bundy

I've had several depressive episodes since my late teens - I ws bullied at school (aged 17 - never occured to me that one could be bullied at this age) which led to years of self-doubt and non-existent self-esteem, but turned me into a hermit (albeit a near-suicidal one) who slaved at her studies night and day. This got me into a top uni, where the pressure was immense, and mostly piled on by myself. I drove myself into the ground, would spend hours sobbing or sleeping, couldn't shake the black gloom that seemed to linger the whole time, couldn't get happy, couldn't give myself a break. Some of the time was great - I had amazing friends who pulled me through. Other times were less great, the feeling that this vast darkness was waiting to sneak up behind me at any time and it would feel like I was quite literally, physically, being beaten over the back of the head with it. I could see it coming, this black cloud, and often it would last for weeks at a time.

I ended up with nervous exhaustion followed by a spate of intense panic attacks. Went to the GP who prescribed Prozac which shocked the hell out of me. I refused to take it (didn't want to be dabbling with the likes of prozac at the age of 20) so agreed another form of action before resorting to drugs. Got into yoga, which helped immensely. And learned to let go of things. Learned to spot the early signs of a panic attack and control it. Eventually learned to rationalise it. Made a conscious choice to stop driving myself into the ground with work and have a bit of fun as well - this meant sacrificing a double first, but the GP told me it was either carry on like I was and maybe get a first, or maybe expire trying, or get a life and come out with a lower mark. Which was I did, and it did my studies no harm at all.

I really turned the corner when I went to Oz and met Mr B. Since then, things have been better. I was doing really well until a few weeks back when the trauma of my mum's cancer diagnosis and lots of stress at work tilted the balance and I had my first panic attack in nearly 5 years. This time I've had Mr B to help me out of it and things are good again.

My aunt was bi-polar - the manic depression she was afflicted with drove her to kill herself. I'm very similar to my aunt in many, many ways and this has been a constant concern to my mum. Depression lingers in the background on both sides of my family.

My dearest friend in the world is bi-polar. We grew up together, and I've seen him go from a happy kid to a tortured teenager to a desperate young adult and now a scarred, but happy young man. I sat with him after 3 suicide attempts, visited him in the pyschiatric hospital, took him home when he turned up on my doorstep at 4am. I've seen the total devastation depression can cause, but I've also seen the funny side of it (and believe me, it can have its moments). I've seen it pull someone apart but I've also seen the person that comes out the other side, the person that has begun to get a handle on life again.

Depression is a taboo, and it shouldn't be, most of all for those that suffer when they need most of all to talk about it, to make someone make them talk about it.

By the way, be a bit careful with St John's - I tried it and it made my panic attacks more frequent and much worse. Discuss it with your GP first...

And ditto Mrs DB - I know now that some but not all of my depressive problems were the result of having a chronically underactive thyroid - depression is a symptom of it, as is the brain fog, exhaustion, sleeping 22 hours a day, mood swings etc)

bundy

And if anyone is interested in a truly inspiring and very honest book about depression (arising out of acoholism), try reading 'A Head Full of Blue' by Nick Johnstone.

loose

I'm full of admiration, and envy, at how you've all told your stories, and at all the constructive encouragment those who've been through forms of depression can now give.

Whilst not everyone can talk so easily about it, what you've done is show that its not unique, somebody going through similar can see that they're not the only one. They're not alone in how they feel or felt.

Theres tonnes of cynicism around, and your openess on this thread is refreshing and more helpful than a lot of you realize.

finsbury

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I've been a little bit tense recently because I've just submitted my Australian spouse visa application. You know how it is, the work and then the waiting etc.. I heard yesterday that my application has been referred to the HSA for further assessment. It must be down to last year's bout of depression because I'm fit and healthy otherwise. But the good thing is that I'm not worried or stressed or even negative about the delay. I'm still very hopeful that all will turn out well. And this is where I want to say thanks.

All of you sharing your stories has helped me realise what really is important. I'm here and in one piece!! I'm much better than I was 6 months ago! But most of all, I've got a partner who I love more than anything in this world and who loves me back with everything and more. I'm a truely lucky man. I forgot that last year but I haven't forgotten it now and hopefully I never will again. Your honesty has reminded me of just how fortunate I am and how good life can be.

Take care and hope you all have a very enjoyable weekend wherever you are. Best wishes.

bundy

Wouldn't worry about the medical too much. You're doubtless right that it has been referred due to your depression, but that doesn't necessarily mean a problem. Anyone with any ongoing medical condition or taking medication, whatever it is, will be placed in Category B and referred to the medical officer for assessment. In most cases, if it is straight forward and unlikely to cost more than $20,000 over 5 years to treat, not stop you from working etc etc, you should be passed fit.

Great to hear that you are being positive about everything - sometimes that itself can be a major achievement that others just can't understand. Life is good, but it's also what you make it and you alone have the power to make it the best it can be.

Don

Let's hope nothing serious turns up

bundy

Too bloody right Pollyana. Sad about your friend - for those who loved him. As you say, for him there's some relief. My aunt did something similar - she was in a psychiatric hospital in London, sky high on all kinds of medication, getting electric shock therapy, anything to break her out of her manic depression. For someone who was always very active, always outdoors and getting involved, being strapped to a bed was hell (this was 23 years ago). She managed to trick her way out of the hospital, ran down to the tube in her dressing gown and slippers and threw herself in front of a train. I was 3 at the time and I remember it so clearly. My mum is of the view that some people just aren't built for this life in this world and my aunt was one of them.

With my best mate, he's tried to kill himself 3 times by various methods. The final time, he was so determined that he walked into the woods on a January night, took several bottles of pills washed down with a bottle of whisky, removed all his clothes, slit his wrists and lay down in the frost. Ironically, the cold slowed his circulation so he didn't bleed to death, the pills moved slowly round his system and he was found by the usual man walking his dog the next morning. Most of the time I was the only person he would allow to see him, so I was there with him after each suicide attempt and talked him out of a few more. At times, it just seemed inevitable that he would evenutally suceed. But that final attempt was enough - he basically decided that someone or something didn't want him to die. Couldn't agree more as he is a fantastic person. It's taken him 6 years to piece his life back together but he's doing well now.

Two months after we arrived back in the UK, Mr B's cousin killed herself - another one who jumped in front of a train. She'd had a terrible life, but no one knew just how bad until she took her own life. Mr B swings between sheer rage that she could be so selfish, to guilt that he wasn't there for her, to a weird kind of admiration that she could be so strong as to kill herself.

Horribly morbid post, apologies for that. But depression in all its forms is all around us and we can only hope for more understanding.

bundy

Article by Nick Johnstone which will ring bells for anyone who has ever tried to seek help for depression...

http://society.guardian.co.uk/mental...165338,00.html

finsbury

Hi Sandra

Here are some websites that will hopefully be of use.

The Mental Health Association have a range of information about support and support groups in NSW. You can phone, e-mail or check out more web details at

http://www.mentalhealth.asn.au/support/index.htm

Depressionet is also a pretty impressive site and they might be able to help.

http://www.depressionet.com.au/index.html

The beyondblue website is also really helpful. In particular, check out the Related Links page

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

Hope this of some help and hope you find something that will help.