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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 9:38 am   #1
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Unhappy Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Hi all

I just wanted to get some advice regarding the following:

My partner is Australian, he moved to London when he was 23 and he's now 32. I'm 25 and we met 3 years ago. We joint own a flat here in South London which is where I've grown up all my life and we live close by to my family.

When we first met my partner was adamant that he could never move back to Australia, he likes the fact that he has great access to Europe and the weather is very much to his liking. He also spoke of it as "getting away from" Australia. All his family live on the Gold Coast, his Mum, Step Dad, brother and two sisters. He also has nieces and nephews that he's missing out on too.

When we had first started dating he visited back home for Christmas in 2010. He loved it and I'm sure it was quite the occasion where all the family met up for Christmas. In November 2012 he wanted to go back again to visit, we had just moved into our new flat and had bills galore. The plan was that I would go with him but we both couldn't afford to go and he was adamant that he would go by himself. He expressed to me that he missed home and we had a big argument at the time because he "wasn't sure about him moving back to Australia or not".

He waited until this April 2013 to visit. He had waited too long to see his family and we both couldn't afford to go. Obviously this feeling is still lingering and it worries me more and more as the time goes on. We've been having a difficult time anyway with little petty things and have been seeing a therapist to resolve these issues. But last night we had a discussion and I realised that these little issues aren't the problems of our relationship at all. The big issues are being swept under the carpet. We're dealing with the day to day arguments and not the issues that really matter.

He's mentioned before that he finds me inflexible and he doesn't think that I would be willing to live in another country for one or two years. Of course he's speaking about Australia and not some other country. But it worries me that this "1 or 2 years" will turn into "I want to stay for good" which will provide both of us with a lot of heartbreak.

I am someone who is close to my family and I love where I've been brought up. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. If we were to move to another country, it would be somewhere in Europe where getting flights back to see my family wouldn't be such an ordeal or so expensive.

The fact that he's said to me time and time again that he would never want to move back, it puzzles me as to why he now would consider it. He has also said that even if he did move back he wouldn't move back to the Gold Coast but probably Melbourne. So even if he is missing his family, I don't think his connection with his family is as strong as the connection I have to mine? He would probably only see them from time to time. Plus, he hardly speaks to them on the phone or Skype's them so it makes me wonder what is really going on? Would he want to rip me away from my family who I see at least once a week just so he can have easier access to his family if he wants to.

I've said to him if that's what he wants to do, to move back then he needs to make his decision. I want to be living my life, it's important for me in the next five years to think about settling down. I'm planning on starting my postgraduate studies in counselling next year which will take me 4 years part time to complete. By then, I would expect to be properly settling down. And if my partner who is now 32, is not quite sure whether he wants to move there or just live there for 1 or 2 years, I can't be sure that we have a future together.

If he could say with certainty that his life is here with me but just wants to explore living in a different country with me and spending more time with his family I would be more open minded to it. But if he's going to drag me out there for a year where I will most likely be homesick and then tell me that he wants to stay. Then I think it may be best if we call it a day now.

My parents are convinced that he's simply missing home and that this is just an excuse because he doesn't want to commit to me and they see him living here for the rest of his life. I'm so confused and it's killing me.

It would be good to see what others think of this situation, my boyfriend and myself too.
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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 10:54 am   #2
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Have you spoken honestly with your partner about it all? You need to find out exactly what he wants and be honest with him. It sounds like you don't want to move at all, for any length of time, and he needs to know that.

The only person you,should be discussing this with is him IMO.

Good luck x
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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 1:15 pm   #3
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

As a born and bred South Londoner, who loves Melbourne and most aspects of Australia, I can empathise a little bit. If it's South London he really likes, then the Gold Coast really isn't going to cut it.

Thats my opinion after being here 33 years. Given a choice of living in South London or the Gold Coast... I'd probably choose South London as well.

I'll explain more later, but a lot has to do with the make up and attitudes of the populace in both places.

