saddiah

I was just wondering if anyone had anything in comon with me .
I am the USA wife and used to my culture here,,trying to make it as comfortable as I can for my husband here .
somedays I don't think he likes USA much infact somedays he has said this even and somedays I think it's just because of the winter blahs,,being stuck indoors and nothing to do.
Things like how the children act or maybe the way we seem to waste things like food is really horrible to my husband he can't understand how we can do it,the children waste alot of food not eating all or only half ect ,ofcource they are loaded with toys and leaving a trail behind them of toys and things is just beyond ridiculous to him. I dont know how to explain right to him that ,,well it's kinda normal for us although I am trying to be neater for him ,I am not going to be exactly on target . he comes from a close family all living together ,,two servants to clean and help with all the children in there house,nothing is out of order there,,so I can't even compete with something like that and I am reminded alot of how the children behave in his homeland compared to here ,also on the cleaniness of things ,,wich I am not a pig bye any means but I got kids and here in USA we all know most anyone with kids ,,well it's over done in toys and yes I can say they are spoiled. Til my husband got here it was just me raising the kids so I can't honestly say I have done a top job,wish I had been more strict and things like that now with them. well all I know how to do is what I've been doing but if he sees a problem I sure try to make it better but the problem is how do I quit taking it so personal when he complains? I know it must be really really difficult coming here and adjusting to new things and he is doing an amazing job with working hard,now driving and learning his ways around the area and with putting up with the kids on there worst days and loving them on the good days to and we have the best of times where ever we go ,we are always honest with each other on everything and very happy ,,it's just somedays compared to his homelife in his country I feel dirty in his eyes like I am not disciplining the kids enough,,not teaching them proper manners and the wasting food well alot of things are only half eaten so it's just something I got used to ,does anyone born from here understand this? or I sound crazy?
well just wondering if there was anyone else out there in our homeland trying to make the other half happy here and worried about it.
sorry to complain just need to know if maybe I am not the only one like this..

if anyone is like this ,,what seems to help?
Sadia

MisBish

Hiya Sadia!
Wow! I do relate to you, maybe not as "harsh" but I've had a lot of the same feelings about Manc as you do about your husband. Especially the discipline thing and the toy stuff with the kids. Take it personal? Hell yes I do, I should learn not to do that, but it's hard because I'VE raised the kids so they are a reflection of me so if they are bad I feel like I've failed. Thing is I also have to step back and just realize there is a cultural difference and that there is just no way to go back in time and re-raise them to "British" standards, the ones that our husbands keep harping on about. We try to find a common place we can meet, and just agree to disagree on some things. I also will give in and maybe agree they have too many toys and ask them to thin out the herd, but then Manc will also agree to not jump down their throats for being gone all weekend with friends, or if they have a messy room. It's all give and take.
Just don't let the kids think hubby "hates" them. Always reinforce the fact he loves them and that he is not trying to come in and take over. I have to do that a lot.

Hang in there!
Good luck!
Missie

oshel

My Dad is the same, When we're in England he's fine. When we go out to America and it's ton's cheaper than the Uk, he goes really stingy! You're wasting all the food, what do you need that for?, constant moaning about how much you're buying and spending!!! I say tell them to zip it! Leave them alone with the kids for a weekend and go to a spa for the weekend with some friends and chill out!! :scared:

Manc

we're just cynical bastards.

coming from a relatively socialist country, there are a lot of things to gripe about right now for those of us whom lean to the left. (I know not all of us do)

but, if you look at the moving back to UK forum, there isn't a lot of us in the USA moving back to the UK. I think people in Australia have a lot more trouble settling in.

AdobePinon

Location, location, location! North Dakota would not be an easy place to land for a Brit (or most Americans for that matter).

One thing you need to work out - is he truly upset at the way things are in your house, or is he deflecting his more general USA problems onto you? Brits tend to have a 'right way of doing things' which is very hard to break, and they often have to give their opinions on these matters. Maybe put the kids up with someone for a while and take a vacation with your husband - he probably could benefit from seeing more of what the USA is about, and it would give you guys a chance to talk about things without house pressures.

austin_d_powers

Would I be correct in assuming your husband is from India.
Either that or his family is rich.

Tami2

Hi Saddiah,
Like Austin, I wonder where you and your husband are originally from? I am an American (Indiana) and my husband is originally from Iran. We have been married for 21 years and have had very similar issues the entire time. We've learned to give and take a bit on both sides. Yes, I am much more wasteful than he would like; he gets furious when I have to throw food out because it went bad in the fridge. He doesn't really mind if the kids don't finish everything on their plates because he knows forcing the issue could cause eating disorders, etc. He definately thinks they have WAY too many toys and clothes and honestly, I agreee with him. But this is the way I grew up and it's the way the kids have grown up (4 of them, ages 5 to 20), so he just has to bite the bullet and deal with it.

