Originally Posted by herrchook

You're quite something TP. You are an inspiration to us all. Keep your head high where it deserves to be.

Gill

Originally Posted by curly

Only just found this! Wow A when you read all you've been through you deserve a medal You're an amazingly strong person, now go and apply for your citizenship X
Tiddlypom for President (if Aus goes Republic )

Originally Posted by TiddlyPom

It's hard to know what to say or where to start given where I find myself now.

I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.

For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.

The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...

And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?

I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed )
Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.

I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.

The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.

Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...

I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.

Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.

We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.

Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.

We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.

The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.

My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.

I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.

Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.

During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.

Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.

The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.

We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.

At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.

For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.

Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.

When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.

So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.

Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.

Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.

Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.

Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.

Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...

My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.

I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.

I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.

My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.

My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place... So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.

I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...

I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...

Things I learned...

Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.

People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...

Stress can kill love.

Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.

Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.

I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.

This is where I am happy and this is home.

Originally Posted by ausi dream

Hang on in there you can do it, know how you feel on the health side i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis and other conditions due to the auto immune condition and it can be tough going.
If i was in your area i would give you a hand, you are a very brave and strong lady don't let others pull you down.

Originally Posted by pinkjane8

WOW TP youve brough tears to my eyes!!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Originally Posted by LINDZI

Hi TiddlyPom

Just to say you are an Inspiration to keep going like this after everything that has happened and make it your home and your life.
Well done

Lindzi.

Originally Posted by TiddlyPom

Thanks Lindzi. I don't feel like an inspiration... I feel stuck and not sure how to move forward... on some days it's a big up and down roller coaster ride but mostly it's ok. I know that looking forward, my life in a years time is going to be so different than it is now, and that's what keeps me going really. Life is not static, it's constantly changing and moving and it will continue to do so.
It's believing that things will keep moving that's difficult.. but I don't see that I have a choice... to do anything else is to give up.

Originally Posted by LINDZI

I know what you mean we have been here 2 years and we are on our downs at the moment and i hope it passes.
But i hear what you are saying we are looking forward all the time and i hope we will get there one day.(where ever that may be)
I think after everything that has happened with you lets hope it gets better which i am sure it will. Time is a good healer and can only make us stronger.
Good Luck you deserve it.

Lindzi x

Originally Posted by pinkjane8

TP where exactly are you in OZ? I know you mentioned the mountains but Im not aware of the place