British Expats - old tommy cooper classics..

Subject: Compendium of Tommy Cooper jokes ...
>
>
> 1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key...'
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't find any.
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
> in.
>
> 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
> 10 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
> head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
> 'Is it common?'
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed,
> is there anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?'
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
> up my backside.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Don't you start.'
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
> There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
>
> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice.'
>
> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
> several places'
> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
>
> 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
> and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
> number to climb as digging continues into the night