NikkiB03

Hi, I've been reading the posts on here on and off for the last two years or so, wrestling with my thoughts about where to live and figured it was about time I posted myself.

My husband and I moved to NZ on a working holiday visa. The intention was just to give it a go and see how we got on. Aside from a few trips home for our wedding and the weddings on my siblings, and for Christmas just gone, we've been here 7 years now. We've had two little kiwis of our own here and life is generally pretty good.
The problem is that I have always felt homesick, from about two months in. My husband has settled great and has a great career out here in IT and, aside from worrying about his ageing parents, doesn't really want to go home. I on the other hand, do. I almost constantly miss my family. I have a big family and all my siblings live within a three minute drive of my parents and grandparents. Being out here with no family support is too hard. We have some great friends, almost all of whom are Brits too, and the friends we had at home have moved on and got on with their lives. I just feel my children deserve to know their family, they have cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents who are missing out on them and it was so apparent when we visited at Christmas. My husband and I talked a lot about going back permanently when we were home and decided that we should. But since returning to NZ in January, the plan seems to have fallen by the wayside as we've got back into the humdrum of everyday life. We still talk about it but now we've settled back in, it seems a daunting task. Our eldest child is now four and I feel that if we don't make the move back soon, he'll be sucked into the NZ education system and it'll just get harder and harder to move back.

I'm terrified that things and people have moved on and that we won't fit in. While we were visiting over Christmas it felt great to be back but I was very aware we were the 'novelty' and day to day life would be very different. I've read a lot of the comments on here about how it takes time to adjust and that it is hard to settle 'back' and that you should think of it as the next step rather than 'going back', but I just feel frozen with fear and unable to commit to going, but at the same time I'm desperate to be home - if that makes any sense!
My husband is also worried about getting a job. He has a great job here and is concerned that he's struggle to find something as good at home. I'm a teacher and in the process of working through my provisional registration, which would also be messed up if we went home before I complete my two years in 12 months time. The problem is, I don't know whether I can wait that long.

I guess essentially I'm looking for some advice on making the decision before my head explodes!

Thanks

Spacecake799

Hi,
Everybodys needs and wants are different so I can only tell you how I found things and how it felt moving home.
Our children were older than yours when we arrived the youngest being 7. We enjoyed our life in Auckland but money was always an issue and we never could have afforded a trip home with 3 children. Our families are very small and couldn't visit so it was just us. I realized fairly early on that I didn't want to stay there forever as that would mean not seeing our families and never experiencing Europe etc due to the cost. My husband was perfectly happy in his work and as he worked full time everything seemed great to him but I was bored. About 3 years in things came to a head and I said I thought we should go home. After the initial shock he agreed but refused to go back to our home town in the midlands.
Well it took 3 years before we could leave. It most definitely felt like it was so much harder to go back than when we went. It would have been so easy to just stay in NZ and deal with things but by that time we really wanted to go home. We finally left after six years. We literally watched an episode of Location Location saw an area that looked nice in North Yorkshire checked out schools and rented a house. I can honestly say we have never looked back, for us we love it, I'm sure others will say different.
I definitely felt I was not willing to never see my family again and that's what it would have come down to.
Good luck with your decision and ask away with any questions.

brits1

Hi,

I think you are not alone with all your thoughts, I went through the same thing over and over for a long time and it can drive you mad. To be honest though we were close to our families but did not live in each others pockets we missed the U.K and Europe and I missed seeing my Dad (although he did visit us a lot in Aus) and my Dad was getting older, we all wanted to return home (Oh & two sons) but I was the one in the end who had some doubts as I just worried about everything you mentioned because life in Aus was okay. We did return home and to a different area we were a bit restricted as we needed to be in commutable distance of Manchester for our eldest University (he wanted to live at home with us) so we had a good look around and decided on the peak district. some friends had moved on (after nearly 14 years we had to really) but making new ones has been nice, we see our family when its family "do's" etc and I pop down to see my MIL for a coffee etc, my Dad passed away nearly 5 weeks ago now and I have dearly loved my time with it. We have travelled to lots of places around Europe and our two sons are doing well one is still at Uni and the other finished his degree two years ago now...time fly's by so for us it was worth all my stressing. What I would say is life is really a fast bus (as my Dad use to say and gets faster as you get older lol) if your not truly happy where you are now after the time you have been away then come home, maybe try a slightly different area so it's another new adventure the U.K is fairly commutable so you can journey to see your family, I would see where the best chance of your husband getting a job, best schools and what you NOW like for your lifestyle it may of changed after years of being in NZ. Good luck with everything taking the first steps is the hardest I found but it also is a way forward as well.

bakedbean

The bit in bold above sort of popped out loud for me.