From your post it kind of sounds like he's not their biological father. If that's the case, of course you have loads of other issues that you have to deal with. If he is their father, then he's just as responsible as you are for the way the kids have been raised up to this point, even if he's not around them as much as you are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have exactly the same issues, but maybe after more than 20 years they've become less important and we've both learned to compromise. Maybe if he sees that you are really trying to come his way a bit, it will be easier for him to give in to your way some too.

Good Luck,
Tami

saddiah

Thankyou everyone ..what a nice suprise to see such caring hearts.
my husband is from pakistan,his family is not rich but they are not exactly poor either..somewhere in the middle I guess.
I am trying to really go his way on alot of things even taking interest in learning to cook indian food,I just want him happy and I tend to sometimes overlook that we are wasting food or that the kids are looking like a pack of wild dogs some days,, things are very orderly for him and so the kids with sticky fingers dont always amuse him hehe.
hmm a vacation sounds like a good idea though!!
I been doing more sceduling the kids with there biological dad on his days off ,,I think this will ease tension some.
new country new house new rules.. I can understand the frustration. its I dont know what to do when he complains..it hurts and I need a bandaid that wont stuck off some days . well ,, one thing is atleast I know where I am at all the time and what to improove on.
some things he has to just adjust to other things I'll have to really change my ways .

I love hearing from everyone...

peace and joy
Sadia

Sarah

Hi Sadia
I'm from the UK and my husband is the American. I have certainly grumbled and complained about things here in the USA, my poor husband he puts up with things very well. I think its fair for you to acknowledge that things have been tough on you, not just your husband.
When you come from a country that is a poorer than the USA it is diffcult not to feel resentful of the life people have here. Sometimes people here seem very spoiled and ungrateful about what they have and its difficult when you know of loved ones back in your home country that are still poor and going without many of the luxuries we take for granted here in the USA.
My husband grew up in a 4 bedroom house, had his own car when he was 16, his mother was able to stay at home her whole life to take care of the kids and he was considered poor! I found this difficult to take as I grew up in a tiny house, never seeing my parents as they were both always working and I was never considered poor by society. This is experience from the UK and USA and they are two countries thought to be quite similar it must be even more extreme for someone coming from Pakistan. It is a bit difficult to take, however, your husband made the decision to come over here and he has to take responsibilty for that decision. You did not force him at gunpoint to move to this country and it is not just you that has to compromise. Settling in to a new country is hard work and it does take time, don't be so hard on yourself, you were a single parent until he came along and I doubt he would have done any better than you if he was a left to take of children for a long period of time. He probably sees all that they have and wonders how they can grow into anything other than spoilt kids, but you are a product of this society and you're okay!
If you are learning to cook indian and pakistani food I'm sure he will appreciate what you are doing for him and he is obviously trying too by getting to know the area and learning to drive. I honestly think time is a big factor in him settling down and it would help if he made a friend or two over here. Maybe there is a local Indian food shop or any sort of community that he could become friendly with? My husband has been fantastic in understanding homesickness and my grumbles about the USA (mainly about the how right-wing this place is and the health care system) and I love him to bits for being so amazing I'm sure your husband feels the same , whether he shows it or not.
If you're communicating with each other and being open and honest thats great, continue to do that, ask him loads of questions about his home and how he feels, why he wanted to move here, what does he think of it so far etc talk talk talk about it and you'll have a better marriage.
Let us know how everything goes!
Sarah

austin_d_powers

You are obviously American (can't cook indian food).
How did you end up marrying someone from Pakistan.
I am assuming he was in Pakistan and not the USA.
Was this an arranged marriage? Pressure from your family?

He is from a traditional large Pakistani family (therefore you are a second class citizen in your own home).
If his religion is Islam (again you are a second class citizen in your own home).

You have to stop thinking in terms of what you are doing wrong.
The answer is he is right you are wrong, Now ask any question and you already have the answer.
Like you pointed out before he comes from a large family in pakistan with two servants and who knows how many female family members doing his bidding (making things very orderly for him).

If you were to ask the female members of his family about life in Pakistan, then the picture might not be the same as the one your husband likes to paint of Pakistan for you.

As for children behaving badly: The worst behaved out of control in public children I have encontered in America have been from Indian families. So it's not an American thing.

You did marry him, but remember this is America not Pakistan, so if all else fails you can get a divorce.

