BrigieDarling

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the
flower
and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
Programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no
avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
Package,while
Husband 1.0 is an operating System. Try to enter the command:
"C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should
automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as
designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and
Flowers 3.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause
Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1
is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8

Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

BrigieDarling

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

207lonsdale

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks�. The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first�. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?� asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler� replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?� “Well, I only bet on sure things,� said the guy. “Like what?� asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.� The bartender thought about it, “Ok�. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me� said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye� said the man. The bartender thought again and said “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet�. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again�. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50� said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop�.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Ok, you’re on�. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!� The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s ok. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1,000 each that I could piss all over you and the bar AND still make you laugh!