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Very low - what should we do ?

Very low - what should we do ?

Old May 11th 2011, 2:57 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

take it for what it is
\

Thanks - we will, and there are parts that we really love. San Diego is superb, SF is lovely, Monterey wonderful. Great places for a few days away, and that's exactly what we're doing.

We just weren't ready for day-to-day life being SO different.

You are right - the lack of a language barrier lulls you into a false sense of thinking you understand the culture. Truth is, we don't !
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Old May 11th 2011, 3:25 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

I think we actually have in the WIKI that you should really prepare for a move to the USA as if you were moving to Mongolia. The culture, lifestyle, and even the language are different, and if you come to the US thinking it is just a different suburb of London separated by an ocean you'll soon end up bemoaning everything it is not and not appreciating what it is.

If it is any consolation, pretty much every complaint you have about the US from sort of plastic friends to crappy organizations or schools is mirrored by US expats who go to the UK. UK people are fake and phony, schools don't teach the right way, activities are few and far between. The US expats in the UK has a forum specifically for 'Homesickness and Hard Times' and if you read that you start to understand that life "as an expat" is sometimes more to blame than "your current location". Some of the problems of adjustment and whatnot befall all expats, regardless of their origin or current destination.

My only advice is to take a 'half full' approach to what you can, and start to ignore what you cannot. Focus on the things that make you happy or you enjoy on a day to day basis and try to get around the stuff that drives you nuts. Otherwise you'll end up in a rut from which there is no escape, and then when you return to the UK you might end up discovering later you blew an opportunity to discover something different or unique. In fact, you might return and discover you that you really did like something in the other country (i.e. Mexican food, or a big house, or driving along the Pacific Coast Highway) and now those are gone (aka 'curse of the expat')

Good luck with you remaining time in the US.
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Old May 11th 2011, 5:21 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by dlake02
Thank you for the replies - they are all VERY helpful, because you've all been through it.

Some specifics....

1) Not really the "out-doors" type, but we do enjoy a day at the coast. Now that IS hard to beat here, but it has the constant feeling of being "on the outside, looking in" rather than actually living in the place. Maybe that does just take time ?

The same is true in SF - yes, it's a nice place to visit, but it's no different from living in the UK and going to London for a day, or Brighton. It's more about the day-to-day rather than the extra-ordinary that is eluding us at the moment.

2) I'm a rather left-wing atheist. I thought I would fit-in well with the SF type, but I can see I was living in a bygone 1960s era ! Joining a church of any religion is probably out (not that I will stop anyone else from their particular beliefs). I just feel out-of-place in my views, opinions, etc, etc. I never answer back (that would be rude and disrespectful), but coming here makes you realise how much Europe has become secular over the last few years compared to the US. Or maybe the US has lurched to the right and religion ? It all feels a bit odd !

3) Cub Scouts is just plain dis-organised. In the UK, most groups have their own hall/meeting place, their own equipment, a fully planned set of activities, and treat it more as fun than here. The times we've sat down after Cubs and said "For f***'s sake why don't they get organised !!!!" We've seen emails coming out the day before an event ! Yes - it may yet come to jumping in and taking over, but it appears to be us that are out of step, so keen not to hop in with my size 9s.

4) Weeze mentioned about after school clubs - round here, probably due to the pushy tech-company types, they are all related to furthering education. Having said that, we are looking into football (soccer) clubs - possibly in the Autumn. I will check out meetup.com - new one on me. Thanks.

5) Jackattack - you make some interesting comments. I think your kids are much younger than ours, and to some extent, when you have young kids they "tag along" with you. Yes, we've done the Roaring Camp (it's far too lame for a nearly 10 year old now); even the seaside gets a bit passe for your average street-wise 10 year old nowadays. We're not into theme parks but would go to Raging Waters as a special treat. Not saying that having Preschoolers is easy (I KNOW it's not !) but there does seem to be a lack of things that are FUN (i.e. not soccer/baseball/basketball leagues or education improvement) to do at this age. Or maybe it's my age..... My son is spending over an hour a day doing homework - he had 40 minutes a week in the UK. He is a very bright kid and gets good results, so he is not struggling, but it is stopping him from being a boy. And his classmates are all locked in every day doing the same !

