delama

Hi All ,

We are in the process of applying for skills assessment, with the hope of getting a visa within a year or two.
I was just wondering if anyone feels guilty about leaving for Oz?

I would absolutely love to do it, as would my hubbie, but are we doing the extended family an injustice, by taking away our two daughters (aged 3 and 5)? We are quite a close family, and I feel guilty at the thoughts of my parents especially not seeing their grand-daughters grow up. (My mum looks after the girls while we're in work).

Does anyone else feel like this? Is it normal, or a sign that we shouldn't move away?
M

horrigans

I did feel a bit guilty about leaving behind family - but we have half of our family in Australia and half in the UK, so we were always going to be torn no matter what we did. When I told my parents we'd got our visa my mother decided that she would no longer speak to me and telling them was definitely the hardest bit of the whole process. It is hard, but it's your life and you get one go at this. Why not live the life you want rather than the life someone else wants for you?

Sarah

PS Since my mother stopped speaking to me I don't feel guilty in the slightest. Her reaction is making me be glad to leave her behind... harsh though that sounds.

travelbug

Hi there, if you did a search on this site you will see loads of threads all asking similar questions....there's a lot of us suffering from guilt! Most responses are the same....we only get one shot at life and if you dont go you'll always be wondering "what if". I am in the same position as you, i'm torn up about potentially leaving the grandparents over here grandchildren less - but as people will say - its very easy to keep in touch nowadays if you make the effort. From my perspective - it's the fact that our families are not supporting our decision to move that is causing more heartache for me....
My partner keeps trying to remind me that we have our own family unit now with our kids so we need to put theirs and our needs first.....
To make myself feel better about the potential move i keep saying to myself it might just be for a few years and then we could always move back.......

delama

god, I can't believe she stopped speaking to you!!
When I first mentioned it to my parents a year ago, my dad said they only way to deal with it was to stop seeing the kids, so it wouldn't be a big change for him when we finally left. He wanted to 'wean' himself off them!!
I thought this was really selfish, and got really annoyed. But you're right. If its what we want to do, then we should do it.
Do you think anyone is 100% positive that they're making the right decision, or is there always a doubt at the back of your mind??

Mrs Kiwi

Hi, I know exactly how you feel and I posted a very similar thread recently. My husband and I are going down under to Australia and although we don't have kids to deprive my mum of, my mum is completely on her own without a partner or without any other kids anywhere near her. (I do have a brother but he lives in Australia already.) My mum is supportive & has said that when she retires she will come to visit for a few months a year but would never want to live there. So the guilt I feel about leaving her on her own in the UK is enormous. I had loads of replies to my thread so I know loads of people feel the same way. The general opinion was that guilt is natural & normal but it shouldn't stand in the way of going after what you want, after all, your family would probably feel guilty if they ended up being the reason you didn't try an new life abroad. I find a way of living with the guilt is just to say to myself and my mum that my husband and I are going for a few years to suss out Australia and that "forever" is a long time, so who knows if we'll stay away "forever" or not.
Guilt is a huge issue so my thoughts really go out to you. If your family are supportive hopefully they will be pleased that you are following your dream and they will intend to come and visit you. Good luck. x

moderndaytravellers

Hi

I just wanted to say that guilt is what stopped us from going to Australia 2 years ago. We moved to France instead thinking that well, we want to get out of the UK and it is ONLY an hour by plane, grandparents will come really frequently. Anyway, when we told them of our decision they made our life hell, well my mother in law did anyway, and made us feel really guilty even though they knew we had changed our minds from Aus because of their reaction. What I am trying to say is that some parents will always lay on the guilt trip no matter where you go because we chose France so that they could visit more easily and have they? No. In the two years we have been here they have visited 3 times - so they really miss their grandchildren, not! We have now decided that we can leave our families and that we have to think of ourselves and what will make OUR family happy because they will be unhappy whatever we decide. Only wish we had had the courage to make the move 2 years ago.

I hope that helps you a bit. You mustn't feel guilty, if you believe it is the right thing to do for you and your family unit, then they will have to deal with it.

Carla X

PS. We don't regret leaving the UK for one minute! It's not a good place to bring up children at all.

banoff

Hi

I havent told my mum of my plans yet (no point until we know for definate we have the visa) She is 80 this year and lives alone, every week I go to see her
and now find myself staring at her feeling so guilty at my secret. I am 43 and
only have a couple of years left to do it. My daughter is nearly 16 so if we dont go soon I risk her not coming.

But all said this is my life and I cant live it for other people.

