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Old Jun 5th 2015, 3:47 pm   #76
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Default re: Me and My Family

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Thanks for your advice and support mikemike. The problem with her is that she will not talk about it or any other issues she may have. She is still saying nothing is wrong but has a face like a lost orphan in the snow. Sadly, in the past when we have issues it is the same scenario and ends with her posting something on fb which reflects badly on me. That is unacceptable in my view and I then issue ultimatums which ends with floods of tears and everything is good again. No way can I back down on this. I can turn my back and go elsewhere.
Seems to me that you have to tough it up a bit. My, admittedly limited, experience of relationships with these "exotic birds" is that you earn no respect without demanding it. It's tiresome and sometimes depressing but they need to be brought to heel and you need to do it on a monotously regular basis.

If you've let this ride hoping it would get better you're going to have a tremendous struggle to get this back on the rails, but it's not impossible.

Once trained, they make perfect pets

++IVV

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Old Jun 5th 2015, 4:28 pm   #77
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Default re: Me and My Family

I can see where this is leading. Your Gf should have been upfront from day one. I think you are being used as a ATM and would not volunteer to pay the sisters tuition fees etc. Like I have just mentioned you GF should have told you about this before you made any commitments.
You should also note that in my opinion education is a complete waste of money in the Phills. The colleges are there to make a profit and they never tell their students they have virtually no chance of getting a job, even with 10 degrees. Save your money.
If I were you, if you get anymore demands for money, get on the nearest form of transport and get out. If your looking for female companionship you will soon find many takers......................to most you are a good catch. Only next time follow the advice given by others and learn from your experience.

Best of Luck,

Mike

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Old Jun 5th 2015, 11:29 pm   #78
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Default re: Me and My Family

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Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas View Post
Seems to me that you have to tough it up a bit. My, admittedly limited, experience of relationships with these "exotic birds" is that you earn no respect without demanding it. It's tiresome and sometimes depressing but they need to be brought to heel and you need to do it on a monotously regular basis.

If you've let this ride hoping it would get better you're going to have a tremendous struggle to get this back on the rails, but it's not impossible.

Once trained, they make perfect pets

++IVV
Pinays are people, not pets to be taken as a trophy. Many do have issues that are culturally far from our reality.

They are still their own people, if we choose to live here then it is up to us to find a way of fitting in. Should that not prove possible, we can then dig out our passports and leave.

I never demanded anything from my wife, she is no 'pet'. Yes, we have had cultural issues and after 12 years we still do!! just not as often or repetitive.


I never expected to see a moderator post such drivel

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Old Jun 6th 2015, 5:26 am   #79
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Default re: Me and My Family

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Originally Posted by mikemike View Post
Pinays are people, not pets to be taken as a trophy. Many do have issues that are culturally far from our reality.

They are still their own people, if we choose to live here then it is up to us to find a way of fitting in. Should that not prove possible, we can then dig out our passports and leave.

I never demanded anything from my wife, she is no 'pet'. Yes, we have had cultural issues and after 12 years we still do!! just not as often or repetitive.


I never expected to see a moderator post such drivel
Sorry if I've offended you mikemike. The inclusion of a smiley after a sentence is to indicate it is said tongue-in-cheek. But I can see you're sensitive on this issue so I'll lay off.

++IVV

PS Moderators are not any different to you guys - we're all allowed to post drivel

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Old Jun 6th 2015, 11:02 am   #80
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Default re: Me and My Family

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Originally Posted by springsteen11 View Post
Nice reply Stokkevn! I will bear that in mind if the need arises.

Gf announced this morning that her family has to move house again because the house they are renting is being sold. She and her father think it would be a wonderful idea if I bought them a house going for sale at 250k so they never need move again. Her father would pay something each month for the privilege. I said I do not have the money to buy and indeed I would not be able to own the property. Gf is now in a "huff". Dont like the way this is going.... We will see.
Sounds like you could be going down a stoney road that maybe not worth traveling. You seem to have been with the GF long enough for her to get to know what your requirements are for each month. It might be worth turning the monthly funds over to GF, tell her she can do the accounts, budget and spending from now on and if she can save then that can go towards parents accommodation, but you have to be up front as to what you expect beer, food type, socialising, comfort etc including saving to emergency/holiday funds etc. If she runs out, do not dip into the emergency fund.

I have kept my wife updated on your saga and replies to, even she said today, looks like it might be time to cut and run, and that is from a woman who got me to build her parents a house in Manila even before I even met them, but I was working then and money did not really matter.

Good luck whatever you do, most of us here have been through the same or similar and come out the other side reasonably unscathed and some even a little wiser.

