The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Mar 24th 2007, 8:31 pm
#16
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 1,343
Re: Jail Bird
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Mar 24th 2007, 9:48 pm
#17
Life's a gamble
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Solihull2Gold Coast-Sept '06
Posts: 2,492
The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has opened. The instructions at the entrance
are thus:
You may visit the store only once. The store has 6 floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends. There is 1 catch.
You may choose any man from any floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you may not go back down except to exit the building. A woman
enters the store:
Floor 1 - these men have jobs.
Floor 2 - these men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow!" She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 - these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the house work.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor.
Floor 5 - these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking,
help with the house work and have a romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but the urge is too great. She goes to the
6th floor.
Floor 6 - you are visitor 37,456,872 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store!
A new wives store opened across the street. Same rules apply.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th floors have never been visited
are thus:
You may visit the store only once. The store has 6 floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends. There is 1 catch.
You may choose any man from any floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you may not go back down except to exit the building. A woman
enters the store:
Floor 1 - these men have jobs.
Floor 2 - these men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow!" She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 - these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the house work.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor.
Floor 5 - these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking,
help with the house work and have a romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but the urge is too great. She goes to the
6th floor.
Floor 6 - you are visitor 37,456,872 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store!
A new wives store opened across the street. Same rules apply.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th floors have never been visited
Mar 27th 2007, 11:50 pm
#18
Life's a gamble
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Solihull2Gold Coast-Sept '06
Posts: 2,492
Why we love lawyers
I KNOW IT'S AN OLD ONE, BUT IT'S STILL FUNNY
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Mar 28th 2007, 7:41 am
#19
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: ex yeovil ...now CAIRNS!
Posts: 604
Re: Why we love lawyers
There are only two "proffessions" who use the term "client"..... prostitutes and lawyers.... and youre liable to get screwed by both!
Mar 28th 2007, 11:21 pm
#20
Full Throttle
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: here
Posts: 1,728
One of those "yeah, right!" stories
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus,
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit
suicide. He left a note indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed
just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and
that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus
was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been
successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to
feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that
when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the
pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to
kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of
the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were
both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not
loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his
wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident..
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the
murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now
becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald
Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent
over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This
led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be
killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt Westervelt)*
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit
suicide. He left a note indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed
just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and
that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus
was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been
successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to
feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that
when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the
pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to
kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of
the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were
both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not
loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his
wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident..
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the
murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now
becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald
Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent
over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This
led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be
killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press, (Reported by Kurt Westervelt)*
Mar 28th 2007, 11:33 pm
#21
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Beyond the Pale
Posts: 963
Re: One of those "yeah, right!" stories
Can I be first??? YEAH, RIGHT!!
Mar 29th 2007, 12:54 am
#23
Timelord
Joined: May 2006
Location: Lost in space...
Posts: 2,834
Re: One of those "yeah, right!" stories
Mar 30th 2007, 12:40 pm
#24
Going for a ride
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Monbulk, Victoria.
Posts: 2,838
Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Mar 30th 2007, 12:45 pm
#25
Just wanna be there
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: UK ~Germany ~ where will we be next??
Posts: 240
Re: Father John
lmao
Mar 30th 2007, 1:07 pm
#26
Essex to Oz
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Essex
Posts: 18
This made me laugh
From my Aussie friend..
Some Q's people often ask about us.......flaming struth!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Please make sure you have fun now
Some Q's people often ask about us.......flaming struth!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Please make sure you have fun now
Mar 30th 2007, 3:57 pm
#27
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 1,343
Re: This made me laugh
Great, thanks for sharing.
Mar 30th 2007, 4:06 pm
#28
Just wanna be there
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: UK ~Germany ~ where will we be next??
Posts: 240
Re: This made me laugh
lol
Mar 30th 2007, 4:41 pm
#29
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: U.K. still!!
Posts: 1,503
Re: This made me laugh
From my Aussie friend..
Some Q's people often ask about us.......flaming struth!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Please make sure you have fun now
Some Q's people often ask about us.......flaming struth!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Please make sure you have fun now
Went to the hippo racing on Tuesday...great fun and can you tell the yank the girl he dated in 1969?
SHE WON!!!!
Great fun, excellent post!!
Mar 30th 2007, 6:08 pm
#30
Essex to Oz
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Essex
Posts: 18
Re: This made me laugh