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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 5:33 pm   #4
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Oh dear! Not really much you can do until he makes his mind up. I do think you run a huge risk of going "for a year or two" who knows if and when the goal posts will change and as soon as you bring kids into the equation it gets very messy if you really don't see Aus as being "forever" but he does. If you're close to your family then you may well struggle to be on the other side of the world from them - you could opt for a 12 month sabbatical of course and take it as a "gap year" adventure before really getting stuck into your studies and, I guess ultimately you will both be faced with the decision - is this the person I want to grow old and have grand kids with? If the answer is yes, then you achieve the best possible compromise you can. From what you've said though, I'd be inclined to look after yourself and do what suits you! Can you afford to buy him out?
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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 9:00 pm   #5
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Smile Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Quote:
Originally Posted by ozzieeagle View Post
a lot has to do with the make up and attitudes of the populace in both places.
aaaarrrgghhhh Karma button not working........

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Old Sep 2nd 2013, 10:37 pm   #6
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

I can only see the situation getting worse. Don't be too hard on him that he once said he could never go back but now is wavering, this is what happens, our thoughts change over time with age and just because. It doesn't mean he was lying or misleading you then, he has just changed his mind. Humans do that.

Men don't all keep up the good communications with their family, mine doesn't, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love them. Your posts suggests you think your relationship with your family is more important than his with his, this could be interpreted as you think your family is more important than his full stop. Not many of us are going to go along with that, blood is thicker than water. (I know the are exceptions and don't want to start a debate on that).

If you have no inclination to live in Australia then I don't think you should. I wouldn't even give it a go for a year or two because goalposts might get moved on you, you might start a family and then you could be trapped long term.

I think you do need to consider whether it is the to call it a day now, rather than wait until later when children are involved and it gets messy.
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 4:25 am   #7
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Quote:
Originally Posted by blessbabe View Post
Hi all

I just wanted to get some advice regarding the following:....

<clip>

It would be good to see what others think of this situation, my boyfriend and myself too.
Try having a better "relationship" with your boyfriend than you seem to have with "your" family and see if that works.

You will probably find this a strange idea, but why not give it a try, it just might work
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 9:28 am   #8
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

blessbabe . . . I think you need to discuss this with your boyfriend with the help of a counsellor.

As it stands, if he is accusing you of being inflexible about moving to Australia, yet he himself had previously wanted to remain in London, he could well be indecisive and unsure of what life holds for him, as well as being unsure about your relationship.

Life is about compromise, but in your case what does the compromise involve in the long term?
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 11:15 am   #9
 
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Please dont take offense but it sounds like a recipe for disaster to be honest and can just see it going horribly wrong. There just seems to be so much indecision.
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 11:43 am   #10
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

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Originally Posted by chris955 View Post
Please dont take offense but it sounds like a recipe for disaster to be honest and can just see it going horribly wrong. There just seems to be so much indecision.
Not often I agree with you but in this instance....
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 11:54 am   #11
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

ah the joys of inter-racial relationships ....... you get my drift.

Here's an idea. 10 years in London, perhaps he wants to see what Australia is like again. Could be an adventure for you too. Try neutral ground and stay away from the "Goldie"
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 12:12 pm   #12
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Run.

Don't get caught up in a financial arrangement masquerading as a relationship.

You will meet plenty of English boys who don't want you to move to the other side of the World.

Give yourself a break.
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 12:36 pm   #13
 
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

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Originally Posted by brissybee View Post
Run.

Don't get caught up in a financial arrangement masquerading as a relationship.

You will meet plenty of English boys who don't want you to move to the other side of the World.

Give yourself a break.
I tend to agree, there are just too many iffs buts and maybes.
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 1:22 pm   #14
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

You and your boyfriend each want something that the other can't provide. For you, it's a promise that he'll make his life with you in the UK. He can't give you that right now.
For him, it's you being willing to live in Australia for an unspecified amount of time. You can't give him that right now.

If you can't agree on something as fundamental as where you'll make your home, either permanently or temporarily, then your relationship's in huge trouble. I hope you can both find a solution with the least amount of grief for you.
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Old Sep 3rd 2013, 5:45 pm   #15
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Default Re: Australian Boyfriend Uncertain About Moving Back

Quote:
Originally Posted by brissybee View Post
Run.

Don't get caught up in a financial arrangement masquerading as a relationship.

You will meet plenty of English boys who don't want you to move to the other side of the World.

Give yourself a break.
Yup.

Speaking as one in a mixed marriage, they can be incredibly difficult!
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