Merlot

I have read in a number of threads about those couples/partnerships/marriages where one is from Australia, the other the UK and some of the issues that they have felt. I think Brissiegirl, Pollyanna, Hevs, Jad n Rich, Pants and mlbonner spring to mind (apologies if this is wrong).

I thought a thread to discuss this would be good as it is not a case of a family lock, stock and barrel moving from the UK to Australia. There is another variable to consider.

I lived in Australia for 7 years with my husband, a British Born, Australian Citizen. His immediate family came from England to Australia permanently in 1987. My family are all over in the UK.

I wanted to come back to the UK for a couple of years to live, work and see the folks on a day to day basis. As we have no ties or kids we did this in 2004. We do plan to return to Australia down the track.

What is evident as we have family on both sides of the globe is the pressure, guilt, anxiety we both feel about our families as no matter what happens one of us will be in the wrong side of the world.

How do those in a similar situation cope?
Does it get easier or harder with time?
Is it easier to settle in a new place when you have family from one side of the partnership in the same country?
Has it been a cause friction with your partner?

I know it is our life at the end of the day and if we wanted to live in a mud hut in the middle of Siberia, we would just do it but it is not always that easy.

Your thoughts
M

moneypenny20

Good post Merlot

All I can think is that it is bl**dy hard! We are in the position that hubby is aussie but hasn't lived there "properly" since he was four so we are all basically falling into the unknown. He has family there (Perth) and we have friends all over, but family will be left here.

Those who move to be with aussie partner have it very hard because it is expected that they will fall into the life easily but life's not like that, and some people have a problem understanding that. I think they probably get told, but you are with your partner and their family, it must be easier, but I should imagine they feel very lonely surrounded by loved ones, (polly's signature comes to mind).

No words of wisdom unfortunately, just the ramblings of a cold brit

Merlot

Not ramblings, some good points!

The bit about it should be easier as you are with your partner and family rings true. I was fine with hubby's family but not the same as your own, plus the fact his Mum lived 4 hours drive away.

I think my other half likes being back in the UK (for the moment), him and my Dad are like long lost brothers and I am sure if and when we move on, Dad will miss hubby more than he misses his own daughter LOL (I have many sisters, female overload for Dad!).

I really believe moving for anyone anywhere is really tough, this variable with a "foot" in each camp is very hard indeed.

Good luck with your move.

M

Merlot

Opps, not to leave anyone out, this thread can relate to any partnership with an Australian and another nationality, I don't mean to be "Countryist".

Brissiegirl

I did got through the culture shock thingy when I moved over permanently at the end of 1999 to the UK. Things were different... very different and at times it was really odd. But I accepted that this was part of moving to a different country to a similar, but different culture! I still badger my poor hubby about what things are/mean etc... and it took me ages to get the hang of the local slang!!

I think it did get easier with time - it was best not to 'fight' against adapting and trying not to hate anything. I don't 'like' some things about life here, but to hate them would be very childish. So I don't.

I miss my family... although, when my parents did visit (twice in 5 1/2 years) I would fall out badly with my Mum each time, as she was trying to 'smother me with love' as she hadn't seen me for so long...but we're not moving too close to them when we're back in Australia. I was also very upset when my brother returned to Australia after being in the UK for over a year on a working holiday... I felt very isolated and alone. My hubby is very understanding though...so I feel very lucky that this has never ever caused us any friction.

We do see loads of my hubby's family and they are lovely people. I do love them all and I know we will both miss them all like crazy when we leave. But we have made the choice to go back to Australia, so it will be interesting to see how we cope not being physicallly very close to either family.

I have to say I've never made any good friends here.. good work mates, yes, but good chums, no.... going out and getting blind drunk in bars etc is not my idea of a good night out... I must be very boring!! I'd rather go to a restaurant.. or have a bbq if the weather was better!!

We are going to try and live in a mud hut of sorts in the future... we want to build a rammed earth house when we find where we want to live permanently in Australia..... will be an interesting project for our future

JayDeee

It's just bloody hard, no offence to any Australians out there but had I known how hard it would be a week or 2 after meeting my hubby I wouldn't have stayed with him and would not be having to go through this now. Love the hubby , not so sure on the in laws (except father in law cos he is lovely) hubbies mates are good but they are not my mates and no one here is MY family.

Same as everyone else I guess but hubby did his bit in the UK and now my turn to do my bit here.

Hubby now wants to go and settle in Europe eventually, he says it has changed here in the time he was away and it no longer feels like home but I really want to give Australia a good go and maybe try other places like Melbourne. HUH don't matter where you are from couples will never agree!!!

Kala

Sophie Louise

My boyfriend's from Brisbane (came over here in March 2003), and this year we're making the permanent move "back" to Brisbane.

I think regarding how it affects couples, it depends very much on the personalities involved. My boyfriend says that he hasn't particularly missed friends and family, and webcam/ phone, etc. have been great ways of staying in touch. He viewed coming here as an exciting thing, and didn't think too closely about the implications of doing so beforehand. In general he's been utterly laid back about the whole thing, and says that while he can't wait to go back, he could also stay in the UK if I didn't want to go to Oz (as if..)

To the contrary, I've been very traumatised about going, with emotional family, upset at leaving my friends, and endless "research" on websites like this!!! He shrugs, says he just got on the plane, and that was it...

