BoxerBrad

Hi everyone. My name's Brad and I am a 30 yr old expat. After leaving the army in my early twenties and needing to pursue my sense of adventure, I went travelling for a year and visited over 30 countries / 4 continents. Had a blast and spent quite a bit of the savings from my military service. But it was worth it.

Somehow, I ended up settling in the U.S. I was offered a job during my visit, and was under the impression that I needed a "change of scenery", so I accepted the position, got my work visa (which subsequently became a green card) and stuck around a while.

The job didn't last too long - I ended up relocating to Alaska for a few years (which was quite nice) and then to the East coast of the country. In and out of fairly low paying jobs over the years. I met a nice girl about 3 years ago and decided that she might be worth sticking around for, even though I had got the idea in my head that I need to get back home.

My girlfriend and I have been living together 2 years now. We rent a nice little home in the country, but other than the OK relationship and the nice rural setting, I am pretty unhappy with all other aspects of life here.

There's doesn't seem to be such things as "quality of life" here.

-No holiday (vacation) time - unless you've been been with a company for years.
-No chance to go travel abroad, because of the aforementioned issue.
-The healthcare system is an abomination.
-The people all seem to struggle understanding anyone who doesn't have an American accent
-I am absolutely fed up of being asked where I'm from 20 times a day
-Nobody gets my English humour at all, so I have simply stopped telling jokes.
-Don't have any friends because I can't connect with people here on any meaningful level.
-No decent boxing clubs in my area - everything is "UFC" and "MMA" now.
-People are slightly biased against foreigners, so I find it hard to land a decent paying position.
-Struggle to pay the rent and bills because of aforementioned issue.
-Every day feels like a battle.
-No money remaining to put anything into retirement.
-I could go on...

What gives?

Americans keep telling me that this is greatest country in the world. I have lived and visited many different nations, and I am just not seeing it!

If it weren't for my girlfriend, I would probably be packing up my stuff as we speak. But can anybody give me several decent reasons to stay? Honest reasons?

I need convincing, because I am living here with great resentment. I have not been happy with the last 8 years of my life and something needs to change. What is UK life like these days? I have only been away 8 years (going on 9) - have things changed much?

Perhaps it is a case of "the grass always seems greener?" or am I actually feeling and seeing what is true - that the U.S. quality of life is actually not as great as many claim and that my life is impacted by the things I no longer have?

Hopefully I haven't opened up a can of worms here, but I want this to be one place where I can actually be truthful without hurting anyone's feelings.

Thoughts / advice? Has anyone gone through the same? Has anyone found a way to "decide"? What is the best advice you received? And which country did you prefer, and why?

livinginnyc

TBH, I don't think anyone in the UK got my sense of humour either, but it hasn't stopped me

Whilst I can understand/see some of your complaints I guess it depends on where you physically are in the USA, your background.etc. It's a big country and I feel certainly has alot more opportunity than the UK. Where I am, I don't think being a foreigner has any bearing on work prospects, it's more so getting to the top of a very large, competitive pile.

Are you still in Alaska? Have you considered a change of scenery/work?

Canveydave

Ok, didn't want to read and run, so here goes.

When I initially moved over, my life was substantially better in the US. I had more money, more time with my family, more things to do. I lived in Texas and I loved both the sense of community and the ability I had to just do what I wanted. I found a nice mix of ex-pat friends and Americans, drove a nice car, had a great house, my kids went to excellent schools with plenty of activities.

Due to a work reshuffle, I had to move to Florida in June. I like it roughly the same as I did living in the UK. The weather's good, I still drive a nice car. That being said I really hated living in the UK!

Florida is much more expensive, I have less money (had to take a pay cut), our living expenses are much higher, The kids have less to do (outside of Disney World, which get's old quick) and my wife is unhappy. We are literally weeks away from making a decision to go back to Texas or the UK.

I realize there is a lot of waffle there, but for me judging the whole of the US by the part you happen to be in at that time is not wise. Also all the problems that get you down now will probably get you down back in the UK, or at least have equivalents.

