Well you have recognised me, and what I will be wearing for the party!
Having Christmas get together at my daughters, and her/our camping friends to-night, they are all 25 years younger than us - but will give them a run for their money. 'noffi and a bottle of red! bring it on!!
delivering Christmas pressies tomorrow!!!

Have a look at this if you can open the file, it might work, it might not:

H.

brilliant -!!! put on the child who was disappointed!

A SHORT FAIRY STORY



Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

HOW TO AVOID SWINE FLU
To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.



Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.



Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.



Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,


take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.



Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.



Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?


Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh.....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'



Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much

Pity I can't put in the animations

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Patel's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Patel
says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.

But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, what happened?

"His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Patel?"

An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside a cinema, they had been queuing for three weeks to see "closed for winter".

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so
little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New
house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."

When her two teen-aged daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband,Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

EXERCISE FOR 50 AND OLDER –

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...





Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.

Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece
material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus.

Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.

Jingle Bells


Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on.

The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use
only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of
larger proportions.

Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering
their fields.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would
request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will
be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken
against those found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including
suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation
takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please
note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road,
Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles.

The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and
would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment
upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his
equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks
for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camel feet.


Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed - *

This is definitely one for Social Services!*

Merry Christmas one and all from PC Britian :

Love, Daff

Thank you Daff, enjoyed that a lot

all very good and unfortunatly becomeing true. what a world we live in now! pity dave alan the comedian isnt with us anymore. ( remember him )? he would have had a field day.

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the South side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .....

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....






Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'