But you say Yes - but we like to plan ahead. In fact, we have to to budget ! People here seem to do things very much at the last minute, and it's just not in our mindset - maybe time to re-think our previously fast-paced SE England lifestyle ?


I really do appreciate the answers - we're determined to make a go of this for however long we're going to be here. I would not put anyone off moving to a foreign land - having visited a lot of Europe over the last 20+ years for work/leisure, it is just rather unnerving as to how a country that on the outside looks more like the UK than other parts of Europe feel so very alien when you are living there....


Keep those ideas coming in - I'm feeling better already. Thanks

David
If you always look for the negative you will find it. Why not try to improve on what you already have? So Cubs is disorganised, maybe try getting in on the organising side of it. Instead of looking for clubs for your kids to join get 2 or 3 of his friends and take them on a day out or easier still organise fun days at home, Pizza and a movie etc. Why involve other people at all, my hubby, kids and I can have great fun together, life is what you make it.

You have only been here a matter of months, I am not sure what others experience is but I was here a few years before I made actual friends. Sorry to burst your bubble but this is not England and you WILL NOT find the English way of life here.
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Old May 11th 2011, 5:28 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by dlake02
T

5) Jackattack - you make some interesting comments. I think your kids are much younger than ours, and to some extent, when you have young kids they "tag along" with you.
Well, yes clearly I have no idea how to deal with a 9 year old boy. I only do girls and so far have experience up to age 4; so I can deal with that but nothing older. So she comes with us wherever we go and hanging out with parents is still fun.

It sounds like you're only here for a relatively short assignment so make the most of it while you're here because time will fly by and before long you'll be packing up and heading back to Blighty.
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Old May 11th 2011, 5:44 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by jackattack
Well, yes clearly I have no idea how to deal with a 9 year old boy. I only do girls and so far have experience up to age 4 so I can deal with that but nothing older. So she comes with us wherever we go and hanging out with parents is still fun.

It sounds like you're only here for a relatively short assignment so make the most of it while you're here because time will fly by and before long you'll be packing up and heading back to Blighty.


Last edited by Sarah; May 11th 2011 at 5:46 am.
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Old May 11th 2011, 10:21 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by Trixie_b
Anyway, the "land of the free" have great self-promotion, after a little while of living here you can judge for yourself how much is marketing hype.
The 'American Dream', and the 'Land of the free and the home of the brave' stuff doesn't really bother me - it's really a set of slogans or mission statements and they serve a valuable purpose - they are the kind of thing you need to forge a sense of purpose into your culture.

Case in point - Soviet Russia. Dreadful place to live but it had awesome slogans like 'Bread, peace and land', ' We'll give for the building of Socialism in 1931 ... 8 million ton of raw iron!!!', 'every day life is getting better' and 'Without pity, we'll decimate and obliterate the enemy'. Result - a strong sense of national pride and identity.



The UK on the other hand is a great place to live but the majority of the inhabitants seem to think it is a shytehole - probably because we don't have a decent slogan. Maybe it could be 'cheer up you bunch of miserable tossers'
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Old May 11th 2011, 10:50 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by dlake02
Well, we've spent hours channel surfing and so far Nada.
Going on demand then is probably the way to go. An increasing amount of the stuff I watch is now streamed from the internet or my computer to the TV. You can get most stuff that way - probably even newsnight if you look hard enough.

