Mr Posh

jenny g

Hi there, someone else from RE :-) We live on the outskirts too ! Where are you from in Yorkshire? Bye for now!!!

Ismum

Hi sunnyJT,

Sorry you're feeling so down. I'm afraid I can't be of much help at the moment as I'm not living in Italy (yet!) but strong possibility that I maybe in the future if hubs job comes through. I'll be in the Milan area too so if I do end up there, maybe I can look you up. I would be MORE than happy to share a bottle of vino with you!

InBoccaAlLupo

Oh my god, I read this and wished I could call you over for a cuppa and a good old chat. I can very much relate to the loneliness feelings and I think the feelings you’re experiencing are very normal.

The best thing is that you recognise it, most people just fumble along not being able to make sense of it all and becoming really angry and depressed and hating the world around them. It’s no good trying to explain it to locals because they’ll just say “go home then”, and simply can’t understand it when they’ve never even ventured out of their own town. Non expats struggle to understand aswell because they think you’re living some dream life and what on earth do you have to be depressed about. Well I’ll tell you the reality in my experience….
The ‘honeymoon’ period has subsided, you’ve explored your neighbourhood, and now you realise you can’t communicate freely like you would in your home country and you can feel muted. Trying to put the washing machine on becomes a small task because you don’t understand the cycles written on the washing machine and have to stand there with a translation dictionary trying to figure them out before you put your clothes on a shrink wash! Just buying food can become a task, simply wanting to order some green beans at the market, you now have to think of the words to say, the weight - is it grammi or etti - then understanding the response, and then understanding the five different options of beans they sell and all you want to say is… “Just give me a handful of god damn normal green beans!” Going somewhere on the train and not understanding the announcements and wondering whether or not they will stop at your destination or you‘ll just watch it sail on past and end up in some strange city and a fine for not having the right ticket fare. Trying to figure out which ticket you’re supposed to take at the post office and then after waiting 15 mins being told you have the wrong ticket and to take another one and then wait another 15 mins, all the while watching the Italian national art of queue jumping! You no longer have your familiar frame of reference around you, the support system of friends and family, so you have no-one to go and see or call to tell and discuss about things, and even if you did, your family and friends can’t relate to what you’re talking about. You’re in a new environment where everything is different, not just the language, but different sounds, different home, different culture, different town, different people, different food etc. You could navigate your home town in England with your eyes closed but in your new country you can’t seem to go out without every sense going on alert. You probably don’t sleep well, and that makes you tired and irritable and less likely to absorb the language. All you crave is just to have a night out with an old friend and be able to speak freely and not having to think about translation, be able to eat fish and chips, cream teas, watch 2 hours of Only Fools and Horses repeats, and lots of little things you thought you would never miss about England, and most of all be able to have a good old belly laugh - sod going to the gym for exercise!

I could go on and on, and at the end of the day you have to find the right way of life for you and let go of the preconceived ideas of what you thought your life would be like. Now you have to start again, making friends takes time in your own language let alone a foreign language that you don’t even speak very well. Expat forums and blogs are great to connect with people and not feel like you’re a complete social outcast. Stop comparing countries, they are just different, and now you have to learn the Italian way - whatever way that is! You’ll have lots of ups and downs, a lot of trial and error, eventually finding what is right for you. To combat loneliness try joining a course, something that you’re interested in, cycling, hiking, yoga, piano lessons, painting, anything that initially gives you a common interest with people. Check out local events like concerts and exhibitions. Italian language classes can be good, you’ll hopefully be learning the language and you’ll meet some other English speakers. Go back to England now and again for that comfort fix and confidence boost, maybe you need to go back every couple of months just to get you through this initial period, and if you can plan in advance then you‘ll certainly find cheap deals with easy jet from Milan.

Your new life is going to take time to unfold, that means years to try and adjust and learn, but at least you know your goal is to return to England in a few years. And if anyone says to you ‘you’ve been in Italy for 10 months you must be fluent by now’ or ‘haven’t you made any friends yet?’ answer them with, “please, tell me exactly how my life is supposed to be in a foreign country because you seem to know more than me?” as they crawl back into their shell where they’ve lived all their life. This is your life and your journey so find what works for you, that could even mean you living a few months in England each year until the husband is in a position to come to England full-time. Think outside the box as the saying goes, there can be many benefits for a bit of unconventional living.

Sorry this is so long, but hopefully it will help you understand why your feeling the way you are and also to remember that you’re not alone, and with some effort you can slowly change your life.