I hope you end up making a decision that ultimately makes you happy. I am glad we took the opportunity to come to Florida, but I would go back to Texas in a heartbeat!

deadshoppingmalls

You seem to be generalizing a lot to justify what you're feeling..I have a great quality of life here in California - sure...it's expensive but my pay makes up for it

It sounds like you're depressed and it's clouding your view. I honestly have not had any of the issues that you've experienced. You may need a change of scenery - but in all honesty..problems are going to follow you.

BoxerBrad

@livinginnyc: I left Alaska 4 years ago due to lack of decent jobs. I lived in Northern VA, Southern VA, and now rural NC since then. Not really been impressed with any.

It's hard to get excited about jobs that offer you little to no holiday time each year. I am an explorer by nature, and I have had to literally stop exploring because no job will "allow" me to take time off. Also, I feel the work/life balance is lesser here - mainly because you are expected to work longer hours and commutes are farther. I spend most of my waking day working a job I dislike and get paid little for, only to return home with very little spare time.

8 years and I am still looking for careers with the right opportunity and balance.

Perhaps some expats simply have better luck with jobs than others.

@deadshoppingmalls: Yes, I am generalising. Partly because I am not going to go into specific details on this thread (I would be here for a year writing down every little thing), but also because I feel that my experience in this country counts for something.

You may not have had the same experience as me, but if I feel a certain way then surely those feelings count for something? The way you perceive something (be it a country / person or otherwise) is always a direct result of your experiences with that thing.

For example: If I'd have had lovely experiences my whole 8 years and it never been a struggle, then I wouldn't be having this conversation

I've known expats to move here and love it, and I've also bumped into many expats who are packing their bags and can't wait to leave. One woman I met the other day in the supermarket told me that this is her "final shop" and she can't wait to leave America for good next week!

So, surely, our feelings are based on our experiences. And not everyone's experiences are the same.

Wintersong

Both.

The US quality of life isn't all it's touted to be, unless you're a relatively high earner. But having said that, you're also comparing apples to oranges - when you visited those other countries, you were a visitor. It's very different. I'm also assuming you joined the army directly from school, then went travelling, then settled in the US and got a more office-type job. You haven't had the same type of job in another country, so you're comparing 2 totally different lifestyles.

Don't give up on the US just yet: I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not sure that it's really all that different in the UK. Maybe you and your girlfriend could move somewhere else in the US first, for a change of scenery? Maybe somewhere with a higher proportion of immigrants, which would eliminate a number of items from your list and maybe help you find a group of more like-minded friends?

MidAtlantic

I think that everyone will have their own reasons for being here and liking it or not. I am also very cautious about making generalizations about the country because it is so varied and vast.

For me my quality if life here is significantly better than in the UK. That is to do with a whole range of factors from relationships, to climate to financial circumstances.

I agree that the "greatest country" thing is very frustrating, especially when those saying it have often never been anywhere else! On the other hand a co-worker said to me very recently that one of the best things he ever did was spend a month travelling in Europe because it opened his eyes to other situations and cultures.

Maybe you should simply make a list of the pros and cons of your situation and see if you can determine what would improve it. Maybe another location in the USA would work better than in the UK, maybe not. I certainly have not received any general hostility nor prejudice in employment (so far as I am aware!). Yes I get the "oh your accent is so cute, are you Australian?" thing, but that is no big deal.

I hope you find a way of clarifying what is best for you. Good luck!

MarylandNed

Still a small sample. On the other hand, maybe you're in the wrong country.

Sounds like you're in the wrong job or career. Work/life balance in the US is generally worse than a lot of other countries but much also depends on your job and on your employer. I am lucky enough to be able to work from home and have flexibility with my working hours - that's as much to do with my job (in IT) as it is to do with my employer. Since I'm saving a lot of time and money by not commuting and have flexible working hours, I don't mind working outside normal working hours whenever my employer needs me to. A win for both of us.

As for commuting, I find it strange that people move far away from their place of work (often to areas with totally inadequate public transportation) in order to rent/buy the biggest piece of property they can afford and are then surprised that a lot of other people have done the same - which results in horrendous traffic congestion.

Jack8602

I'm in Texas, and can honestly say the quality of life here absolutely destroys what i had in the UK

I've worked for my company for 3 years, 2 of which were in the UK, the other was here. i get in total - 4 weeks + public holidays off.

I've only used the healthcare system once, and i can't complain of my treatment, that said - i do have a good plan from my employer.

