Diddion

This really exercises me, as we approach our relocation to Portugal. Any thoughts or advice on this, or positive/negative experiences, would be much appreciated. Thanks.

ouriquejan

When we told our family, which included parents, parents in laws, children and grandchildren that we were thinking of moving abroad (as in, well, we're doing it) they all said - go fro it.

I thinkit depends on how close/close-knit you are as a family.

Yes, we're reasonably close, but we have never lived each others lives.

Our "children" have and were brought up to be independent, think for themselves and enjoy their own lives.

In the 12 years we've been here, eldest son and his children have visited once, although his eldest daughter came over a year or so ago, on her own. Middle son has been 3 times, youngest son not at all and daughter 3 times.

We have friends who go back to England 4 or more times of the year.

Well, that's fine, if you have the money and another house over there. We don't. We're on a fairly limited budget - and paying over 2,0005 for a weeks "holiday" in England doesn't interest either of us.

As an aside, we've not seen, in the flesh, our youngest grandson, although we did see him, via skype, within 2 hours of his birth. Not something we would have seen/done in England.

No doubt some would say we're not a close family, no, we're not in that sense, but the phone is always there and we'd both - like a shot - be back in England in case of emergency. As they would over here.

We're happy as a family, but each to their own.

Diddion

Thanks for this. My experience when my father moved to Spain was quite painful, really. Pre Skype and internet, and he came over to the UK every year or two, and my (then) wife, children and I couldn’t afford to go there for 15 years. Our current budget is set such that we hope to be able to pay their travel for at least 5 years from money set aside after house sale and purchase.

ouriquejan

When I say children, the eldest is now 50, the youngest is 40. Whoops, she'll kill me, 39

We paid for middle son, wife and 2 children to come over, but only once.

When they were here, my lovely father in law died and we couldn't afford to pay for all of us to go to the funeral, so we arranged to go to a local church, at the time of the funeral, to pay our respects there.

Husband looked into going over on his own, but the time of flights etc etc, just didn't work. He'd have been there for 4 days, minimum.

We're all different, no doubt tomorrow we'll have other opinions about how we live our lives.

Diddion

Yes, my three are 36 to 43, but when with me they do revert, somewhat!

tonisdad

Ours are back and forth all the time. Visits are planned around flight costs which are very little compared to say UK train costs.
Of course if the Grandchildren are School age it can be more expensive.

captainflack

I live here with my wife and two small kids. I've lived overseas most of my adult life, despite growing up in the UK all my life until then. Portugal is hopefully our final stop now we have kids, we want them to have stability. I am just happier when I am not living in the UK, and my parents understand that.

My twin brother emigrated to the USA couple of years back, and seems happy there too.

It means my parents are in the UK without both their kids. They are welcome to visit us as often as they want, which means 3-4 times per year. Previously we were in Dubai, so the proximity of Portugal makes it easier.

I think it has to be more about quality time than just time. When my parents come, we have 10-14 days together, and they spend lots of time with the kids. This year, they're proposing we all go to disneyland paris.

There are times when the distance is hard. My wife is from Brazil, her dad has been ill for couple of years and died between xmas and new year. That trip is too much to do regularly, both in terms of time and cost.

But I think once kids are adults, your obligations are less to them, and you can choose where you want to be. And it works the other way - if your adult kids want to emigrate, that's their decision and you need to support it. My parents understand my life is far better here and they see how happy the kids are. And we have good times, go to the beach and spend much more time outside than we would in the UK.

My dad's brother has had an apartment here for many years, and has now decided to move here permanently, and has sold his apartment in the UK. But I am not sure my parents would want to live here.

The thing is to enjoy life where you want to be, and if you're happy, your family should be happy. We're fortunate my parents are fit and financially able to travel, but we know at some point it won't be like that. Just have to make the best of life while you can.

GeniB

This is a hard one Diddion... I'm afraid you really will have to bite the bullet and accept that your relationships might well change dramatically...
When we moved to the Netherlands 30 + yrs ago,we blithely expected that we would see the family back in the UK ' quite regularly' and they would reciprocate by visiting us..indeed we had hardly been there 3 weeks when the first lot arrived.. ( actually not very convenient as we were still finding our feet and they were in 'holiday mode )

We saw one or two more throughout that first summer.... Not my father however who flatly refused to come. That was about it though.
After that it was up to us to keep in contact and do the visiting.for many yrs..Like you even paying for nieces and nephews to visit . Until I had a 'light bulb' moment and realised that we were spending all our holidays and thousand of euro's in returning to see people who had basically cut the cord the minute we left,
If I thought it was just me and my family who experienced this,a poll amongst British ex-pat friends revealed that it was a very common thing. ( ironically not so amongst American,Australian,and Canadian ex-pats..who kept in close touch and visited regularly )
In a nutshell we were the ones who had done the leaving.It was therefore entirely up to us to keep up the relationship.
My kids moved on after Uni.. One to London,one to America.They could never afford the airfares to visit,so we paid for those for yrs.
Now I have a new baby granddaughter and the distances between us are huge. I know that once again it will be up to me to keep in touch. A young family can't afford such expensive airfares.
If you are prepared to pay for your family to visit you then its the best you can do.We can't legislate for 'feelings' though. As you get older family becomes more important,perhaps as you realise that they are what life is all about really.

Diddion

Thank you, everyone, for your realistic and honest posts. Clearly, there will be changes, and I suspect we will experience a fair bit of pain, from time to time. And it was particularly useful to hear from GeniB that since we are the ones taking the step away, then there could be an expectation that it will be down to us to sort it all out.