srd

Hi

I have posted before about my teenagers, but today things have come to a head, we are ping pong poms - we went to oz in 2003, back here in 2004 the return was for many reasons, now OH and I want to return, we came back knowing that this was the plan, but now the eldest 2 both boys 19 and 17 dont want to return with us. We were hoping that the 17 yr old would 'have to come' ie just dropped out of college here, no job, no where to live etc, we desperately want them to come with us, we also have a 16 yr old daughter who would come with us. The problem is the 17 yr old has been offered a bedroom in a friends flat, so is refusing to come. This has put us in a very difficult position, as I feel unable to leave him (was hoping that the oldest one would follow after his apprenticeship) as he is too young and we would miss him terribly. On the other hand I am finding it extremely difficult to think that we have to give up on our dream and stay here, our house sale is going through and the last 2 years have all been about getting back to oz. I dont know how to cope with the upset and anger that I feel about not going, but also dont think I could cope without my children. Anyone got any ideas of where I go from here? please help. many thanks and sorry its so long.

moneypenny20

This has sadly come up so many times. Not in your position but from an uninvolved point of view I would say that 17 is not too young to leave home. You say you haven't sold the house yet so it could be a few more months before you go.

Say you don't go because of No2 son. In 9 months time, he decides he wants to go away to a different college - ie leave home. He will go without a second glance (well not quite but you get my drift) you will be left here, your plans have come to nothing.

He has known for two years that this was the plan, if the offer of the bed is a serious one, I would make sure he is settled there, advise him to find work to pay for it and move over. You could well find that in a few months time he decides to come over and join you.

You can't put off your plans forever on the say so of one 17 year old. Hopefully you have brought your children up to be strong and able and bright enough to stand on their own two feet at some point.

srd

thanks for the reply, my house sale is going through, we were hoping to move back to oz middle of sept, have just cancelled the the shipping quote. I think today I am too upset to think clearly, I just cannot bear the thought of us being divided, and equally too upset to think off the loss of our dream.

moneypenny20

Imagine if you didn't go, but three years down the line your children decided they would come over - you would have lost your chance and you would all be divided. Families do divide at some point, it's just happening before YOU are ready The two older ones might feel ready now.

Cheetah7

I dont have kids so dont know how you are feeling but I did hear about one family emigrating to Canada and their 17 year old didnt want to go with them so they cancelled the whole thing for her.

A few months later, that girl went travelling and didnt return home for 2 years and she told her parents it was something she wanted to do without them and didnt want them with her.

What Im saying is, your son could well decide he wants to travel the world and not want you following him.

Which leaves you to do the only thing that technically is the right thing for you all, let him follow his dreams and allow you to do the same.

I really wouldnt cancel your dream, he is beginning his life and has the chance to be independent.

If you leave the door open for him, he could follow you eventually, but I reckon he needs to live a bit for himself first.

TeresaG

I don't have children so can't understand how you are feeling. It must be hard to move away and leave them at home but at the ages they are, you can't make them come with you. If they don't want to then don't cancel your dream.

Children grow up and leave home. My sister and I both left home at 18 to go to uni and apart from going home for the holiday's we never went back. He probably wants a bit of independence.

Let him follow his dreams and you should follow yours too. He may decide to join you in a year or two. Make sure he's got a reasonable job and will be safe and happy before you go. If you stay, you may not be together for ever. He may decide to move away or go travelling and then all your plans would have been for nothing.

If you don't go and follow your dream, you'll regret it and you can't put your dreams on hold forever.

Tiggs+Graz

When we decided to apply for our visas my (then 15 year old) son was not sure that he wanted to move with us. We agreed a compromise that meant we delayed our application so that he will be 18 before we travel.

This means that he will be able to make his own decision on moving or staying and while i really want him to come with us (being careful how i word this as he posts on the boards and may well read this!!) i have always said that the final decision will be his and we will support him in whatever he wants to do.

I can't really imagine moving without him but on the other hand i appreciate that he has his own life to live and i have to respect the choices that he makes.

