to how anyone feels. You're wrong, I'm not even taking him to court.
OK. So your not as you put it an "Oz obsessed wannabee expat who wants to tear her son away from his father with no thought to how anyone feels". In that case yes, I guess you do have the right to feel disappointed, but not at your ex. Isn't the disappointment of not being able to emmigrate the price you pay for being a responsible parent? You could always emmigrate to Oz without your son if it meant that much to you.
May 18th 2004, 4:36 am
#54
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: arbroath
Posts: 74
Hi there, we have just gone through this with my partners ex, (now comes the bluffing) ask your child what they want to do stay with dad or go with the family to oz, it got to the stage of my stepdaughter packing her suitcase, but she finally gave in, her dads bottle went when you tell him that the child will have to stay with him from NOW as your going to go anyway and you dont want the child to stay with you until you leave, takes lots of determination from your part but in our case worked well ( he is a junkie and cant look after himself nevermind a moody 9 year old!! LOL)
But only you know how this action will turn out
Brian
But only you know how this action will turn out
Brian
May 18th 2004, 5:48 am
#55
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: toronto
Posts: 56
I feel sooooo sorry for you. Here's our story... We have been living in Canada for the last 10 years. I am Canadian and my husband (oups must be on the wrong site here cuz it says british expats!!!!). My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship in Germany. She is now 13. His ex makes babies for a living. She has 4 from 4 different fathers. No I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of the mother here. There is hardly any contact between my husband and his daughter. The mother makes it almost impossible. We do pay generous monthly child payment. Now here's the catch! Yesterday we got our meds and police clearance requests. DIMIA wants my stepdaughter to undergo the medicals even though we have NO intention of taking her with us to Australia. There is no way the EX will allow her daughter to undergo the medicals. She would have to pick up the phone first which she refuses to do. What I didn't mention is that my stepdaughter is mentally challenged. She was born prematurely. Long story. I am wondering what are chances are now..... Good luck and keep us all posted on this one!
Chantale
Chantale
May 18th 2004, 6:14 am
#56
Forum Regular
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 183
the ex says no
hi i think that you have to do what is right for your family & child. You have to think closely & assess the whole thing & there are no guarentees.
God luck to everyone dolly
God luck to everyone dolly
May 18th 2004, 9:33 am
#57
Just Joined
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 9
Originally posted by krissy
Hiya again all,
The situation is basically this,
Callum is 4 and he sees his father and paternal grandparents auntie and cousin every weekend. As far as that goes he is close to his father and other relatives. I fully understand his position, and both myself and my husband said that we would probably have felt the same put in the same situation.
He is however having probs in his own new marriage and has just had a child with his new wife. This i imagine wont help things for him, he will be feeling very unsure about his future generally.
I don't want to drag him through court as i feel it would turn into a slanging match and i know what solicitors are like, one will make out i'm a bad mother and the other will make out he's a bad father.....etc. The animosity that would result would be unbearable for all of us. This is why we asked him to do the affidavit. However he has made his decision based not just on what he feels but also how it would affect his parents and other family members not having Callum with them here(totally understandable).
The annoying thing about it all is that his decision regarding his son actually affects all of us not just Callum. Our future in his hands, as it were.
I don't think that the fathers should be painted as the bad guys, they have rights too. If he was an absent parent, basic waste of space etc i would be a hell of a lot more upset than i am now, however he's a good dad and i have given him ample time to mull it over. I told him at Christmas what our plans were. I didn't push him for a decision.
My hubby has a job offer and we have got State Nomination to Victoria, we have looked at housing and the rest we would have looked into further into the application process....schools etc once we knew which area we would be living in.
We aren't doing this on a whim, i have two small children to consider and have thought it over carefully.
Well, dream over really.......just annoys me that one person has that power.
Kris
Hiya again all,
The situation is basically this,
Callum is 4 and he sees his father and paternal grandparents auntie and cousin every weekend. As far as that goes he is close to his father and other relatives. I fully understand his position, and both myself and my husband said that we would probably have felt the same put in the same situation.
He is however having probs in his own new marriage and has just had a child with his new wife. This i imagine wont help things for him, he will be feeling very unsure about his future generally.
I don't want to drag him through court as i feel it would turn into a slanging match and i know what solicitors are like, one will make out i'm a bad mother and the other will make out he's a bad father.....etc. The animosity that would result would be unbearable for all of us. This is why we asked him to do the affidavit. However he has made his decision based not just on what he feels but also how it would affect his parents and other family members not having Callum with them here(totally understandable).
