commander

Subject: Compendium of Tommy Cooper jokes ...
>
>
> 1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key...'
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
> in.
>
> 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
> 10 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
> 'Is it common?'
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed,
> is there anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?'
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
> up my backside.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Don't you start.'
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
> There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
>
> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice.'
>
> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
> several places'
> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
>
> 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
> and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
> number to climb as digging continues into the night

ann m

Thank you for that. I've read them or heard them all before, but they still have me crying with laughter

lionheart

All of them were new to me. Especially liked the Tom Jones joke...

Norm_uk

Fantastic - now how about some Rodney Dangerfield one liners too?

N.

lionheart

And how about some from the Gordon Brown repertoire?

Max the Dog

Saw this woman sunbathing on the beach the other day.......I said: this'll make you brown........she said: what is it.....I said gravy!!

Norm_uk

Does he do stand up?

I thinking more stuff like this:

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home".

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "

N.

FlirtyKnickers

Fantastic, cheers for that...you've made my day!

Love 19 btw!