Good luck and best wishes.

Tami2

Ummm...Austin...you sound a little bitter and angry. Have you had some bad experiences with Indians or Pakistanis? You seem to be lumping everyone from that part of the world into one big stereotype. Some people might try to do that with Iranians as well, but I can assure you that they are NOT all created equal. There are as many different Indians, Pakistanis, Iranians, Swedes, BRITS, AMERICANS or any other nationality as there are possibilities.

Saddiah, please don't take Austin's harsh statements too seriously. I'm sure you can work things out with your husband, if you're both willing to try. Don't be discouraged. An elderly lady I met very briefly once told me that the first 10 years of a marriage are the hardest and after that it's smooth sailing. Since I'd only been married about 18 months that seemed like an eternity, but now, after 21 years, I think she was right. Hang in there, kiddo!
Tami

broma25

I think that this issue works both ways, my husband is the USC and I am from the UK, we are currently in the UK.

Since my husband arrived here he has complained about the way we Brits do things, our houses are too small, our cars are too small, there is nothing to do here....

The list goes on, I too make allowances for him, but boy will I get my own back when we finally move back to the states.

My turn will come.....lol

robskatie

LOL My Husband was also like this when we lived in England, and guess who wants to go back there to live now?
I think we all get used to what we have and what we have grown up with, and adjustment is easier for some than others

saddiah

I just wana thankyou all for being so helpful. well I sent the kids to there biological dads yesterday so we could talk over issues.
he misses his family and he is tired lately so he takes it out on me a little and sais just moody.
I feel better talking it thru now and I'll know what to expect from time to time and why.
he took me for a hair cut and dinner for chinese even I know he feels bad for this,,I also feel bad for him in his pain.
someone said location is alot of problem,,well that is true to,,ND is not exactly the rosiest this time of year.

planning on brighter things,

Sadia

KarnalEcho

Saddiah,
I feel for you. Hubby is from the UK and I am from the USA. Reading your post the things in common that stuck out the most was about how we waste food and the amount of toys the kids have. I grew up the only child and was adopted, at that, so I was seriously spoiled. Hubby was not spoiled in England. He learned the necessary means for respect and appreciation, where I don't feel I gained this knowledge until I was about 21. The has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 10 and I have two daughters from a previous one who are now 6 and 4. My kids were 1 & 3 when my husband came over to be with us but I was still fighting a long custody battle (X is in TX) During the trips that my kids took to see their dad, he would say nasty things about my husband and add some about me just to top it off and make things difficult for all of us. My kids absolutely loved my husband to pieces until the X started saying not to trust him and that he ruined our family blah blah blah. This has been the root of our problems but since hubby only had one child, my two at such a young age, could be a little hard to take at times (like when they fight). Our biggest quarrels are about how the kids in America have no respect and how they all seem to talk back to their parents. Wasting food is a big deal, too I suppose, we'd have bouts where he wanted them to eat what we ate and if they didn't like it, tough. I on the other hand always asked them what they wanted and made it for them and then we'd all eat together. I guess this was learned from my mother. She would make me something special or go to town and buy me whatever I wanted to eat and eventhough we all ate together, I might have a burger from McDonalds while they ate something home cooked. The kids would resent hubby for this, I know, and it is hard. I felt like the constant "breakup party" coming in to fix a mess started by resentment. Not on hubby's part but mostly on the kids part. Things were so perfect in the beginning until my X started degrading us to my children.
I was the only one who took care of them when I was in TX., their father was never around. I was a stay at home mom and did absolutely everything. Hubby on the other hand, had his mother to take care of his daughter while he and his partner worked. I am not in any way saying this is a bad thing so pleae don't take it that way, I would have given up a lot to have (any) help while I was in Tx. My point is, I was there for them 100% and once we all came to Ga. I sometimes felt that he felt the kids were too needy. We just had a lot going on. We could never find quality time and once we did it was too late to do anything.
I am rambling on and on now. Trust me if you two honestly love each other and can keep good communication going, you'll work something out. Try to speak with him about your feelings and not keep it in. That always blows up at the wrong time and it's never about the small stuff, it's always abouteverything that feels wrong to you.
Do all you can to make him happy as long as it's not making you crazy
and try to ask him to give you that much in return. I can't remember how long you said that you've been with him but all of the lines of communication will just seem to open up one day and from then on, you two will both be happy.I wish only the best for you. Every relationship has ups and downs and especially for a couple from two different backgrounds or countries. You can make it work and live happy but you can't do it by yourself. Tell him you need the same from him.
Sorry about all the ramblin, it's easy to get sidetracekd