Lots to think about before you make such a big (and costly) move. Do you speak to your family on skype, or one of the other visual media? Appreciate that the time difference is a bit difficult, but may help a bit if you're chatting regularly with them.

NikkiB03

Thanks for your replies. Spacecake, I love how you decided where to live from an episode of Location Location Location! That's showing here on a Friday evening before Coronation street, which probably isn't helping with the homesickness! It's so good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way - a lot of my British friends over here seem so content with their lives here that I often feel alone. And Brits1, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. This is a big fear of mine too, missing out on precious time with older family members. I'm glad you got to have that. And yes, bakedbean, we chat regularly with our families on Skype. However when we've mentioned the possibility of coming home with them, they think we're mad, telling us we're "better off over here" and that "this place is going to the dogs" which isn't very helpful. And can't be that true considering they're all happily still there! I think they would actually be delighted if we came back, but think life's better out here. That old "NZ is paradise" belief.

Snap Shot

I can relate to your situation i.e. kiwi husband. Any prospective move back to the UK is the sum of all fears.

However, for me, it's not enough to be cowering in New Zealand to scared of the consequences of moving back to Britain to actually move back to Britain.

Moses2013

Regarding jobs in IT, depending on location your husband shouldn't have an issue finding a job. In Ireland myself and we're always looking for qualified staff, but I would say it's no different in the UK. He can look online and most companies would do a video interview if the person is living abroad. No matter where you end up in the UK (if at all:-), anywhere is closer than New Zealand.

Spacecake799

It depends what your husband does in IT but mine also works in that field.

not2old

I have c&p'd your original opening post & in doing so, I have moved your paragraphs around into make it fit in places. I have not changed or deleted anything that you originally posted

life is good in NZ stay put

Because you made a trip home its normal to get sentimental, nostalgic, emotional & for a short time after 'homesick'. It was a holiday, you had a great time. You do know that living & working in a place is totally different than a holiday

Life is good in NZ, stay put

you have two choices

1. stay put, life is good in NZ - the UK is not the same place you left when you didn't have kids. Have the relatives come visit more.

2. Sell the farm, uproot the kids, give up all that is NZ, your home, his job & start fresh as immigrants in the UK, finding your way, trying to find jobs & places to live that you will ALWAYS compare to NZ

NiHao

It is a daunting task going back, lots of us here can relate to how overwhelming the move can feel and the second guessing that goes on, over and over again.

None of us can have everything, either you stay in NZ with all that it offers you and your family, your husbands great job etc. or you move home and enjoy all that has to offer. We only live once and it can't be in two places at the same time. Picture yourself in 5, 10, 15, 20 plus years, first if those years are in NZ and then if they are lived in the UK. Which life speaks to you more?

You are correct that it gets harder to make these kinds of moves once you have children and as those children get older. It is also hard to be far away from aging parents. There are many posts on the forum that speak to these two issues.

Right now you are in limbo, unsure whether to stay or move and the only way that horrible feeling will stop is when you make a decision and then actually act on it, be that to stay or go.

Reading your post to me it sounds like you know you want to go home and just have to take a deep breath and get on with it but then I may just be projecting!

Good luck with it all and let us know what you end up deciding to do.

BEVS

Very , very tough. Especially when one of you is settled and one is not.

I have a couple of questions for you if you're still about.

I read you came out on a working holiday visa. Was that with the aim to permanently stay?

Out of the two of you, who was the driving force to remain permanently?
You speak of your own family but not of your husband's. I have marked that you returned back to marry and have made several trips over the past 7 years. That's actually a heck of a lot .

Have you a full time contract as a teacher in NZ ? I'm aware that teaching jobs are very hard to come by.

On another note, you must set aside what your family in the UK think about your NZ life. They do not know and do not walk in your shoes. The same goes for folk you know in NZ.

NikkiB03

Thanks all, some good points and questions. NiHao your idea of thinking years ahead was a good one thanks. And you're right, we're completely in limbo.
And thanks for your questions BEVS and to answer them - no, the plan was to come here for a couple of years and then see how we felt. We were both in agreement to apply for PR but since our kids have arrived, I've been the one who's wanted to leave.
Hubby has a much smaller family - just his parents and a sister who he doesn't really keep in touch with. And yes, I have a good teaching job.
I'm very aware that on paper it sounds like we're set here, with good jobs and the kids happy and that, but that's exactly why it's such a dilemma for us :/