brissydeb

were hoping to go to Oz next summer. My parents are in their early sixties, my OH parents are in there 50's. What really worries me is when you get bad news from back home. On my side all grandparents have lived well into there 80's but what freaks me out what if something goes wrong b4 that. don't know how i would handle it. Just had to ask??????????

cranni

Its a hard one, and it happens.
I await that dreaded call, and i had it twice with my older sons, one in a car accident, one was really ill.
My dad always says, dont come back for me, there is nothing you can do.
To be honest i dont know what i will do, until it happens.
but we all have the same fear.
DEnise

hoots nan

Hi Brissydeb,
i've not been in this situation yet (thankfully), but it is something we discussed at length before we came here, my parents are in their very early 60's and OH are in their mid-late 70s. We talked and talked about it and to be honest things could happen whilst you are in the same room/town/country and you may not be able to do anything. My parents have been over 3 times now (we've only been here just over 2 years!!!) and OH's parents came over in September for 6 weeks!!! I live with the guilt every day that my eldest daughter didn't want to come out here to live, she is 22 next month, since we left the Uk she has given birth to my grandson and its hard knowing that i'm not there to see him grow up but it was her decision not to come with us. They are leaving the uk tomorrow to spend 3 months with us and i am alread dreading them leaving in February.

Live your dream Deb, you can't be forever thinking 'what if'? and remember you will come here make friends and they will be there to support and comfort you when the inevitable happens.

Hugs from Rach xxx

brissydeb

Cheers, know what you are saying, but at the moment that question is in the back of my mind.....deb x

brissydeb

that must have been really hard been so far away. hope they were ok. LOL

debbie x

TrickyTree

I am going through this exact situation at the moment Deb my mum was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and had an operation which we all hoped would cure the problem. She had her first follow up scan before coming out to Australia (for my wedding) in October and picked up the results on Monday which were not as good as we hoped as there were suspicious areas on both her lungs and lymph nodes. They have now bought forward her next scan to 3 months time where they will compare for growth etc and decide what the next steps are to be. We now have the big decision of what we will do if the worst is confirmed do we return or stay? At this moment I think I would like to return home and spend whatever time we have left as a family.

miss piggy

It is really, really hard & there is no way to make it easier. We've been in Australia for nearly 6 years & in that time both my parents have died of cancer. I have spent more of my time in planes & hospices than I care to remember & have felt hugely guilty wherever I was - if in the UK looking after my parents I was abandoning my children & husband in Australia, & if staying in Oz I felt I was failing as a daughter & sibling. I do regret that my children have missed out on knowing their grandparents , I do feel that I have failed as a daughter, but equally in our time living here we have benefited in many,many other ways which we couldn't possibly have done if we had stayed in the UK.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that there is no perfect solution & whatever you do will have some guilt associated with it.

I was lucky in that my parents were able to pretend to be enthusiastic when we were offerred the opportunity to come out here (even though I know they didn't really want us to come they kept that very quiet from me !) & they NEVER made me feel guilty about being here : not everyone I know has been so lucky.

Having said all this my parents were in their 70's & not in the best of health when we moved here so it was more predictable that it would be an issue we had to face - my in-laws (like yours) are younger & have been out 3 times to visit us,staying for a number of weeks each time, had a great time on each trip & have probably got to know their grandchildren better than had we popped in for the fortnightly/monthly 'duty' visit as we used to in the UK.

Grab the chances you get - you can't spend your life worrying about 'what if' - & remember, they are only 24 hours away at any time.

Remember also it is incredibly cheap to ring the UK from here - after my father died I spent nearly an hour every night talking to my mother - probably more time than I would have spent if I had been living at home !

hoots nan

What a lovely post Miss Piggy, puts everything into perspective and its nice to know that i am not the only one who feels guilty for one reason or another, thanks for sharing your story xxx

woodyinoz

It's horrid and it makes you realise that you are way to far away!

My mother had a cancer scare and my FIL is often having heart issues, he is not getting younger. Just reading his emails makes me realise how vulnerable he is feeling.

I guess that if your move out here is balanced with a better lifestyle than you had and you can give your children more, then you can justify going through the absence at these times... if not make sure that you have a lot of savings to enable you to take the trips home when needed. Sometimes though it's not just money but holiday pay and children to come into the consideration.

Remember it's not just the hard times but missing out on Christmas, weddings and christenings etc also start you feeling guilty in time.

For me I am pleased that I had this adventure...

SydneySwede

It's a thing we all dread....One of my colleagues went back to Europe last week. She got the call and in some ways you are expecting that when the call comes it will be for parents or grandparents. My colleagues sister had a stroke at the age of 28. She has been in coma for a week and they don't know if she will make it. It can happen to anyone so you can't think about it as an age thing.
I lived in the UK when my dad passed away in Sweden and although I was there three hours after I got the call I was too late....sometimes the distance doesn't matter.

iPom

My father called a few days ago to let me know he had 'stage 3' kidney disease. Stage 1+2 being not so bad, but 3,4, and 5 obviously being more serious.
Having to cope with the possible early mortality of a parent from this side of the world is sobering in the extreme. There's nothing I can do from here bar research everything on the internet i can find and try to push him to look after himself. It's just a horrid stress to realise whether here or there, there's nothing I can do anyway but it doesn't stop you feeling helpless.

isgraham

I moved over to Sydney last November and had to said goodbye to my parents knowing that they would be comming over to visit this November/December. I got the call telling me that my father had died suddenly on 4 January and had to go back to the UK immediately. A month ago I was told that there was a strong chance that my mother had liver cancer and was being tested for it. I told my mum if she had it I would be on the first flight home. Fortunately the problem was not cancer and has been treated by medication. I am clear in my own mind that if anything happens to my family or my wife's family then we am going back after all if I need to find a new job I can do so and to me at least family is more important than a job.

TraceyW

I used to ask myself the same sort of questions before we came here. It was all about "what if's". Well, the "what if" became reality when my Dad developed brain cancer and died last year. The feelings of guilt and helplessness were immense.

Don't kid yourselves with saying "You only live once and you have to live life for yourself, not other's" that doesn't work when someone you love dearly passes away and you cannot be there, not even to say goodbye.

Be prepared that these things do happen when you live so far away. Always keep a bit of money spare as an emergency fund, just so you can go back if you need to.

Milo

You are so right TraceyW

We said we would keep a fund for emergencies, however, this has been wittled away with one thing and another, so it's not always possible to have that. My father passed away 2 years ago, we had been here for 9 months and I knew his time was numbered even before we came away, but we had made the decision to do this, it amazes me how people come here and say they would have to go back if something happens, things do happen so be prepared, think about it a bit more before you come here. I know people do things differently, but why hope that nothing is ever going to happen .

TeresaG

This is something that we have thought about too. My parents are in their late 50's and are both fit and well. My inlaws are in their late 60's and my father in law hasn't been well. We are thinking of keeping an emergency fund in case we need to come home.

I don't know how we will deal with something like this unless it happens but we can't not persue our dream in case something does. We are finding it hard to deal with the pressures from my inlaws especially my husbands sister who thinks we should stay here in case they need looking after. I'm sorry but personally I don't agree with this at all and we've tried very hard not to fall out with her.

We ask ourselves these what if questions a lot but we have no idea how we will deal with it unless it happens.