Lesley1020

Is this normal? How did you cope in the initial period after relocating? Did anyone else relocate by themselves without being accompanied by family?

I have been feeling really low the last week or so - and have this overwhelming urge to just call a travel agent and go home and hug my mum and see all my friends.

I know it's stupid and unrealistic - especially after the struggle it took for me to get here - and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I just feel so alone.

Although my b/f was not my primary reason for moving here - I realise that I have been so reliant on him since I got here - and he leaves for vacation tomorrow and because of all the baby stuff haven't seen him since Saturday and wont now till he gets back. So another weekend alone and the only suggestions colleagues make is - "go to church" - no offence to anyone but that just isn't for me.

Sure I love it here, my apartment is great, the area is lovely, enjoying the lifestyle - but what's the point when you are doing it all by yourself. I dont think M understands how I am feeling at all - I just shut up now because I know he just thinks I'm whining all the time - and considering how hard I worked to get here (and the endless phone calls between us discussing it all) he would think I had totally gone off my rocker if I just upped and left but the feelings are so overwhelming right now - I just want to see or do something familiar.

I spent a lot of time alone at home, and it never bothered me - mostly it was by choice but here I am just not dealing with that at all.

Is this normal or am I just a loon?

Wee Besom

Hang in there,that's all I can tell you.I've been here nearly 2 years and I still have days of feeling like that but I promise it will get easier.I also share your opinion about going to church,I never did in britainand so feel uncomfortable doing it here.I felt so alone too and felt that I was putting a lot of pressure on my husband to make up for me being away from my family and friends.Eventually I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided that I was the only person responsible for my happiness and things have got better ever since.This site is a great place to let of steam too as almost everyone knows what you're going through.
Hang in there!!

Lion in Winter

Not a loon, well no more than anyone else around here anyway. It takes a while to adjust to the culture here, and the feeling that you have made a permanent move sometimes just doesn't hit until after you get here. Just because we speak more or less the same language, people think it's the same culture, but it's not. In addition, you are in the South, which is even more "different", and definitely heavy on the "go to church" kind of thing. Give it a bit of time, until you start to make some friends and develop a bit of a life here that isn't dependent on your boyfriend. Then you will be in a better situation to judge.

I asked another expat friend, married to a US cit. he met in England, how he had ended up in this country, to which he replied "I don't think of myself as having ended up here. It's more like being in the departure lounge, but I was lucky enough to get a first class ticket." You are never stuck anywhere.

By the way, were in Tenn. are you? Near any larger towns at all?

Ben

Yes, it is perfectly normal to feel like this and no, you are certainly not alone. For me the best thing I did was have a vacation home after being here for 10 months. I went home, with the children for 2 weeks and I was missing hubby by the end of it so couldn't wait to come back. It was the best thing I ever did. Been back one other time in 5 years and have no desire to go back again for a long time.

I still miss home but I am fortunate enough to get family and friends over here for a visit. I have also made a life for myself and my family here which has helped us all settle in and feel that this is becoming home for us.

Englishmum

You poor thing.

Right now you are almost certainly going through the phenomenon known as "culture shock". Even when you speak the same language as the country you have moved to, you are out of your comfort zone as nothing is familiar and you feel disorientated. You have yet to establish any friends and have no 'history' here, so you don't have old school or college friends, work colleagues who know you well etc. I should imagine it is doubly hard when one half of a couple seems to have made many/all the sacrifices and the other partner hasn't and I can see how this would easily breed resentment.

(There is actually something called 'Reverse Culture Shock" which some expats get when they go back to their home country after many years living overseas).

It tends to get better after the initial six months.

A Canadian journalist, Robin Pascoe, has written books on coping with moving to a new country. A number of years ago I had her 'Culture Shock, A Wife's Guide' and also the accompanying book 'A Parent's Guide'. She's written other similar books too. I've since given them away to other newly arrived expats. She has a website (which also has some very good links):

http://www.expatexpert.com

Lesley; Just a thought - do you like animals eg. cats and/or dogs? Instead of going to church (!) perhaps during the long lonely weekend/s you might be welcomed to help out at any local animal rescue shelter? They always need volunteers to help out with walking dogs, feeding or grooming, playing with them etc. or maybe assisting at a pet adoption day at a mall or petshop? It might also be a nice way to meet some kind-hearted people. Or you could type in 'voluntary work' on a search engine and see what comes up in your area.

I hope you feel better soon.