The annoying thing about it all is that his decision regarding his son actually affects all of us not just Callum. Our future in his hands, as it were.
I don't think that the fathers should be painted as the bad guys, they have rights too. If he was an absent parent, basic waste of space etc i would be a hell of a lot more upset than i am now, however he's a good dad and i have given him ample time to mull it over. I told him at Christmas what our plans were. I didn't push him for a decision.
My hubby has a job offer and we have got State Nomination to Victoria, we have looked at housing and the rest we would have looked into further into the application process....schools etc once we knew which area we would be living in.
We aren't doing this on a whim, i have two small children to consider and have thought it over carefully.
Well, dream over really.......just annoys me that one person has that power.
Kris
I have 2 children from an broken marriage. My current husband & I decided we would like to emigrate to Oz In Nov 2001, as my entire family is migrating to Australia.
Jan 2002 I asked the childrens father if he would consent for them to emigrate, I should point out that he had rarely of his own accord seen them in 5 years. My ex declined to give consent and told me no negiotiation would work.
February 2002 I applied for a court order for permission to take the children from the country, the hearing was in March 2002 I had to prepare a file for the judge showing my proposal for the children to be discussed at the hearing. The outcome of the initial hearingwas the judges decision was to involve social services (then an organisation called CAFCASS) to access the impact on the children, they had 12 weeks to write the report after interviewing the children, my husband, myself and my ex.
October 2002 was the final hearing for a decision from the District Judge, I was granted leave with the children to go to Australia.
You have to do the right thing for your current family, they are the ones you are going to live the rest of you life with, don't forget you only live once! On another note, the year of 2002 was the hardest year of my life, the emotional stress during this process is tremendous for all involved. Good luck if you decide to pursue the court order, you will find the trend seems to be to allow the custodial parent with the right to leave the country if they wish, you will probably be granted leave.
A couple of suggestions I put in my 'portfolio' for the court were -
To purchase web cams for family members in the UK so they could 'see' the children
To set up a website to allow interaction from the children with family in the UK, putting information on this site such as photos, school reports, vidoes, and general chit chat. This was well received by the judge.
Finally in 2004 I am now having my medical tomorrow, I'm nearly at the end of this LONG journey, after all the heartache I know for my family it's been worth pursuing this dream.
May 18th 2004, 9:58 am
#58
I don't re Member
Joined: May 2004
Location: Termite Country (Tanah Merah)
Posts: 1,372
same
Scooby
Your situation is similar to mine (andrew63 posted above).
I am waiting for my final hearing but it is anticipated the judge will grant me the right to take my daughter to oz - even though she has lived with me for the last 6 years and the previous 3.5 with no contact from her mother at her choice.
I can't believe I had to go though this
Web cam and site set up etc.
Tell me, did the judge mandate annual visits or anything like that?
Apprecaite your comment
TIA
Andrew
Your situation is similar to mine (andrew63 posted above).
I am waiting for my final hearing but it is anticipated the judge will grant me the right to take my daughter to oz - even though she has lived with me for the last 6 years and the previous 3.5 with no contact from her mother at her choice.
I can't believe I had to go though this
Web cam and site set up etc.
Tell me, did the judge mandate annual visits or anything like that?
Apprecaite your comment
TIA
Andrew
May 18th 2004, 6:51 pm
#59
Forum Regular
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 183
ex says no
hi all its good to hear about people who have been granted leave as I am on this route at the moment.
& yes it is very stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck to everyone
Dolly
& yes it is very stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck to everyone
Dolly
May 18th 2004, 10:23 pm
#60
Re mem mem member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
From what I can see krissys situation is nothing like most of these examples. Krissy has done the right thing, she wants to go but her ex has regular good (and I'm sure very loving) contact with the child.
If the other partner never really sees the child, or if they were an abusive partner, fine - take the court route if needed, but if the ex partner loves the child and sees them regularly, and if that child is happy, then tough - you shouldn't be allowed to bugger off abroad taking the child, and basically doing what makes YOU happy.
If the other partner never really sees the child, or if they were an abusive partner, fine - take the court route if needed, but if the ex partner loves the child and sees them regularly, and if that child is happy, then tough - you shouldn't be allowed to bugger off abroad taking the child, and basically doing what makes YOU happy.
