markonline1

I'm about to win an award for the world's stupidest thread, but as I'm sure there are people here that have been in the same boat who can tell me what they did in my situation.
So this morning, I got the call that every expat dreads, to say there had been a death in the family. It was my 90 year old grandad. Yes, he served a great innings, had no quality of life after my gran who he'd been married to for 60 years passed away 2 years ago, had rapidly declining health and passed quietly in his sleep this morning surrounded by family including grand kids and great grand kids (almost the perfect way to go if there is one), but obviously it's still tough. More so as everyone keeps telling me how all he used to do was ask how I was. Everyone was pretty sure he held on for as long as he did when my Gran passed to see me and his new great granddaughter once more. It's a safe bet to say we were very close.
The problem arises from work. I'm about 5 weeks into a new job. A job I greatly enjoy. It's also a job where in about 2 weeks, I'll be expected to work long hours with reduced time off as we get slammed during Monterey car week. Asking for time off, albeit just 4 days for a flying visit, is not gonna go down at all well. In fact, they may say no. In fact, I'm sure they will. I already have a few guilty thoughts about not being there, I'm worried these will only increase if I don't attend the funeral, plus knowing I didn't attend to pay my last respects to someone so important in my life is a worry. Then again, if I'm forced to choose between funeral and job, I could be giving up the only chance I have of doing a job in this area that I genuiely enjoy.
So anyone been in this situation? Anyone want to chime in with some well rounded words of advice?

hungryhorace

I have, but I didn't have an employer that sounds anything like yours. In the end, I didn't attend my nan's funeral, as I had already said my goodbye a month previous.

If I was you, I would expect my employer to offer me compassionate leave for such a situation. If they didn't, I wouldn't be working for them much longer.

As a manager myself, I have absolutely no issue approving compassionate leave for deaths and so forth. It's part of being a good employer.

Sorry for your loss.

Mrs Danvers

This happened to me in 2002 with my grandma who was my last surviving grandparent.

Check your bereavement leave policy. Did you get a big employee handbook? I was not the breadwinner when this happened to me, so I was probably not as worried as you are. I left for seven days, but got paid for four which was company policy at that particular place.

Tell whoever your immediate boss that your Grand dad died. Back then, there were bereavement flights available, I haven't had to do it since so not sure how airlines are now. But I got a flight for $600 versus about $1200 at such short notice at the time.

Word of advice - get a copy of his death certificate. I did, though my organization never asked me to provide it.

Pulaski

I am sorry to hear of the loss of someone you were obviously close to. It is, as others have said, one of the toughest things about being an expat, especially so far from home.

Ironically the availability of instant communication by phone and email, and travel by long haul jet planes has made the problem worse, because fifty years ago nobody would have expected you to travel back from CA to the UK for a funeral, and a few years earlier you might not even have heard someone had died until after the funeral had taken place.

I've not been in quite that situation, but my mother has always said you go to a funeral for the benefit of the living, not to pay respects to the dead. ...... My sister was in the middle of important studies for her degree when our grandmother died. My sister did not come to the funeral, and nobody thought any less of her for attending to her studies, at least as far as I could tell.

If you're trying to establish yourself in a new job then I wouldn't go back, and I guess your grandfather wouldn't expect you to. Most of the elderly I have known are very pragmatic: once you're gone, you're gone, and the funeral doesn't mean anything to the dead. ...... So how concerned are you that your relatives will be upset at you for not going?

markonline1

Not concerned about the relatives. Mum has said she doesn't expect me to come back, and everyone seems so happy that we made it back with my little one before he died that they won't think any less of me. To be honest, that's at the back of my mind anyway. I'm more concerned about me not going and then spending years regretting it.
Horace, my employer seems pretty good, especially compared to the last one I had. It's just in the back of my mind that with the second week of August being their busiest time of the year, by a mile, I'll look like a wanker for bailing. Unfortunately, I live in an area where most people work in either fast food joints or hotels. I did the latter for 2 years, I really don't want to be forced to go back into that industry.

Nutmegger

When my father died over thirty years ago I didn't know what to do. It was my mother who told me not to return to the UK for the funeral. She said she was surrounded by people, she was busy making the arrangements, and she would rather that I save my vacation time and air fare to be with her in a few months time when she would be feeling very alone. So at the time of the funeral I took a couple of hours off from work and went and sat in Saint Patrick's in NYC and remembered my father.

markonline1

I like this idea. A lot. Thanks for posting.

cxx

My condolences on the death of your granddad.

When my grandmother died I was due to return to university before the funeral and my parents and granddad all told me I should go and not worry about returning for the funeral. As others have said the funeral in many ways is for those left behind - it's a way of saying goodbye, but it's only one of many ways and you can choose your way.

I do agree with the comment about not working for a company who would not grant compassionate leave, but understand your circumstances, however at the moment it's what you think may happen as oppose to actual fact. Maybe mentioning it to your manager and seeing what they say is the way to go.

petitefrancaise

I am so sorry for your loss markonline1.

If I may...
stop second guessing what your employer might say and just ask for the time to go.

with best wishes
k

scrubbedexpat091

If you want to go, talk to your employer, I've had some bad employers before but all were considerate and willing to permit an employee some time off for a death in the family. Just part of life, deaths can't be planned and employers generally understand.

When my grandfather died, I was 2 months into a new job right before Christmas, but the company I was with once I talked to them had no issues with my having time off for it, they even gave me confirmed seats on flights to get there. (was an airline) If you want to go, tell your employer, I cannot imagine they would be difficult over it. Not like your asking for vacation time to take a leisure trip.

Now if it were me and that amount of travel involved, I'd only go for parents or siblings and not go for other family members, but everyone is different.


Sorry for your loss, my condolences.

markonline1

Thanks, good advice all.

scrubbedexpat097

Sorry to hear your news

As well as taking time off it will also probably be a very expensive trip. Last minute tickets this time of the year can be outrageous.

So think about this, grandad wouldn't want you to jepordise your job or to put you through financial pressure. The suggestion of taking some time to say your own private goodbye somewhere quiet is very good. We did the same when my sister in law died and then a few months after her funeral my brother arranged a memorial service for her that was easier for us to fly home to. Maybe your family could do something similar.

Pulaski

With a cremation the ashes can be buried or scattered at any time, months, or even years,
after the funeral. Perhaps that is something that could be arranged for a time when Mark is back in the UK?

Boomhauer

Yeah eff the job if they can't understand. It's your grandad and you say you were close, so it isn't even a matter of consideration; you'll keep kickin yourself if you choose the job.

markonline1

Its not quite that simple unfortunately. I'll speak to the boss tomorrow to sound them out, but the job market here is poor. I'm never gonna earn mega bucks living where I do, but I'm currently doing a job I really enjoy. I'd prefer not to just walk away if I can help it. I'm not that religious, but I really like the idea of attending the local church just to collect my thoughts, and remember one of the biggest influences of my life. That suggestion is exactly why I started this thread