hmh1uk

My 18 yr old for the third time has changed his mind about coming to Oz with us.
He is in college full time but doesn't want to continue and also works part time, with the opportunity of going further and turning this into a career.
The problem i have like other parents out there is i don't think he is responsible enough. I have trouble getting him out of bed at the best of times, and clearing up behind himself, how am i supposed to trust that he can look after himself and pay his bills?
I phoned the agent when he decided to come with us and had his name put on, and now we are unsure wether to leave his name on let him validate and that would give him 5 yrs to decide what to do, or take his name off and let him get on with it, hoping and praying he will be fine. he has no family here that could support him if it goes t**ts up for him, and IF we take his name off what options are there for him to come to Australia in a couple of yrs like he wants. The other thing tho is if we leave his name on, he would have to stay in college wouldn't he and be living with us?
We have only got as far as the TRA, so i know that there is time for him to decide, but i wouldn't want to force him to stay in college and live with us if it is not what he wants!


Any suggestions would be great.

H

moonpig

I would definitely include your son in your application, it gives you more options as your son could easily change his mind once you've gone to Oz. If he's not on your visa and then decides to come out you would have to apply again and prove that your son was dependent upon you. If he's no longer at college and working it would make the application harder. Plus if he comes out to validate he gets the opportunity to see what Australia can offer if and that itself could easily make him change his mind.

Another option once you have the visa is for your son to go into full time work and move out into his own flat, houseshare etc. This will help you and him, bring home the realities of budgeting, bill paying and make him more independent. You'll see first hand at how he copes. He might decide that it's too much too soon or surprise you at how will he copes.

Hopes this helps, have sent you some karma.

Grayling

Be careful.....if he is over 18 then you will have to prove dependency to include him on your visa.

If he is working he may not be considered dependent.

G

Wendy

Also worth noting is that they will assess dependancy at the time of decision and not at time of applying - so he could very well need to be dependant for up to another 12 months.

It's a tough decision to make, I know I had to make the same one a few years back. For what it's worth, my lad is doing really well living on his own in the UK - he is 21 now and I am really proud of the man he has become.

TheDangerousQuietOne

Just point out to him that the oz women are all stunning, walk around in bikinis all day and there's more women than men! That'll get him over quick-sharpish.

Grayling

Isn't lying unethical?

Ozzy dog

I would endeavor to keep him on your application at all costs. Not one of us can 'make' our grown up children stay or come with us. But to not even have the choice would be really hard. Explain this to him, he may feel quite scared and just because its your dream doesn't automatically make it his.

Tell him about the 100's of families with young adult children who are unable to come even if they want to on here. The last remaining relative route is really really hard, expensive and certainly not always successful.

Tell him that you will try to give him some space but that you are applying for him in the hope that he will come. At 18 they can value their 'currant' friendships and lifestyle above all else - then they fall out and things change.

Good Luck

Tracey

kiwinow

On the other hand, when he no longer has you to pick up after him and wake him up he'll magically be able to do this for himself. Relax, keep your options open if you can, but let him try to be an adult. He can't do that while he lives with you.

hmh1uk

Thank you all for your responses.
My husband had a chat with him last night, i couldn't because i know i would be trying to force him to come and that i know is not the way to go.
Apparently he does want to come but only when he feels it is right for him, he said he was scared more than anything else of starting over from scratch, so he needed reminding that we all will be AND he would be even if he stayed here, so he is going to way up the pro's and con's of it all.
As ozzy-dog mentioned his friends and current lifestyle is at the top of his list, but he also realises it will be hard not having us there when he has a problem.
OH and me spoke a bit more about it and we will probably try and leave his name on, then he has a choice, i just hope i can take a step back and let him decide for himself.

Thank you all again

Wendy

If you need to talk about it, you can PM me any time. I have been there so know just what you are going through

hmh1uk

Thanx wendy,
I'll probably take you up on that offer at some point lol. The thing is (like OH and son have both pointed out) when he first decided to stay i was fine with it, then he decided to come i was estatic now he doesn't and i am a mess

I know it will sort it self out in the end, i should count myself lucky though we have it quite easy compared to alot of peeps on here, we have no house to sell, our families are great about all this and have been involved from the start they will be upset but know it is better for us and my ex is happy for his son to go knowing that it will be a healthier lifestyle for him, signing the stat dec in the next few wks. And enough money put away for when we go. I suppose a little hiccup doesn't hurt lol

Hx

Ozzy dog

Might sound a bit odd, but try to make it really easy for him to come with you - rather than hard for him to stay back on his own. Keeping his name on your visa application then giving you all some space may help -

Thinking of you

Good luck

Tracey

Wendy

No worries, I'm here if you need to vent.

missa

Hi

Just thought i'd say i'm in a similar position. I have an 18yr old son who, luckily for me, does want to come with us. I discussed it at the very beginning & told him i preferred it if he was on the visa, then he got the opportunity to emigrate, although i certainly wouldn't force him to. He is on our application, however he is working. He is an apprentice so is actually on less than the minimum wage. We are currently in the process of proving that he is dependant on us!! I will be keeping my fingers crossed that they agree he cannot live on his own. ON the wage he gets he has no chance!!!!!. I If you want to pm me please feel free then we can have a moan together

jwood

Just thought i'd let you know my situation, I have a 21 year old son ( with a 2 year old daughter - my grandaughter) in Northumberland. Living happily as a family unit. Never declared dependants.
I also have an 18 year old son who lives with his father in Kidderminster.
The 18 yo didn't want to emigate from the get go but he remained on the visa application and came with us when we landed in Adelaide 12 months ago. He stayed a week and then returned to UK.(as our agreement)
He has since got a job, gone from part time to full time and advanced in his chosen career. He too couldn't get up in the morning and missed appointments.
He has moments when he really needs to be with me, but then a couple of weeks later is fine and wants to stay in UK.
Anyway my point is, leave him on your visa application. He will have 5 years to change his mind, as i am hoping mine will - you know what mothers are like - at the end of the day, if he is happy i am happy. I would prefer to have him here but he is an adult with his own mind. He knows i am here if he needs me.