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Old Jun 7th 2015, 1:29 am   #81
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Default re: Me and My Family

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Originally Posted by Stokkevn View Post

Sounds like you could be going down a stoney road that maybe not worth traveling. You seem to have been with the GF long enough for her to get to know what your requirements are for each month. It might be worth turning the monthly funds over to GF, tell her she can do the accounts, budget and spending from now on and if she can save then that can go towards parents accommodation, but you have to be up front as to what you expect beer, food type, socialising, comfort etc including saving to emergency/holiday funds etc. If she runs out, do not dip into the emergency fund.

I have kept my wife updated on your saga and replies to, even she said today, looks like it might be time to cut and run, and that is from a woman who got me to build her parents a house in Manila even before I even met them, but I was working then and money did not really matter.

Good luck whatever you do, most of us here have been through the same or similar and come out the other side reasonably unscathed and some even a little wiser.


may I say how honest you have been on posting your experiences. It is an object lesson to others thinking life over here is paradise incorporated! I agree 100% with Stokkevn on giving her a budget , the only thing i would add is to sit down with her, list all the monthly fixed expenses, add something for extras etc but tell her that any bill not paid on time means that you will have to reconsider your relationship - or similar words. I certainly would not pay her sisters so called tuition fees. How would her sister have funded them otherwise? Ah, yes, your GF would go work to pay them for her! In other words, her sister is more important than you. Imagine back in UK if your wife/GF said she was off to work to pay her sisters university fees, bet you'd have something to say about that!
Good luck, hope it works out OK , but don't lay out anymore for the family. It'll just keep going until you're broke and then you'll likely find your GF goes back to her Filipino boyfriend.
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Old Jun 7th 2015, 1:42 am   #82
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Default re: Me and My Family

This thread is becoming similar to a British soap ... Coronation St!

Alls well in the household now after I brought matters to a head. She had been moping about most of the day in the bedroom with a face similar to that of a bulldog that had been stung by a wasp. Told her that I thought she should start looking for another foreigner with a bigger ATM than me. This had the desired effect. I then had a weeping pinay on my hands which really distresses me but she apologised and has been her usual loving, caring self again. Even got a cooked breakfast next morning which is a rarity.

Off to Bacolod tomorrow to pay 30k for the education fees and to arrange weekly support of 1k. I understand what has been said about the worth of educational qualifications in phils, but as my gf has been paying for the past 2 years I could not really abandon her in her last year of study. I should reiterate that my gf has been supporting her family whilst working in Kuwait for the past 4 years and she can no longer do that. So I knew the score in that sense. But not to what extent. She has always been willing to pay her fair share on our family outings and is quite benevolent with her money. As she said once....if God has given you a gift, (money), then you must share it.

So, its all happy families again but I do wonder what is around the corner....especially after I pay out 30k tomorrow.

Chatting to her father yesterday and he showed me what he earns on a scribbled piece of paper. It was 1.9k last month. I wonder if that is a hint or something! However, gf has promised that there will be no more hidden surprises and she will not seek employment away from home. We will see.

As a final note, I am very surprised by the strength of family loyalties out here. If push came to shove and she had to chose between family and me, I know who would be the loser. But there again, I have only lived with her for about 10 weeks.

That's all for now. Happy days!

Thanks all for your inputs and advice..... most gratifying for your support.

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Old Jun 7th 2015, 4:44 am   #83
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Default re: Me and My Family

I am loving this thread - such entertainment - and all for free - well possibly not for springsteen11

It seems to be the culture of most Asian countries that family comes first and "family" in an Asian context comprises quite a large group extending out to uncles and aunts.

A husband, especially farang, will feel quite a long way down the pecking order and the burden of supporting so many people without too many expressions of gratitude can be quite tiresome.

Glad you're getting back some control here - every day opens up new possibilities (for both of you).
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Old Jun 7th 2015, 5:55 am   #84
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<<< long way down the pecking order >>>> Too right! Her family appears to come first and at this stage probably rightly so. However I do get miffed when she organises something and I am the last to know. I have talked to her about this and we are slowly coming to an understanding. Met a couple of her friends the other day and I wasn't even introduced. Her friend could speak good English but instead asked her in Tagalog where I came from. Then they chatted at length and I was completely ignored and no-one explained what was being said. I took the old and trusty route of going walkabout to find the nearest bar and sank a few ales with the company of a few female staff who took an interest in me. Gf came looking for me and I had to explain yet again why I went walkabout. I was a bit worse for wear!