Originally Posted by dlake02
Local news channels seem to focus on the Bay Area and bugger all else - even Bin Laden had to be linked to a "local" angle. We stopped watching altogether when the headline was "Rainbow spotted over City" - I kid you not. Don't these people know anything about the world outside ?
Yeah this is a problem a lot of people encounter with the U.S - local news is massive. It's basically there for local sports, weather (v important) and promoting local businesses - because a lot of people rely on that rather than the 24 hour news channels it results in a certain parochialism. It can feel a bit myopic when all you get is the local news and the brief national news segment which feels very sparse compared to BBC or Channel 4 news. Haven't found a U.S newsnight but then I find TV doesn't allow you to go much in depth anyway and Paxman's interviews were more about his ego than the actual issues (politicians were trained to deal with his combative interviewing style so it isn't really effective anymore). I mostly get my news from online newspapers + magazines and blogs and you can get most of these filtered into your web browser or twitter.
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Old May 11th 2011, 10:51 am
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by dlake02
\

Thanks - we will, and there are parts that we really love. San Diego is superb, SF is lovely, Monterey wonderful. Great places for a few days away, and that's exactly what we're doing.

We just weren't ready for day-to-day life being SO different.

You are right - the lack of a language barrier lulls you into a false sense of thinking you understand the culture. Truth is, we don't !
When I moved over here, many moons ago, with 2 small kids I really thought, like you did that because we spoke the same language then things were bound to be very similar and was shocked, stupidly, when they weren't.
It took me at least 18months and a couple of trips back to the UK to start to finally feel like I was settling. So hang on in there and try and go with the flow. If you compare things to the UK all the time it will drive you nuts
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Old May 11th 2011, 12:43 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and disappointed with your stay over here.

We've been here for 15 months and there are days where I've felt just like you but I have to say, they've been few and far between. Have you spoken to your wife about how you're feeling, because you say that her and the kids are okay. It is a bit of a culture shock but moving to any different country is and everyone's different when it comes to feeling settled. I'm with you about the tv, I can't stand the telly over here and during the day (I'm on the dreaded H4 and can't work) I watch only british TV via my computer. I can get BBC/ITV/Channel 4 etc so I have a vast amount of different tv from back home that I can watch and we've also got Netflix which someone else mentioned, where you can watch movies, tv and some british tv series.

As for making friends, I can honestly say I haven't found that a problem. We have made several good friends who have been more than helpful since we arrived. They've loaned us furniture, even a car when ours broke down so I can't really help on that one. I've also made friends with some of my daughters friends mum's, and that's only really been through taking the girls to their homes etc for parties and the like. Where we are in CT, everyone has been really welcoming and friendly and I certainly think that helped me at the beginning.

If the kids are not complaining, I wouldn't stress too much about clubs etc for them to join. Are there any parks near you where you could all go a cycle or what about taking up a family sport that you could all enjoy.

I'm sorry, I'm probably not much help because I love living here, but honestly, if this is going to be a short term thing, I would embrace each day, try new things that you wouldn't do back in the UK and use it as a learning opportunity to live in a different country for part of your life. A lot of people don't get that opportunity and I think if you try and integrate you and your family in to the way people live in your area, you will feel that you belong more and feel more positive. At the end of the day, maybe living in the US just isn't for you, but use the time here as an experience and adventure and it's something that you can tell your grandkids about!!!!!!! Hope you can settle down a bit and there's always us guys on here when you need to rant - wishing you all the best
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Old May 11th 2011, 1:54 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by dlake02
But what is that ? SF is a wonderful city with a great attitude, great people, excellent arts and entertainment for all types and we are spending more and more time there. I was expecting the whole of the Bay Area to be more like that I suppose, and it plainly isn't.

We've never planned on being here permanently - this is a brief (one or two year) posting. We're just finding it all so very different compared to other countries we've lived in (UK, France, Germany, Belgium, NL) - it's just a bit of a shock, that's all.

