So homesick
 

Hi
We moved to LA 2 months ago for my husband's job on a two year assignment. We sold our home in the uk as renting it didn't appeal, and it wasn't feasible to leave it empty for long periods. We are renting here, and I feel rootless and am desperately homesick. I miss my family and friends so much. Our youngest son has severe special needs, and I feel I've lost my support network totally.
I know it's early days, but please let me know I'm not alone and things will get better

Re: So homesick
 

I think the two month period is the worst.

Maybe you can did other mom's who have kids with special needs too. You might find some relatable people.

Re: So homesick
 

I can't say that things will get better, but it will get easier. 2 months is about the time I started to feel homesick when we moved to Australia. The initial "honeymoon" period has worn off somewhat, and day to day life has set in.

Is there a mom's and tots group near you that you can join? Or maybe a British club you can go to so you don't feel so "fish out of water"?

Re: So homesick
 

You are not alone. If you have BE you will never be alone .
Many of us get the wretched homesick thing. I wish it were not so but it is something that can suddenly hit you & then stay with you until suddenly one day you realise it has passed. That does not mean it will get you again but it will not always be with you

A couple of months is very early days and I am not surprised you feel a fish out of water.

As Dorothy says,even though you feel a bit rotten , see if you can find a group to join so at least you are meeting people.

Have a hug from me.

Re: So homesick
 

It'll get better. Meet people, get out of the 'ouse.

Re: So homesick
 

I do agree with this. I too felt homesick...very homesick after about 2 months. It took me many years to come to terms with it.

Re: So homesick
 

I fear that the very fact that you are here on a two year limited assignment means that you are already in "countdown mode", counting the remaining days until you can go "home". Therefore I fear that the homesickness might not go away as the others have predicted. :unsure:

Re: So homesick
 

I'm so sorry, I've been really homesick at various times too. Being the carer of a special needs child is really, really tough too. And, you have lost your support network. I find action, getting busy is helpful. Make a list of all the places you want to visit, the parks, the beaches, the mountains, the cities, the restaurants and put them on the calendar. Book your flights home for christmas, it's almost 3 months to go which is meant to be the best time to book long haul flights. it will give you something to look forward to.

I know how hard looking after a special needs child is - I worked with special needs kids in France and it's hard. Can you get some help looking after them? Someone to take your kid for the morning or afternoon? Phone a pediatrician's practice and ask if they know of any resources like support groups.

Look on meetup.com or FB for any Brit groups in the area. It's amazing how warm beer , terrible greasy fish and chips and awful jokes will cheer you up.

We all go through it. I go to wholefoods and spend a small fortune on french goodies when I get homesick ( although I'm british, I don't miss British food much).

Big hugs
xxx

Re: So homesick
 

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug Sue1973.

I can only imagine how particularly tough and potentially isolating your particular situation must be.

You've been given great advice already. Daft as this might sound, I just wondered if another option/ source for anticipation might be visitors out to you? Is anyone planning to come? Or, could you fully or partly sub someone to visit? Might be a way to get some help (and some time off for you time/ date night etc). More than that, I was thinking how trips home inevitably get you anticipating things back in U.K. whereas planning to show guests around gets you more immersed in the US.

Obvs as PF says, you can do that also by planning family trips and places you want to see.

I'm in month seven. At the risk of sounding melodramatic ive found the homesickness a bit like a kind of grief. For me at least, the sharp, stabbing part of it has passed and now waves wash over me sometimes but it's not a problem. Some things (family birthdays for example) I know will be hard but I'm mentally prepared for them. But a post on FB or a photo or a reference on TV can catch me off guard and leave me feeling quite homesick and cast adrift somewhere I hadn't planned on being. But, it passes and I make myself list things I do like and things I could do / see here that I couldn't at home.

Keep posting. You're not alone xxx

Re: So homesick
 

+1

As others have said, would your friends / family visit you?

Re: So homesick
 

2 years' contract = 2 years of holiday!! The kids have to go to school and OH to work but with no pressure on you to find a job, you can actually go out and do the fun stuff. I'm assuming it's also a pretty well paid deal too so the money is there.

Research into employee relocations has shown time after time that having a trip home about 6 months into the contract is an ideal timing. Any sooner and you don't get over the homesickness, much longer and the whole thing feels like a drag. It gives you something to look forward to in those first few difficult months and employees that get this trip home at 6 months have a much more succesful assignment. They are much less likely to cut the contract short or fail to renew if asked. It's a winner all round.

But first, if your child is not at school, then get some help. You need the time off.

Re: So homesick
 

I certainly looked forward to my trips home...but when I got back to the US I felt even more depressed. Same with visitors...when they had gone back everything seemed to empty.

After 3 years I decided the best thing to do was to sell our UK house which I used for trips home and not visit...but concentrate on life in the US instead of dreaming about my old life. At that point I didn't go back to the UK for around 6 years. I found it did help but I still got down from time to time.

Re: So homesick
 

Re: So homesick
 

+1

Yes, meet people and do fun stuff. Otherwise, it's like going on a two week vacation and never leaving your hotel room. Except that in your case, it's two years!