Lorna at Vicenza

duffer

Thanks

LivingHere

Have you looked into the expat groups in Milan? Whatever your preconceptions, don't knock them until you have tried them.

Jonnie-falafel

I really feel for you, but couldn't give advice beyond what's already here. I must say I don't recognise the picture of Italian man/women painted. The men in the family near me do lots of domestic work (most of the cooking for example) and childcare too. It might be because I'm a bloke but I don't find women stand offish and haven't observed competitiveness between them.... obsession with being thin, yes!

I have a hospitality business and so meet Italians from all over. Again I observe young fathers taking a role in child care. Italian men certainly seem to have a braoder range of conversation than English men who only seem comfortable with cars and football.

bricwood

My experience to me the women seem more friendly than the men, I dont mean in a romantic way they just seem nicer, when my sister came over she was amazed how all the old women in there 80s insisted on giving me a cuddle and wanted kissing, I think maybe the men resent foreigners sometimes but not often, I have to say people in Puglia are really much nicer than English people, its breaking the ice in the first place whenever I have asked for help people have helped me, I said to another expat any young English blokes looking for a bride come here, no tattoos or nose rings either and beautiful girls

HADENOUGHPIZZA

This couldn't possibly help anyone ! I wasn't depressed before I saw it but I'm not feeling so good now

K in Modena

Poor you. If you decide to have children at some point that will almost certainly help. I went from knowing nobody but a handful of expats to knowing dozens of mums and attending regular meet-ups. At least here in Modena, the facilities for parents and kids are wonderful and you end up bumping into people you know at events all the time. Plus you suddenly have something in common with all these Italian women. In the meantime, like the others said, join some sort of class or club. At the very least it will get you out of the house.

I'm still plotting my escape from Italy though...

Mr Posh

Cheer up sunnyjt you could look forward to this...

This was the girls on the forum at an ex pat meet

Anderson Council

Three things to think about, Sunny:
1. I agree, most Italians are boring at best. Family, family, food and family is the extent of their interests. I'm a total misanthropic grumpy middle aged man and I pretty much find that about 75% of English people don't interest me in the slightest. In Italy that figure is more like 90%. But that still leaves about 10% of great people. Often people who have lived abroad themselves.
2. Things will get MUCH easier when you speak the language. And it WILL come to you. It can seem like you're getting absolutely nowhere with it, then suddenly one day you realise how much progress you've made. And there's a certain satisfaction in that. The thought of living where you can't switch languages begins to seem a little boring.
3. Italy is SOooooo much better in the summer than the winter. Getting through the winter can be boring and a total drag. But then May comes, you've got months of sunshine ahead of you, you can go to the beach, have friends over from UK etc. When people ask me (as they do all the time) if I like living here my standard answer is "hate it in the winter, adore it in the summer."

asik

[QUOTE=Things as simple as the hairdressers here are enough to make me cry now. I had beautiful blonde hair, now I have orange streaks where highlights are supposed to be. Good god.[/QUOTE]

Hehehe, I know that feeling! I am a nordic blonde (by choice) and have had a few disasters in the hairdressers here. Go to Milan and choose a more expensive salon, they will certainly know how to do blonde there. It is easier for you! The nearest big city is 35 minutes from me and it is not Milan, it is the provincial Pescara.

Get a dog! I live alone (I am in my 30s) with my dog and he gives me a lot of happy moments and we go together for long walks in the mountains.

I do get funny looks all the time but I learnt to ignore them. It is all a new culture and a new experience! Embrace it!

37100

8-10months is how long the holiday period usually lasts. Then the mourning period sets in. Mourning for what you have lost or think you've lost. Lasts about 2yyrs, after that it gradually gets better, but there is always a corner of your heart that is sad.

If you don't live in a largish town, wheels are almost a must. A scooter? That would at least get you around. And as someone said. Try the expat scence. I'm not into it, mainly because I've been here so, sooo long and prefer to do my own thing, but it will at least give you a quick fix.

As for teaching, yes, it's not for a lot of people, but you could organize an English speaking aperitvo at a local bar for you students and English friends.

Hair! I'm a nordic blonde (not by choice). Or rather, I was. I've faded a bit (a lot) now, but only a few weeks ago a hairdresser wanted to give me a special shampoo because my hair is too yellow. And I used to have highlights so I know just what you mean. I would keep a very, very close eye on the time and insist that they look my hair several times. I used the 'sensitive skin' excuse. And don't even start me on blunt cutting, but a good hairdresser, what ever the price, will take the time too listen to you so don't give up!