I'm very glad to be going somewhere with someone who knows all about the area and what we're going to. He's been utterly supportive (even in my most scary stressed/ acting like permanent PMT moments).

As long as you both support each other, and have each other, then the way I see it is that where you end up is almost a side issue...

Sophie

Merlot

Thanks for the candid replies.

It made me smile how a lot of us are "doing our bit" in another country, a big juggling act isn't it?

Brissiegirl LOL at the mud hut thing, would love to do something completely different on our return.

Yep, I saw my Mum once in 7 years and she smoothered me too to the point I had to leave and stay in a hotel the last 3 days of my trip home, that rang true.

I miss the BBQ life, never thought I would hear myself say that one and good food at good prices at restaurants.

Been on a couple of nights out with the females in the UK and yes this horrid binge drinking thing is way too much for me, and they say Australian's have no class!!!

I certainly saw more class over in Oz than some on the slappers falling over plastered into the gutter in the UK. Oh heck, don't mean to be a snob. :scared: I did not realise how much I had blended into the Australia way of doing things, even after a year back in the UK I see that.

M

JayDeee

Did your boyfriend come to the Uk to be with you or was he there on a working holiday visa (or somthing short term) and then met you.

I really think that makes a difference, I have been to Australia many times before but it was always a short term holiday kinda thing so never even thought about being homesick etc etc.

A real permanent move is soooo very different, I think that is what makes it so hard for people, you come and try the place and cant imagine why people find it hard but when you are here and sudenly it isnt a holiday anymore it is very dificult to comprehend why it is so much harder than you imagned it to be

Kala

bondipom

I guess I am lucky in that it has not been so hard. This is mainly due to being put in boarding school due to my parents moving a lot. Nowhere has ever felt like home and I have never become settled anywhere.

I think I am now at the hardest moment yet I do not feel an overwhelming desire to return to the UK. I want to be there for my family and I will be on Saturday. I have been lucky enough to get a flight.

At first the Mrs struggled with living in the cold in the UK but after she found work. We did some travelling and after finding the right shops life was good for her. She never fitted into the Anglo or "Wog" cliques at school and found the UK very accepting.

She gets on with my family and I get get on with her mum and we seem to have found the right compromises.

Merlot

You must of read my mind as I was thinking of that, once the dust has settled so to speak reality takes over along with all kind of emotions, including homesickness.

For me in Oz it was about 9-12 months as I had come over on a WHV, and by then my close back-packing buddies had upped on gone, moi was settling into married life - huge upheavel. I felt very, very lost and alien. On the plus side it got better as the years moved on though always a sadness in the belly feeling for my family, like something was missing.

Then returning to the UK last year, first 9-10 months I was great then I started to miss parts of Australia, though that horrible nagging homesickness feeling was no longer in my belly as I was around my family.

A tough call.

M

JayDeee

Crazy isn't it, I have only been here 4 months and although I am finding it pretty hard at the moment I also know that I haven't given it enough time to really give it a go, I really do think that I have to give it at least a year and at the moment cant see myself feeling like this in a year, mainly because I don't want to still feel like this in a year not that I think I am gonna get over it on the 6 month mark or anything like that.

But even now I can think of so many things about here that I would mis like crazy if I were to go back to the UK so there is no way I will go back yet. I cant imagine how hard it must be to feel home sick for 7 years and then feel "home sick" again when getting back to the UK.

The world has become so small but yet it is still so bloody huge

I hope everything works out for you
Kala x

Merlot

Same back Kala, I think once you start this globe trotting lark, we will always feel this way in varying degrees.

Good thing we have the Forum to make us realise we are not all going mad!!! Or are we???

Merlot x

JayDeee

Thats it I think, I still want to globe trot and dont really want to be back in the Uk, This really does sound awfull but I think for couples it would be better to go somewhere where which is neither of your "homes" so neither of you has that upper hand of having family and life long friends near by.


Oh and I am afraid that we are all mad
Kala x

jad n rich

We will always be faced with a problem we will never be able to solve, one of us must give up our family for us to be together. Somebodies family will always be hurt or missing out. If we had a spanish english marriage or aussie/newzealand marriage, it would not be a problem, frequent visits would be possible distance wise and of course finanacially. With our english aussie marrige and three kids a family visit costs about half the average aussie wage after tax.

To survive all this long term you need a very good marriage, sort out how you plan to handle it before kids, has anybody ever discussed the nightmare that must happen if one of this marriages breaks up! which country will these kids live in? and which parent will end up spending the rest of life in that country despite a broken marriage and possibly not wanting to be there. Horrific.

In our case neither party has ever been my country is all fantastic and yours is crap, which is why this forum is so fascinating, not the marriage angle, but the one eyed view of many prospective immigrants

Because of our open attitude we have managed to live successfully in both the UK and australia, and are still torn which one will suit us with the kids rapidly becoming teenage. I think job wise, career wise it may be the UK. Looking back with hindsite with education it would definately have been the UK.

Our marriage has survived a long time, having three kids may have made us work harder at it than most, the threat of what I mentioned in paragraph 2 probably had a lot to do with that. I dont think it would have survived if either one of us hadnt been able to give the other persons country a go, somebody would have felt resentment.

Think thats about it