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Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Old Aug 22nd 2004, 11:18 pm
  #1  
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Default Twisted Nursery Rhymes

I'm trying to remember so of the old 'alternate' rhymes from my younger days. Here's some of the ones I came up with can anyone remember any more?

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three Mice Ran Up The Clock,
The Clock Struck One,
The Other Two Got Away With Minor Injuries.

Ding Dong Bell,
Pussies In The Well,
But Now We've Put Some Dettol Dow,
We Won't Mind The Smell.

Mary Had A Little Lamb,
With Whom She Used To Sleep,
That Little Lamb It Was A Ram,
And Now She's Having Sheep.

Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill,
To Fetch A Pail Of Water,
I Don't Know What They Did Up There,
But Now They Have A Daughter.
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 3:22 am
  #2  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
it sent 10,000 volts up it's arse
and turned it into nylon
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 3:24 am
  #3  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
And it was always bleating
She tied it to a 5-bar gate
And kicked its little ****** in
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 3:46 am
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Spider, Spider on the wall
you think your smart
but you know f**k all,
thats the wall
thats just been plastered
now your stuck
you stupid b**tard

I know... its not a nursery rhyme... but it is cute.
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 4:55 am
  #5  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

The boy stood on the burning deck
Picking his nose like fury
Rolling it up in little balls
And flicking it at the jury.

The boy stood on the burning deck,
his body all a quiver.
He gave a cough, his leg flew off
and floated down the river.
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 12:12 pm
  #6  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
she milked it with a spanner.
Milk came out in shilling tins,
an small uns at a tanner.

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch the postman a letter
But when she got there the cupboard was bare
so they had it without and was better.
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 1:07 pm
  #7  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

The boy stood on the burning deck
Playing a game of cricket
The ball rolled up his trouser leg
And stumped his middle wicket
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 1:09 pm
  #8  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candle stick
Silly boy he should have jumped higher
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 1:12 pm
  #9  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Little miss muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Knickers all tattered and torn
It wasn't a spider that sat down beside her
But little boy blue with the horn
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 2:03 pm
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Little Bo Peep Has lost her sheep,
and don't know where to find them,
leave them alone and they will come home,
with torch wielding French farmers behind them.


A boy and a girl went out hiking,
Of course they were both wearing shorts,
They stopped at the old pig & whistle,
And there had a couple of ports,
When they came home that evening,
The neighbours all started to quiz,
For he came home wearing her shorts,
And she came home wearing his.
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Old Aug 23rd 2004, 4:06 pm
  #11  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
She took it to a wedding
She tied it to a lampost
and kicked it's ****ing head in.
 
Old Aug 23rd 2004, 5:35 pm
  #12  
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Default Re: Twisted Nursery Rhymes

My friend billy had a 6 ft willy,
he showed to the girl next door,
she thought it was a snake,
and hit it with a rake,
and now its only 5ft 4.
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