Speaking for Texans, they love the accent - and whilst there's the odd word, I've never had an issue communicating here.

People are only showing genuine interest in you and your background - perhaps you could forge a some friendships from this that you say you don't have. Is it really 20 times a day? I maybe get asked a couple times a week, if that.

Educate them! i keep on and on with my US friends and they're picking up on my ways.

Have you tried meeting fellow expats first maybe?

Really?

I absolutely love it here, i'm in the dallas fort worth area in Texas, the people are amazing, the lifestyle is great, i love my job and the people i work with. I've met an amazing girl over here and have made many friends through taking up activities.

I started learning to skydive and got my solo license. I threw myself in the deep end meeting a huge amount of people at the drop zone. I've made some great friends there who i see regularly and go to soccer matches with outside of jumping outside of planes.

Aside from boxing, is there anything you've got an interest in which would expose you to meeting new people? I'm sure there must be a boxing gym somewhere though?

I'm sorry you're not enjoying it, you sound like you're completely fed up with everything at the moment, are you able to try living in a different state? where are you located now?

I wouldn't entertain a move back to the UK unless i have to (if my green card gets denied for some reason, and my last resort was to move after my L1 visa finishes)

Nutmegger

I have to admit that I don't get it. If you don't like it here, you don't like it here. End of story. Your prerogative. What on earth do you care about the opinions of a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum? You want to be convinced to stay in a place you hate? The only thing that matters is discussing the situation with your girlfriend, and deciding between you two just how you are going to move forward with your life together.

kodokan

from Wintersong. You're comparing being a backpacker to everyday adulting; they won't feel the same regardless of where you're living. It's not wildly fun living on the outskirts of Milton Keynes or Scunthorpe, and commuting into a soul suck job in an insurance office or packing boxes in a warehouse, but lots of UK-based people are doing that.

I'd echo the suggestion about trying a more cosmopolitan area. And I'd also add that you might need to consider it's also your workplaces/ colleagues. I knew lots of people in the UK who hadn't reached a particularly high level of formal education, but were bright, funny, engaged with the world. I don't see that as much here - since a greater population of the US is degree-educated, and jobs seem to very much divide into ones for graduates and ones for those who only finished high school, you would have a more engaging work social life if you can get yourself into an environment where most or all of your colleagues are coming from the half of the population that is degree-educated, more likely to have moved away from home, or traveled overseas, etc - those with a less provincial outlook.

johnwoo

If you haven't been happy for eight years, you probably never will be.
Being a 'foreigner' has never been a problem for me, and I've been here a lot longer than eight years. I've worked with more foreigners from more countries in better paying jobs than than I ever did in the UK.
The USA isn't for everyone, whether it is for you, only you can decide, I'd guess it isn't.

hungryhorace

That's because they're mostly simple people, brainwashed at birth into believing this nonsense. Most of them have also never been outside their own timezone, let alone the country. Take their nonsense with a pinch of salt.

As to your request for reasons. There are none. Seriously.

If you are poor here, and it sounds like you are, then life will be awful. Go home to Britain, and be happy again is my advice. Where you can go to Greggs and get a nice sausage roll, or go to Waitrose or John Lewis and buy the finer things in life (probably not applicable for your situation, but maybe your situation will change employment wise once home).

hungryhorace

I think I have found the problem!

deadshoppingmalls

You're right...here's mine from the SF Bay area

15 days a year, plus a week at christmas for shutdown.

Just back from 2 weeks tootling around Argentina

My wife has been having a lot of treatment, have nothing bad to say about the quality of care she's received. My company healthcare insurance has covered 99% of the costs

Only had that issue once - now resort to asking for Wadder instead of water.

Never had that issue - people in the bay area are used to dealing with other accents.

I'm irish, and we have a slightly different humour from the english...but i've known for my cynical and sarcastic sense of humour - people have started to emulate it.

This is an age thing as much as anything. By 30's people have their set of friends or have family responsibilities that take up their time. This happens everywhere

Never experienced any sort of bias. My wife is a spanish speaking black woman from Ethiopia..same...has never had an issue. She moved here without a job, now a senior commercial property manager


Can't see it. I love life here - but I loved life when we lived in a poky studio in Barcelona and when we lived in a cold flat in Madrid when we could only afford to heat one room.