A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
Apr 4th 2006, 3:49 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: Dubuque, Iowa, USA
Posts: 3,770
A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
(Title altered to try & keep it on this board for you all to enjoy - Karma Deserving or what?)
Jim.
Dear Diary
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .
MONDAY
Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
Jim.
Dear Diary
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .
MONDAY
Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
Apr 4th 2006, 4:29 pm
#2
Septicity
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 23,762
Re: A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
Belinda sounds like my kinda gal. 
Apr 4th 2006, 4:36 pm
#3
Account Closed
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 15,019
Re: A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
ohhh sooo funny.... 
Apr 4th 2006, 8:42 pm
#4
Will work for shoes.....
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: Calgary
Posts: 390
Re: A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
Lol.......
Apr 4th 2006, 9:08 pm
#5
Junior Showtime
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: Singapore
Posts: 3,759
Re: A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
Originally Posted by Scouse Express
(Title altered to try & keep it on this board for you all to enjoy - Karma Deserving or what?)
Jim.
Dear Diary
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .
MONDAY
Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
Jim.
Dear Diary
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .
MONDAY
Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
I take exception to being called a "Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader" I did attend a community college where I trained for 3 whole months!!! as a personal trainer. I am a perfect size 4 , but I do understand your envy of my cute, pert self as an overweight midlife crisis kinda guy
I was a cheerleader and still do lead a cheer squad at my local church cheering on our lawds work, but I dont think this is any reason to poke fun at me ???Your wife has contacted my boyfriend re the two medical procedures you "prayed" for and he will be happy to give you an early birthday present at no charge (money charge that is
)I wish your "out of shape ass" all you wish yourself and look forward to seeing you in the recovery room after Dwayne has operated :scared:
Belinda Beulah Driscoll
Apr 4th 2006, 9:14 pm
#6
I approved this message
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,425
Re: A Week At An American Gym - One American Man's Story
Originally Posted by Scouse Express
She said some other shit too.