Jan

egghead4

yeah I think about it all the time and we are only just submitting paperwork for the visa!
I just think it is human nature to have these type of emotions, its what you do with them that matters.
My OH is not really that close to his family, although they are a very small unit and have regular meet ups, whereas we visit my mum and dad at least twice a week and I class my mum as one of my best friends.
My brother and I are also really really close.
my parents have been great about our decision, in fact my mum has said that she wouldnt mind following us. we will have to wait and see.
I just think that we are in for an emotional rollercoaster ride.
bec

M J

I feel terribly guilty. I dont have any brothers or sisters (well a half sister who has never given a damn) and i'd always said to my parents when i was younger that i'd look after them in their old age. By emigrating i feel i'm abandoning them.Dads in a wheelchair and mum's his carer. I have nightmares imagining "what if's" and these really distress me. I also have a 16 month old son who really loves his nana and grandpa and they dote on him. By going to Oz not only am i removing their only daughter from their daily lives but their only grandson. Oh i know there are webcams and they will come and visit for long periods but its not the same.
To make it harder (or better i'm not sure!! ) they are very supportive and only want the best for us. In their words "go for it" sums it up and they want a better life for us all. We are all hoping that they could follow us out there but thats a while away if possible!!
All in all what drives me to stay sane and focused is ... my son. One of the main reasons for our move is so he can have a more outdoor life, with more space to play and be the child that he is. I dont think it matters whether parents are supportive or not ... both have their negatives but whatever way i look at it ........ i'll be crushed to initially leave them behind.
M J

horrigans

Yeah - she won't speak to me and she won't even look at me. All good fun... not! I tried to arrange to see them to talk it through, but she said no. There really isn't anything else I can do as we're certainly not going back on our decision after going through the lengthy visa process. And anyway, we just don't want to change our minds!

I do feel 100% positive that we're making the right decision... even if telling family in the UK was hard, we're making a decision for our own family. We're giving choice to our own children so they can live near UK family or Australian family. If we didn't do something now, the opportunity would go. You've one life to live, so you might as well just get on with living it.

Sarah

chrisandvee

My parents moved to spain 5 years ago and i remember walking along the beach saying to oh id love to live here and i got a very negative response about not leaving her parents ect. 3years ago we went travelling for 18 months and spent 12 in oz at first we missed our families terrible and then a time goes on we and they get used to it. When we got back we lasted 2 weeks in blighty and moved to spain and since then we are in the process of hopefully getting our visa for oz. The fact we have spent time away and we email and phone all the time makes things so easy. My parents still live in spain so they know whats its like to be away from family but since we moved here oh parents have visited three times and cant fault our decision to move away from blighty although course they will miss us. At the end of the day you get one shot at life and it isnt us who are the selfish ones and should feel guilty it is those families who make our lives miserable with nothing short of emotional blackmail to stop us doing what we want. Im lucky we now have the blessing of both our families and guess what oh parents are already talking of visiting for 3 months and we arnt even there yet! good luck all

Qaxpla

My mum is feeling really guilty about it all.

To be honest, I think she's hiding a lot of it because she knows how much the other 3 of us want to go. She's very much hung up on the fact her mum and dad (my nan and grandad) are pushing 70 now and she doesn't know how long they have left and if something was to happen, it'll take a day to get home.

In a way, the thought really puts me off wanting to go because I feel exceptionally bad for my mum. But, when I spoke to her about it I just sort of said that yeah, I love my nan and grandad and if something happened we'd all want to be home as soon as possible. But, whether we're 5 minutes away or 1 plane away, you cannot stop the inevitable and you can't live by what "could" happen. No-one can predict the future (well, that I know of... haha) and you can't live your life in anticipation. You have to live for the here and now and do what is best for your immediate unit. At the end of the day, she knows the reasons for going and they do outweigh the reasons to stay, unfortunately.

If we get some thumbs up from the agents looks like i'll be training my nan up on webcams and Skype, she's only just mastered the mobile and is already using more shorthand than me in texts haha.

donnab

We are also in the process of thinking about going to Oz. We have a 10 month old son and he is the only grandson (and great grandson) on both sides of the family. We are very close and I love my job as a primary school teacher. Both sets of parents of very supportive of the decision of moving. But i feel guilty as we are taking away their only grandchild, which he might be for a very long time! I just dont know what to do! I want to go, but then i don't as of our situation. We have been to the emigrate show today and basically been offered a job in WA - but not in Perth. does anyone have any advise?

Alana and Arrons mum

We have our visa and are leaving in 9 weeks and I am consumed by guilt.
I know it is the right decision for us(hubby,myself and kids 5+3)but I feel so terrible for my parents.
My mum is profoundly disabled and ,although they are talking about coming to see us,I really dont think they will.They have been brill and my dad has given us an interest free loan to enable us to go.
On the other hand,my MIL is hardly speaking to me and wont even discuss it.I dont feel so bad about leaving her!
I am dreading the next few weeks and have spent most of today on the verge of tears after visiting my 89 year old Gran.
I am a wreck!
I do ,however,truly believe it is the right thing to do and am looking forward to starting over again.I just have to get there!
Andy

grahampaula

Don't be consumed by guilt. Do what is right for you and your family, it will be hard to start with but hopefully you will get through it. I was in the same position last year with my Nan, can you believe it she was 100 years old. My mum and dad moved to Turkey nearly two years ago and being an only child, I was on my own with MY family. Unfortunately, my Nan died last March, but she sure had a good life, and now I am looking to the future for us. Best of luck to you all.