Genesis

Of course its a symptom, totally agree. She meet her new lover within 3 weeks of me 'outing' her re her feelings, she had agreed however to give our marriage 6 months with professional guidance. She said she was not prepared to throw in 13 years of marriage, but she met Mike 2 in that 3 wk time frame. Thus all bets were off, the guidance only lasted 3 sessions and she was off, admitting it was all about her and was very selfish.

She did tell me that she had hatched a plan to leave me when the kids had all turned 18. If you know you are that unhappy why not mention it to your partner????? She was incredibly angry with me and said "you could not leave it alone, you just had to keep on wanting to know what the problem was!"

Of course I did. Talking is one of the ways adults resolve issues!

She always found it very hard to be open about her emotions and spent much of her time in denial about our issues. As I said, I was less than perfect but I was not a total basket case.

I was loving, kind caring and very, very hard working. She used to tell me to take it easy and have 'me time'. Alas I did not listen to her and as I said I ended up psychologically unwell.

My belief is that bar violence, everyone, every marriage deserves a 2nd chance. Yes, as BB suggests I resent that a line was not drawn in the sand and stuff said that needed to be said and that we had the opportunity, to work together as a couple to repair our relationship.

We had been under lots of pressure in the 4 previous years her mother passed away, we lost $135k in the finance meltdown, she was doing a masters (aswell as a full time senior role in the local DHB) and one of our 3 young children was having severe behavioural issues. We had been under so much stress I think we deserved the luxury of another go.

As for my 3 kids since she left? Living with a man they hate, one twin has severe anxiety issues and really bad insomnia, the other has just come out of 6 months of severe anorexia (4 weeks in hospital severe) and the oldest boy (who has intelligence beyond belief) is failing at school and has become very withdrawn. The cost of divorce, as the judge put it, the scourge of humanity.

Genesis

Very sorry to hear that you were so troubled for so long. I have huge respect for you in that you tried so hard, as we all should, especially when there are children in the mix to attempt to put wrongs right.

Pulaski

Well the "meeting" may have already taken place; I "meet" dozens of women every week, at work, on the bus, in the grocery, etc., but that doesn't mean I am about to leave my wife.

The "fall in love" only takes a moment, assuming it is between two willing parties.

The planning might be the longest part, but given that many divorces turn into train wrecks, I suspect that there isn't much time devoted to planning either.

In short, I suspect that one argument too many, one disagreement over money, or a visit to the in-laws and Suzie goes to work and invites Bob in accounts payable, who she has known for ages, for lunch, and Suzie's marriage is immediately on the slippery slope to ruin.

ETA: Genesis posted #16 while I was writing the above. It seems that three weeks is more than long enough.

movingtonewzealand

Some women have an issue with house husbands. There's been a bit of research into it that although great in theory for whatever reason, women have an underlying resentment of men that stay at home.

I'm not saying this was the reason of course, I have no idea, but I've known a couple of women first hand in that situation that come to resent their hubby, even though it may have been the wives' decision in the first place!

Genesis

Thank you for your kind words Ssky. It took me 2 years to emerge from a very long tunnel. The marital home took almost 2 years to sell and that was the real turning point for me. Since moving in here, about 6 months later I met my current partner.

She is very intelligent, kind and we have what could be described as a perfect relationship. Which is nice. You start thinking it is all about you when you are left and that you are totally useless to any one and that no one would ever want to have a meaningful relationship with you ever again.

I now know it was not just about me, it was more, much more about her. And her saying this made me realise she never really ever engaged with me emotionally (I worshipped her by contrast). She said "You could have been perfect and I still would have left you." Says it all really.

On another point, my kids adore Sue. I could not be with someone who my kids don't like. Many other people have mooted this too. Yet my ex is very happy with Mike 2 in spite of the fact that my kids loathe him.

I have made strenuous efforts to improve the relationship with him and my kids but again the ex is in denial and does not see a problem. History does repeat itself you know.

Genesis

My lord!!! I think you have summed up perfectly what went down!!! You are indeed most perceptive.

Genesis

You too are right. I have been out with one since and my current partner's sister cannot bear that I do not work as yet.

However my ex did not resent it one bit. She was by and large a very easy going reasonable person when we were married. I adored her. Just wish, back in April 2013 she had given us and the kids a chance to set things right. But if she did not engage with me as I think, and my adoration for her was not reciprocated perchance it would never have worked. But, atleast i could have had some closure.

Dorothy

Please don't get me wrong, Genesis. I'm not saying that she was right to leave when you clearly wanted to work on your marriage. I can only speak from my own experience of living with my ex husband for probably 10 years too long. I tried to tell him dozens of ways that I was unhappy but the message wasn't heard. He was actually surprised when I said I was leaving.

I'm glad you met someone who makes you happy. I too have a new partner who is very different to my ex - we do lots of fun things together. His children love me (and I love them) and my daughter thinks he's great.

Genesis

That's good to hear Dot. I am very different to my ex's partner. He is cerebral beyond belief and very quiet. I am neither! I guess whilst I was in the main very much in love with her the feelings were not reciprocated.

I can deal with being left, even though it took 2 years to come out the other end, I just feel endlessly for my children and what this has meant for them. I will always feel guilty, ashamed and so full of remorse for my part in the inability for their parents to have an enduring relationship. Poor kids deserve so much better than what we dished up.

Dorothy

Trust me. I know all about guilt and shame when it comes to children. But I think you have to learn that there are some things that you can not control no matter how much you want to and you have to let go of the negative feelings. You were, and are the best father you can be. That is the most important thing in the children's lives.

I have had a bit of counseling since my son's death and one of the main things that I learned is that I have to stop blaming myself for others' choices. It felt odd at first but accepting that I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings has helped me tremendously. Love your children, but love yourself too.

Genesis

Sage words Dot, very sage. Have a wonderful weekend where ever you are.

Peace.