We want to know what makes Americans tick - maybe it just isn't for us, but at the moment, we're not really finding out.....
"The American way of life" you ask what is it? well it appears to be the opposite to what you are leading or we would not have this thread .....I wonder if there is a book I am sure there must be, about how to lead your life as an American even if you read it for a bit of fun
When you say it is very difficult compared to other countries!! I have lived in France, Spain, Portugal,Canada,Australia,Bali, and a few others and to be honest I found some of the above far more difficult to adapt to then the US, the countries you mention you have lived in have even more differences then the US way more, food, TV, work ethic...even their whole days work school,shopping hours are so opposite to the US/UK its unreal.

Its only been 5 months not really time to adjust, but you may well go back to Blighty and be happy, what ever you decide I wish you well
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Old May 11th 2011, 2:42 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

I haven't found it that hard to make friends both with other expats and Americans. It's just different. I have found that American families are a lot busier that British ones. For example, If they have children in school sports teams, they have to go to practice a few nights a week and weekend. They maybe have to sell things for the team, or organise team events. As they are more busy, they might genuinely not have much free time for things like coffee meet ups. We make loose plans and then confirm if we can do it nearer to the time. One of my friends here was amazed yesterday as she had a day where she didn't have to rush off to something for the school at lunch or take her kids out to something that night.
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Old May 11th 2011, 2:51 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by HumphreyC
The 'American Dream', and the 'Land of the free and the home of the brave' stuff doesn't really bother me - it's really a set of slogans or mission statements and they serve a valuable purpose - they are the kind of thing you need to forge a sense of purpose into your culture.

Case in point - Soviet Russia. Dreadful place to live but it had awesome slogans like 'Bread, peace and land', ' We'll give for the building of Socialism in 1931 ... 8 million ton of raw iron!!!', 'every day life is getting better' and 'Without pity, we'll decimate and obliterate the enemy'. Result - a strong sense of national pride and identity.

http://www.designglobe.net/wp-conten...nda-poster.jpg

The UK on the other hand is a great place to live but the majority of the inhabitants seem to think it is a shytehole - probably because we don't have a decent slogan. Maybe it could be 'cheer up you bunch of miserable tossers'
Brilliant idea Start printing the posters and all the Brits who go back for visits can plaster them in the areas they visit
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Old May 11th 2011, 3:15 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

I thought old Tony had that " Cool Britannnia" thing going on ?
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Old May 11th 2011, 3:16 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by Weeze
I haven't found it that hard to make friends both with other expats and Americans. It's just different....
Making friends I've found easy...making the kinds of friends who'd bail you out of the clink at 3am, well those life long kind of friends are much harder to make....but then again most people make those kind of friends over years from school/uni etc.
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Old May 11th 2011, 3:19 pm
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Default Re: Very low - what should we do ?

Originally Posted by penguinsix
I think we actually have in the WIKI that you should really prepare for a move to the USA as if you were moving to Mongolia. The culture, lifestyle, and even the language are different, and if you come to the US thinking it is just a different suburb of London separated by an ocean you'll soon end up bemoaning everything it is not and not appreciating what it is.

If it is any consolation, pretty much every complaint you have about the US from sort of plastic friends to crappy organizations or schools is mirrored by US expats who go to the UK. UK people are fake and phony, schools don't teach the right way, activities are few and far between. The US expats in the UK has a forum specifically for 'Homesickness and Hard Times' and if you read that you start to understand that life "as an expat" is sometimes more to blame than "your current location". Some of the problems of adjustment and whatnot befall all expats, regardless of their origin or current destination.

My only advice is to take a 'half full' approach to what you can, and start to ignore what you cannot. Focus on the things that make you happy or you enjoy on a day to day basis and try to get around the stuff that drives you nuts. Otherwise you'll end up in a rut from which there is no escape, and then when you return to the UK you might end up discovering later you blew an opportunity to discover something different or unique. In fact, you might return and discover you that you really did like something in the other country (i.e. Mexican food, or a big house, or driving along the Pacific Coast Highway) and now those are gone (aka 'curse of the expat')

Good luck with you remaining time in the US.
Although he says he's lived in a few other countries.

if it's just for 2 years, I wouldn't stress about it too much, do your time and enjoy what you can.
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