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nearly 3 year in canada still miss home trying to talk the wife into going home but she and the kids want to stay

MarylandNed

A similar thing happened to me a few years back. In 1996, after 7 years living in and around Toronto, my wife and I decided to move back to the UK. We had moved to Canada without kids in 1989 and later had 2 girls born there. They were 2 1/2 and 18 months old at the time we decided to move back to the UK. With 2 kids, we just couldn't afford to make regular trips to the UK like we'd been able to before kids - I think this contributed to our growing homesickness. We wanted to be closer to friends and family, have our kids get to know their extended family and vice versa. After 2 years of trying to settle in the UK, we realized that we'd made a mistake. I still don't regret doing it because it got the "move back" out of our system so to speak and we did enjoy living in London for a couple of years. However, there were things that we didn't like. The UK just didn't seem as child or family friendly as Canada had been - and I don't just mean London because we travelled all over the UK visiting friends and family. It also seemed more of a struggle finding things to do. There was a lot of competition for things like jobs, housing, schools, healthcare, etc. We weren't even sure of getting the kids into a decent local school. My son was born in London and we were appalled at the state of the hospital - my wife's a nurse and she had become used to the hospitals in and around Toronto.

In the end, we decided to move back to Canada - mostly for the kids' sake. However, my IT skill set at that time was pretty narrow and I had difficulty finding a job in Canada. I accepted a job offer in Maryland instead and we've been here since 1998 - adding another daughter along the way. The US is much similar to Canada in terms of being child and family friendly and there is lots more for the kids here than there was in the UK.

Like I said I don't regret the move back to the UK. I feel that it was something that we had to get out of our system because we would always have been thinking about it if we hadn't actually done it. Now I think mostly about moving back to Canada!

Obviously your situation is different to mine but I thought sharing my experience might help. It's a huge factor if your wife and kids don't want to move back to the UK. You risk causing a lot of resentment and there's a bigger risk that things won't work out if their hearts are not in it. My suggestion would be to make more trips back there (maybe even an extended visit) if you can afford it - obviously this is less feasible if time/money are limiting factors (for most people they are). It's possible you also need the "move back" if only to get it out of your system and convince yourself that Canada is the place for you after all. Have you done all you possibly can to settle in Canada? Have you made new friends and been involved in new social and/or recreational activities? I made the move back when my kids were very young and not yet in school - so they were very adaptable. It could be that your kids are at an age where this would be much more difficult.

Piff Poff

Does she just think you are throwing ideas around or have REALLY told her you are unhappy? Can you possibly go back for a visit, even if it's just you on your own? (This could however make things worse).

Following a trip back myself this year has really unsettled me and it's really made me wonder why we did this whole thing in the 1st place. I really don't think I want to go back, but I do want more than I have here and I know I will visit again in 2011, aging parents have really pulled on my sense of loyalty, my Mum is really sick (still) and my Dad turns 80 this year.

Have a serious talk to your wife and try and figure out what it is you are missing and see if trips back will fill the void. Good luck, it's not nice feeling unsettled.

MarylandNed

Good advice. Regarding the trip back making the homesickness worse, that's usually a sign that you need to move back to see if it's the right thing to do. Again though, not having your wife & kids on board with that is a major issue that you're going to have to resolve with them - you need to have a serious talk with your wife (and kids - assuming they are old enough). You either need to move back to the UK or make a serious effort to put the homesickness behind you (or at least not let it destroy your lfe in Canada). If you stay in Canada and let of feelings of homesickness affect your family life, you're going to make everyone miserable.

ninaDGBCA

It's horrible when you feel homesick. We've been here for 8 months now and still get the odd day where I feel homesick.
Then I usually sit down and write a list of what I do miss in the moment and what I do appreciate here and surprisingly most of the time I realise that the benefits here outweigh the things I miss abroad.
Have a chat with friends in the UK and ask them what they do with the kids in winter and what they did in the summer ( my friends couldn't do a lot as it was constantly raining, while we were at the beach here enjoying the sun). In the UK the country comes to a standstill when it snows ha ha and people are stuck in the house, no free skating rinks etc.
Don't get me wrong I miss my friends, family, the pubs and that not everything is "awsome" and "adorable" but living in Canada with kids definitely is , at least for us, the better lifestyle.
People tend to forget the bad things and glorify the good.......maybe a long visit in the UK, looking at the economy there, looking at the job market and the outdoor activities,housing market and schools etc. and then compare it to what you have here will make you feel better about living in Canada.
And if not then at least you can show your wife and kids that you are serious about moving back and it's not just an "idea".
Good luck with whatever you do

Gremmie

Either get a divorce or grow a pair and you say "going home" is home not Canada

Lemonfish

Was that really necessary though?

Guy is clearly unhappy, maybe doesn't have other outlets to talk about this stuff and you tell him to grow a pair and insult his choice of wording.

Do you find your advice helpful? If not, why would you post something like that?

NoreenC

Obviously not, otherwise he wouldn't be saying he was homesick and talking about 'going home'. Homesickness is an awful feeling. I experienced it at one time and all I wanted to do was to get on the next plane back home to England.

NoreenC

I'm afraid I haven't got any advice for you. I know that homesickness is an awful feeling. Some on here have given some useful advice and I hope it helps you. It must be very difficult when the rest of your family want to stay. I do hope that somehow you are able to work things out with your family and feel in a happier frame of mind.

Londonuck

If things dont go well is almost impossible to shake homesickness. I would advise getting your citizenship. I also felt leaving Canada would be the best thing ever and have regretted - Never say never.

Good luck mate.

p.s. Have a look at the papers today mate. Some round Glasgow spent over 12 hours stuck in their cars over night in -12c temps.

Poolsadie

You know I was SO homesick for my first 4 years in Canada, and went home at least twice a year (spending our savings, which also didn't last long as my husband couldn't get a job).

In our fifth year, my husband eventually found work, and we moved to a nicer area where the kids went to a better school...and I felt totally settled right away..I guess everything was how it should be, us both working and the kids happy in school and living in a house that I could call a home.

I now want to return back to UK less (except last year when sadly my father was diagnosed with cancer - I was lucky enough to be able to spend his final 3 months with him).

I see Canada as my home now, and although it took a long time to settle I now feel like we made the right decision.

So maybe have a good look at what is making you unhappy in Canada (maybe you are not really feeling homesick at all?)

Hope it works out for you, honestly each time I go back to the UK I miss it less, and less. I feel we can never go back to what we had and must always look forward (I think looking back just prevents you from moving forward).

taichiiqueen

In the same boat only now OH wants to go back.PM me maybe we can swap sob stories.

amardan

After reading this it has given some comfort as I am very scared of making a mistake because I also feel quite homesick and can`t really put my finger on what I truly miss, I think it is a combination of things that accumulate as time goes by. We have been here just over 2 years and my hubby and children have settled in tremendously but still on occasions I get terrible pangs of homesickness. I feel really bad some days and have flashbacks when I am driving to work of my village. My hubby doesn`t understand why I feel so homesick and the life I keep mentioning wasn`t at all like I think it was. I think over time you start looking at life with rose coloured spectacles and the flights to UK being so expensive doesn`t help the situation as it does not make it very easy to go back as frequently as we would like. We hope to visit next year as it will be 3 years since going back and family are constantly asking when are we coming back for a visit. Who knows the trip back might be what I need to see that everything is not that great and where we are is and the homesickness will subside.