Lesley1020

I'm in Cordova / Germantown which is about 20 miles east of Memphis. It's a really great area - and safe etc with lots of nice restaurants, bars, malls etc. I have to admit the one thing I got used to really quickly is the standard of living - I mean for $649 a month I have a beautiful, pretty large apt with all the mod cons and its on a 17 acre lake, has a ton of facilities - and I do enjoy driving home from work to somewhere like that and sitting out on my balcony with a wee glass of wine or three! :-D What I would give right now tho for an episode of Eastenders or Corrie! The closest thing I have found to familiar is old Hyacinth Bucket on Keeping Up Appearances! Sadly I got quite excited when I noticed that was on TV the other night.

I think at the root of it all is probably my dependancy on M - and I am panicking because of all the problems he is having right now and I feel like he is probably feeling suffocated and pulling away. I guess there's not a lot I can do about that just have to wait and see what happens. I suppose what's really bothering me is the lack of control I feel I have over anything right now. After all the calamities of the first month - financial and otherwise - I couldn't even raise the plane ticket home if I wanted to.

OK moan over!

Lion in Winter

Hey you can moan if you want to! It is, allegedly, a free country.

Your life has been a lot too exciting lately, not to mention having James Bond's boss as a boyfriend, and the stress can get to you. Do try getting out for those glasses of wine with someone from work or something. Human company can really help, and there must be some good music to be heard around Memphis. Do you like Blues at all?

sibsie

I moved to Spain on my own and the first year there was very up and down. I think it takes at least 18 months in a new place to find your feet.

Now I'm in the US I'm much more settled, though my husband works away at least three days a week and will be away for all of June. I think if I didn't have outside interests I'd find it really tough.

I haven't been back to England since I first left for Spain but really want to.

If it helps you can watch Easties on the internet using Real Player. PM me for the link.

daveuk1965

I got terribly down in both Holland and Germany - didn`t help that my Dad was ill, though. After a month I was, er, "irked", after three months I just HAD to go home - funny thing was, as soon as the plane wheels touched the tarmac in Blighty, the pilot could`ve taken off again and I`d be OK.

I reckon a lot of it is down to feeling "trapped"......... when you realise for sure that you CAN go home any time - England is just a few hours away - you`re fine.

After six months, you get the pangs again and then it gradually gets better from there. Way I looked at it, eventually, was that I was on an "extended holiday". ;-))))))))))))))

Hope all`s fine- no worries, please, it`s quite normal. Take it easy and if all else fails, crack open the bourbon - worked for me !!

Lesley1020

Thanks guys - I've checked into a few groups to "meet people" but those were all Christian related too - but I'm gonna put on my brave face and try to go to the "pool party" they're having from 5-8 on Friday - assuming I get out of work in time lol.

I have to make the effort myself I know that - anyways I'm gonna drive over to M's tonight - he called me earlier and now I feel bad that he feels so guilty. Anyways I have this feeling he's probably gonna break up with me tonight - he was broken hearted leaving the baby on Sunday and told me he's not sure he should be in a relationship right now under the circumstances but we need to talk - so that should be fun. Which brings me to another weird thing - don't they believe in street lighting in the US? LOL. He lives an hour from me and wont be done from work till 10 - I normally avoid driving that road in the dark as it is real pitch black and nothing around for miles - but I don't wanna be mulling all of this over while he's in Oregon (he's visting his mum to tell her about the baby) I would rather know now. At this point tho if what I think is gonna happen tonight does - I just don't know how I'm gonna deal with it.

On the bright side - I am very happy with the choice of Ben & Jerry's I got now hehehe.

monster

I got over it by taking up hobbies I'd always wanted to do and never had the money/access in the UK (pottery and figure skating). Initially, it just got me out of the house and gave me something else to do other than sitting feeling sorry for myself, but soon it led to new friends and suddenly I didn't feel so alien any more. Are there any evening/weekend classes in your area?

CalgaryAMC

Sympathise with you. I was last in Britain five years ago. I have developed chronic boredom. I live in a neighbourhood that is like something out of a disney movie; nothing happens. The perfectness is tedious. Driveway after driveway of perfectly poured concrete with a shining SUV on it and a house that is really a garage with a house attached on to it...

But friends are what make a place: you need to make some. Easier than it sounds I realise.

Franklin

It is normal and emotionally hard too. The realization that this is a permanent move really hits home. But making good friends and enjoying what your area has to offer is one good way to adjust and feel better. And of course you have British Expat sites to help you make new Brit friends who have been through the pain and adjustment. Good luck!

Pimpbot

I must not be part of the norm then. I've been here over 10 months and haven't looked back since the plane landed last july.

CalgaryAMC

It took me about 4 years before I started getting bored. That said, I'd rather be bored than back in Britain.