davehornet6

im rubbish at remembering jokes but read this one in a paper...

hubby and wife were sat at computer trying to set up wifes internet banking,
hubby typed in username and was asked to create a memorable password for his wife.
'aha she wont forget this in a hurry' he thought, so he typed "my penis"
the message on screen said "password rejected, too small"

PAT M

England's performance last night

An old spinster lady walked into a funeral parlour to take up their offer of a "plan your funeral now!" service. When it came to choosing the lining of the coffin, she noticed several different colours, white, mauve, pink etc. She asked what is the white satin used for? Well that's for the young and innocent, And the mauve? Well, that would be used for someone who is worldly and streetwise, you know, someone who has been round the block a few times, affairs a plenty, maybe married several times, lived life to the full. When it came to choosing her satin lining she asked for "white with plenty of mauvey tints, thanks"

bricwood

its not my joke I copied and pasted it

The identity of the England fan who gained unauthorised access to the England dressing room has been revealed.
He entered the room aggressively and walked up to Emile Heskey, telling him Premier Lodges are crap and that Dawn French should have left him years ago.
Next he told Shawn Wright-Phillips that his mum, Madonna was a slag.
Then he was telling Rooney that the Shrek films were shite, when his brother Prince William stepped in and calmed him down.

bricwood

its hard to find clean ones

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shite on its head!"

PAT M

A lady from Yorkshire wanted to have a headstone made that was worthy of her recently departed (and very religious) husband, she asked the stonemason to enscribe "He was thine" on the headstone. She went along a few weeks later to find the words "He was thin" written on it, she complained to the stonemason "You left off the "E"!!" A few weeks later she returned to visit the grave and found this written: "Eeee, he was thin".

Anderson Council

A young lady entered a trendy cocktail bar in London and asked for a "Double Entendre". So the barman gave her one.

bricwood

indiebird

Bernard Manning???? I can't even bring myself to watch!

The jokes I like are always either stupid ones that my kids tell me (and then you probably need to have been there) or feminist ones.... my dad doesn't send me his jokes anymore but he does to my sister and my cousins etc... I think he's realised that I really don't stomach racist or really rude jokes or really sick jokes -however I do appreciate a bit of black humour.

ononno

Ciao tutti, pulled this one out of my quite substantial archive picked up over the years from t'internet. I owe quite a few to a Saudi Arabian oil rig worker :
For a good laugh read through these real children's science exam answers.....
Q: name the four seasons
A: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
Q: explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: what are steroids?
A: things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: what happens to your body as you age?
A: when you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q:what happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: he says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: premature death
Q: What is the fibula?
A: a small lie
Q: what does 'varicose' mean?
A: nearby
Q:Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: what does the word 'benign' mean?
A: benign is what you will be after you be eight.

ciao for now
'o nonno

TestaRossa

Like them!! There's similar on the web - huff post I think - with the actual exam papers with the kids comments and teachers remarks!! So funny!

bricwood

Patty

couple of football jokes:

The England World Cup team visited an orphanage in South Africa yesterday.
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly struggling and facing insurmountable odds" said Shiphiwe Modese, aged six.


Knorr have released a special edition OXO cube in white with a red stripe to commemorate our current world cup campaign. It's called the laughing stock cube.


A little old lady trying to cross the road when Fabio Capello sees her struggling. "Excuse me my dear, can you manage?" asks Capello. Little old lady replies "You got yourself into this mess, don't expect me to help you out"

Guy walks into the brothel dungeon and says to the mistress
"I'm really kinky, I want total humiliation, how much will it cost"
The mistress looks at him and says "£29.99"
"WOW", says the guy, "That's a great price so what do I get for that ?"
She looks at him and says "An England shirt"

indiebird

am loving the stock cube joke especially. I think at the minute the joke is just the team anyway isn't it??!!

TestaRossa

Steve wouldn't speak to me afterwards...He was gutted..

indiebird

must admit mine wasn't in the best of moods either if I'm honest. He was much happier when he came home yesterday and the German bloke from the office hadn't been at work!