I believe she is 100% genuine. But there again, I bet a few people have said that before me. She gave up her job in Kuwait which was a very difficult decision as she loved her employers and the 8 month old baby she was caring for. She wants to marry, settle down and have kids which at her age of 33 is understandable. The problem is as I see it is that she wants the best for her family which she has supported financially for many many years and wants the best for us. We are trying to find the right balance. She is loving, caring and attentive and will do most anything for me. I am sure that everything will work out for us .... but there again, I am sure you all have heard that before.

Thought I should also mention that I cannot always get on this forum to make any replies etc because once she sees me typing on my lap-top she is quickly perched on my shoulder. She is asleep next to me after cooking a lovely meal and been up since 5.00 am. Bless her.

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Old Jun 7th 2015, 10:25 am   #85
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Default re: Me and My Family

I am sure you never intended that your life would be a soap opera for a voyeuristc few.

I will refrain posting here if you post something that in effects ask for an opinion I will do that by Pm. You can then decide if you want to copy and paste anything to the BB for public consumption, I am ok with that.

All the very best

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Old Jun 7th 2015, 10:43 am   #86
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But this is a forum and we're all anonymous. Coming here is like going to the pub for a few beers - much better than staying at home sending emails. Despite all your daily grief, springsteen11, would you really rather be anywhere else on this planet?

BTW I would have gone to the bar too and if gf has a problem with this, then she should have come and got you a bit quicker before you drank too many
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Old Jun 7th 2015, 2:18 pm   #87
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Certainly would not call it a daily grief. For the most part we have a loving relationship and we are both trying to come to grips with different cultures and priorities. I can see her point of view and she can see mine (eventually). I am at a disadvantage because I am alone here trying to integrate into her family whereas she has her family around her. My only support for advice and support is through this forum for which I am grateful.

It does not concern me that this has become a soap opera for a voyeuristc few. Others taking the same steps as me may learn something from this.

Would I prefer to be any where else on the planet? no...of course not. I love the life here. She has a strong allegiance to her family and wants to do the best for them as she has done in the past. I respect that and love her for that. I have grown to love her family and enjoy having them around. When we go around to her families house all the kids there give me a kiss and a hug. Her father and mother shakes my hand. Never had that in the uk. Yes....life here is special and different. And so is she.

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Old Jun 8th 2015, 5:44 am   #88
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Great to hear the positives. And how are you enjoying where you are - do you recommend it for retirement? I Googled some photos and it looks idyllic!

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Old Jun 8th 2015, 11:21 am   #89
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No one should feel that they have rumbled by any of the locals. When my mother-in-law was managing her house being built, she kept mentioning that one of the workers was very good, always turned up early to get the tools out and the cement mixer ready and at the end of the day cleaned up and put away all the tools.
I gave my wife a nudge and said to mother-in-law "I bet he joined you for breakfast and supper then".
"Yes" she said, long pause - sound of penny dropping "Cheeky so & so, we paid him a full day rate, gave him breakfast, supper and the occasional beer as well"
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Old Jun 8th 2015, 10:40 pm   #90
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I mentioned that I was going to pay the 30k tuition fee for gf sister who is on her last year of study on a I.T. course at college. Gf had paid the previous 2 years. I also said I would pay 1k each week living allowance and 1k pm for boarding. The 30k was a discounted rate if paid up front instead of 48k in monthly instalments.

This is what happened....and my "conspiracy mind" attitude toward paying money out here came into play.

It is a 6 hour round journey to the college and gf and I went yesterday morning getting up at 3.00 am. My plan was to go there... hand over the money personally and get an official receipt. This did not happen. We went to the cashiers office and after a small wait gf paid about 2k I think. I asked what about the rest and she said we have to go to another 2 cashiers at the college because the money is paid for different items but the balance will come to 30k. I thought what a crazy way of doing things but ...ok, this is the Philippines. The queue for the 2nd cashier was huge so we decided to do some shopping in town (Bacolod). Later that afternoon gf gets phone call from sister to say that the 3rd cashier had not turned up and therefore we could not complete the whole transaction today and therefore pointless to return to college to join the queue for the second cashier. I said we will come back the next day but as it was a 6 hour round journey with no guarantees that the cashier will turn up gf was not happy about making another trip. It was suggested that I use a bank here the next day (today) and transfer the money that way to pay the fees. I was not happy because I wanted to see the money go to the college with a receipt. My brain started thinking whether this was a scam and all or part of the money will find its way back to her family. Gf said sister will receive a receipt for the money and show me when she next visits Sipalay. So, this is what I will do. The question is this.... I trust my gf 100%. Am I right to do so?!!

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