Crap jokes
Oct 8th 2008, 8:11 pm
#121
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Regina Beach, Saskatchewan
Posts: 3,885
Re: Crap jokes
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began. "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began. "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
Oct 9th 2008, 1:35 am
#122
Banned
Joined: Dec 2005
Location: In Limbo
Posts: 15,706
Re: Crap jokes
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began. "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began. "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
Oct 9th 2008, 1:36 am
#123
Sawdust making harpy
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Alberta
Posts: 11,291
Re: Crap jokes
rofl good one
Oct 9th 2008, 2:16 am
#124
Fluffy Dippindoodle
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: Newfoundland at last!
Posts: 908
Re: Crap jokes
A farmer from the North East of Scotland goes into Aberdeen to buy a present for his wife's birthday. He manages to get the help of an assistant in Marks and Spencers who suggests some nice underwear.
When they find a set they like, the assistant asks for the farmer's wifes bra size. The farmer looks a bit flummoxed by this, but all of a sudden brightens up. "It's a size 15", he says. The assistant looks confused, "size 15?" he asks. "Yup", says the farmer, "my hat is a 7 and a half and it holds one just perfectly.".
When they find a set they like, the assistant asks for the farmer's wifes bra size. The farmer looks a bit flummoxed by this, but all of a sudden brightens up. "It's a size 15", he says. The assistant looks confused, "size 15?" he asks. "Yup", says the farmer, "my hat is a 7 and a half and it holds one just perfectly.".
Oct 9th 2008, 2:23 am
#125
Lloydminster AB
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: Alberta
Posts: 2,059
Re: Crap jokes
what happens when 2 snails fight?
they slug it out
what is hail?
hard boiled rain
sorry really bad jokes
they slug it out
what is hail?
hard boiled rain
sorry really bad jokes
Nov 4th 2008, 2:54 am
#126
Account Closed
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 26,319
Re: Crap jokes
Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size", asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know"!
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4".
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells "Medium". The guy is mortified and hurries over to pay, and leaves very quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms also, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4, Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size" says the clerk, The kid embarrassingly says, "I've never done this before, I don't know what size".
The clerk sends him to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and says "Clean up in aisle 4"!
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size", asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know"!
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4".
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells "Medium". The guy is mortified and hurries over to pay, and leaves very quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms also, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4, Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size" says the clerk, The kid embarrassingly says, "I've never done this before, I don't know what size".
The clerk sends him to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and says "Clean up in aisle 4"!
Nov 4th 2008, 6:55 am
#127
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Was Brentwood, Essex Now Wasaga Beach, Ontario
Posts: 895
Re: Crap jokes
A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet."
"How does that help?"
"I use your toothbrush."
"I clean the toilet."
"How does that help?"
"I use your toothbrush."
Nov 4th 2008, 3:12 pm
#128
Banned
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: the GTA
Posts: 3,824
Re: Crap jokes
1)Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them."
2)A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
3)A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
4) Top 17 Country Songs
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them."
2)A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
3)A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
4) Top 17 Country Songs
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few
Nov 4th 2008, 3:36 pm
#129
Banned
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: the GTA
Posts: 3,824
Re: Crap jokes
Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Nov 4th 2008, 3:45 pm
#130
Banned
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: the GTA
Posts: 3,824
Re: Crap jokes
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
>
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
************************************************** ****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
>
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
************************************************** ****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
Nov 4th 2008, 3:47 pm
#131
Sawdust making harpy
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Alberta
Posts: 11,291
Re: Crap jokes
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
>
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
************************************************** ****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
>
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ********
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
************************************************** ****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
Nov 4th 2008, 4:08 pm
#133
Account Closed
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 26,319
Re: Crap jokes
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
he was a DWARF!!!
>
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
I think Mandi's just pointing out you know lots of them. I enjoyed them. Thanks.
Nov 4th 2008, 6:43 pm
#135
Banned
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: the GTA
Posts: 3,824
Re: Crap jokes
I told the OH what CaptainHook and Mandy wrote: She said " boy, did they ever open a can of worms".
1) The following are with thanks to Tommy Cooper:-
>>Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>>
>>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>>
>>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>>
>>"Is it common? "
>>
>>"It's not unusual."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>>
>>"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>>
>>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>>
>>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
>>teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>>
>>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>>
>>"No, because he's really heavy"
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>>
>>"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
>>------------------------------------------------------------
>>---------
>>Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I went to the dentist.