Rather than cancelling your move have you thought of simply delaying it for a short while? (assuming that is possible)
Maybe if you found a short term rental for a couple of months you could take off the pressure for a bit and give yourself some space to make a better long term decision for both you and your son.

If your son is looking at living on his own and presumably supporting himself i would definitely suggest that he gives it a go - even if you are staying in the uk - i think that this will either show you that he can make it on his own and give you some peace of mind or it will make him realise that he is not yet ready to be on his own and change his plans to move with you.

I can really appreciate that you feel that you should stay with him - but on the other hand in a couple of years time he will be ready to head off on his own anyway. Moving to oz is a long term life choice for you and the rest of your family - give yourself time and don't make hasty decisions either way that you cold regret for a long time to come.

Adele

srd

Many thanks for your support. We have one year left on our visa, I am not sure at present whether staying here for one year would make too much difference, we would still be leaving him, also I am concerned that then my daughter would be just 17 and we would then be facing the same kind of situation with her. As you say, at present I am too upset to deal with this rationally and I am unable to make a sensible decision. Oh for hindsight before we moved back and wanted to pingpong!!

sasbear

Hi,,
Difficult time - I know as I have been through it - if you want to pm me for a chat or just fro some general support - feel free.

There are quite a few people on here who have gone through/going through something similar.

Sarah

GinaUK

At 17 the *idea* of living without parental supervision, with friends in a flat can seem terribly exciting - much more exciting than moving to Australia.

But once reality sets in: working, paying rent, cleaning, buying food, cooking, etc etc for a few months, a trip to Australia may appear in a different light.

As others have said: don't give up your dream because of him. He will leave home anyway, whether you stay here or move to Australia.

Move, but keep in touch with MSN and webcam. And make it clear that he can come and join you at any time (so he doesn't feel he has to stay in the UK to prove a point).

Gina

sue&bob

Hi,I kinda know what your going through we came out here 3 years ago and our daughter returned to the uk after 15 months (she didnt want to come in the first place)she is now struggling with paying rent and food etc,and now says once she has had a bit more fun there with her friends she will probably come back,she also said when she has kids Australia will be the place she would like to bring them up,now our son 18 is on about going back ,at first i couldnt sleep and i was getting in a right state,but now i think well WE need to live our lives and maybe we will all be together one day,We have done our best for them both and thats all we cand do,WE need to enjoy the rest of our lives now,I know it may sound hard but i have worried that much about them both,i cant worry anymore,,,,,,,,In the end they will do what they want.
We dont want to return to the UK because im sure if we did , we wouldnt last long and we would be back again,and cant afford to do that..lol
hope you sort things out and do what U want
good luck
sue
sue

srd

[QUOTE=sasbear]Hi,,
Thank you for your help, please can I PM or email you, but dont know how to do this, srd

connollys.home

Have sent you a private reply, sorry in advance for the length. All the best, Angie

Margaret2

Hi srd, really feel for you, we have a 14 year old, will be 15 when we move, and she most definately doesn't want to go I wanted to validate and leave it for a couple of years, but OH dead against this, as he said it will get worse, I know your having a hard time, and i shouldn't be taking comfort in your post but on reading this seems to me , perhaps we are doing the right think i.e taking her kicking and screaming

Cheetah7

I think your OH is right Mags.

You would need to leave it 4 year till she is 18 and alot can happen in those 4 year, healthwise or anything.

My husband wants to move ASAP, whilst I wouldnt mind waiting till Feb(ish) in order to save a bit.

But he quite rightly is concerned about employment, he is nearly 44 and although looks absurdly young, would rather get to Oz sooner rather than later.

If you left it until she was 18, you may like the original poster of the thread, find it hard to leave her, even though she is an adult.

And you could be faced with the problem of her doing her own thing and leaving you anyway.

I dont envy you though, when I think back to when I was 14, I wasn't even given an opinion in any major decisions, and I remember feeling pissed off about it.

We need to discuss this fully over copious amounts of wine I reckon.