>>
>>He said "Say Aaah."
>>
>>I said "Why?"
>>
>>He said "My dog's died.'"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
>>said, 'Who's speaking please?'
>>
>>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I rang up my local swimming baths.
>>
>>I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>>
>>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>>------------------------------
>>---------------------------------------
>>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
>>my house.'
>>
>>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>>people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>>
>>It's either my mum or my dad.
>>
>>Or my older brother Colin.
>>
>>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>>
>>But I think it's Colin.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>>
>>The one I was in went back and forwards.
>>
>>I thought 'This is unusual'.
>>
>>And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing
>>cabinet.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
>>give me a lift?"
>>
>>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this
>>taste funny to you?"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
>>and the other was eating fireworks.
>>
>>They charged one and let the other one off.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
>>
>>So that was nice."
>>------------------------------------------------------------
>>---------
>>A man walked into the doctors,
>>
>>The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
>>
>>The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
>>places"
>>
>>The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
>>
>>He wasn't very happy.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>>find any.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
>>of them would have seen it.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
>>marijuana.............press the hash key..."
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>>
>>He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>>
>>A strong currant pulled him in.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>>
>>He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>>
>>The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>>kayak and heat it.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>>with hundreds and thousands.
>>
>>Police say that he topped himself.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>>
>>The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
__________________________________________________ _______________
2) 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
3) A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choos e to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floo r 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
4) It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
> it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
> as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at
> them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an
> over-sensitive woman.
> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with
> my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became
> necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we
> need.
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
> to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time
> she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly
> always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
> dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and
> just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch
> at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for
> some home cooked food when I get home.
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
> it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
> Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch
> hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
> encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
> That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
> lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is
> one of my strong points.
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
> periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing
> the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the
> house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of
> the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to
> make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as
> she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
> Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many
> men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
> better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
> even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
> ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
> well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other,
> eh?
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
> Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
> screwdriver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches showing.
>
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her
> defence that he accidentally sat on it
1) The following are with thanks to Tommy Cooper:-
>>Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>>
>>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>>
>>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>>
>>"Is it common? "
>>
>>"It's not unusual."
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>>
>>"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>>
>>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>>
>>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
>>teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>>
>>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>>
>>"No, because he's really heavy"
>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>>
>>"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
>>------------------------------------------------------------
>>---------
>>Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I went to the dentist.
>>
>>He said "Say Aaah."
>>
>>I said "Why?"
>>
>>He said "My dog's died.'"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
>>said, 'Who's speaking please?'
>>
>>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I rang up my local swimming baths.
>>
>>I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>>
>>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>>------------------------------
>>---------------------------------------
>>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
>>my house.'
>>
>>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>>people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>>
>>It's either my mum or my dad.
>>
>>Or my older brother Colin.
>>
>>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>>
>>But I think it's Colin.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>>
>>The one I was in went back and forwards.
>>
>>I thought 'This is unusual'.
>>
>>And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing
>>cabinet.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
>>give me a lift?"
>>
>>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this
>>taste funny to you?"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
>>and the other was eating fireworks.
>>
>>They charged one and let the other one off.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
>>
>>So that was nice."
>>------------------------------------------------------------
>>---------
>>A man walked into the doctors,
>>
>>The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
>>
>>The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
>>places"
>>
>>The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
>>
>>He wasn't very happy.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>>find any.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
>>of them would have seen it.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
>>marijuana.............press the hash key..."
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>>
>>He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>>
>>A strong currant pulled him in.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>>
>>He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>>
>>The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>>kayak and heat it.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>>with hundreds and thousands.
>>
>>Police say that he topped himself.
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>>
>>The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
__________________________________________________ _______________
2) 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
3) A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choos e to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floo r 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
4) It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
> it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
> as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at
> them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an
> over-sensitive woman.
> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with
> my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became
> necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we
> need.
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
> to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time
> she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly
> always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
> dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and
> just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch
> at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for
> some home cooked food when I get home.
> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
> it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
> Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch
> hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
> encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
> That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
> lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is
> one of my strong points.
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
> periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing
> the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the
> house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of
> the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to
> make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as
> she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
> Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many
> men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
> better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
> even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
> ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
> well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other,
> eh?
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
> Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
> screwdriver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches showing.
>
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her
> defence that he accidentally sat on it