Use this as an opportunity to pursue something that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. Maybe reignite an old interest or start a new one? Maybe volunteer with a church, charity, non-profit or whatever that you find appealing?

Re: So homesick
 

That is what I would usually say, but the OP is a caregiver for a special needs child. OP, I’d suggest looking for an organization for families in similar circumstances— perhaps your pediatrician may be able to steer you in the right direction — and make connections with local people who understand what you are dealing with and can give support. Hopefully that might have the added benefit of helping to integrate you into your new community. Good luck!

Re: So homesick
 

I understand, and that makes it more of a challenge. Caring for special needs can be draining and spending at least a small amount of time doing something unrelated can be very healthy.

BTW, great suggestion on the pediatrician. I find them to be an amazing resource in this country!

Re: So homesick
 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be so tough, especially with a special needs child. I echo what most of the other posters have said: try to meet some other parents. Americans are really not that different from us and many people who live in big cities like LA are from other parts of the USA and are probably missing friends and family too.

Re: So homesick
 

Thank you for all the replies. I agree that because we're here for 2 years I'm on countdown to leaving, which is sad.
Our middle son is now also hating school - he's not made any friends and sits alone at lunchtime. I feel emotionally wrung out.
We are back in the uk for Christmas, and I'm so looking forward to seeing my mum, but worried I'll not want to get back on the plane to return.
Thank you for listening

Re: So homesick
 

We came over on 10th August so are hitting 7 weeks on Thursday. And the honeymoon period is well and truly over. We like you sold everything back in the UK. My husbands visa is for 3 years but it is a permanent job offer and a permanent move. We are to apply for our green cards during this time. My daughter also hates school the pace and rate of work is much heavier and the school days longer. There are no other British kids in her year even though the school assured us there was "loads" in the school but didn't tell us there were none in 8th grade! I worked full time in the UK and I am waiting for my EAD card before I can work here which won't be until about November. I have a husband at work all day and a daughter at school and I'm on my own (other than our dog who we brought over). This is really affecting me and probably making me even more homesick as I was in my last job 10 years and they were my second family. But I know it's not forever. I know I will get a job and my daughter will settle at school. We came in to this with eyes wide open and expected the road to be rough but with the intention of it being "forever". This is where we live now and we no longer refer to the UK as home. I like you feel very very alone but I am on the look out for expat groups and have put my name down at the local library and school as a volunteer. I appreciate this is difficult for you to do due to you having your child to care for. I'd ask at your library for any info on parent and child groups. They seem to know everything! I have regular facetime with my family and this does help. But you are not alone whilst you have us on here. I've been told off friends that have moved abroad that after 3-6 months things get easier. Here's hoping!

Re: So homesick
 

I started to hit a bit of a rut recently and I've been here 5 months now. Like many others, I sold everything in the UK and went 'all in' to move here; back home I had a great life with a really good career, lovely house, fantastic friends and family which gave me a brilliant social life... but I knew exactly what I was leaving behind so I can't say I'm unhappy, I guess more than anything I'm frustrated.

Waiting for the EAD is a real pain, I think that's probably affecting me more than anything as I've never been out of work before but I know it's just a waiting game. I guess the other
thing for me is not being able to replicate the interests I had back home; I can't follow the rugby team I've watched since I was a kid and join my mates at the games, I can't watch the bands I used to enjoy seeing in the UK as they either don't tour the US or if they do, not in Georgia (totally different type of music taste down here in the South!), there isn't any rallying (motorsport) down here either which is something I'd be involved with at least 10 weekends in a year... these are the things that I am missing the most because they were part of what makes me, me! I just need to get over this and find new things to enjoy because again, I knew all this before I flew out here.

I'm trying to embrace my new life, new friends, new surroundings but until I can fully let go of the old stuff I know that's not going to happen and there's no quick fix, it's just time. It's the same for us all; once we accept that it's gone we can move on. You're definitely not alone, we all go through the same process but many people on here are testament to the fact it does get better. You will be fine, we all will!

Re: So homesick
 

For you, try finding people. Like others have suggested, meetup, google search for groups near you with common interests. What do you enjoy doing? If you do something here you enjoy you'll find people that also enjoy the same things.

For your son, what does he like to do? Sports, scouts? Try and find him a team to join or a group to join and he'll make friends more easily.

I found myself feeling at home when I made American friends. Can you volunteer at the school? Find a local expat group? (Although I need a mix of expat and US friends). Find a book club? Are there any did work people you can invite over one weekend? Maybe some of their partners would be nice?

Re: So homesick
 

That's tough on your middle son. Do the school have any ideas to help him? Do they have mentors? I can imagine he might feel a fish out of water and somewhat overwhelmed. I hope he can click with someone soon. Even if he's feeling really low now, it might not take too much for it to turn around. Must be heart breaking for you.

I was similarly worried about returning after a fabulous trip home, 6-months in. I'd been so looking forward to those weeks at home: reconnecting with friends and family, NCT and extended family play dates, familiar places, pubs, nice food - and company/ support. The trip didn't disappoint and I was SO sad to leave. Weirdly though, and I think it's partly because I don't know when the next UK trip will be (probably 18-months earliest) I'm settling back better than ever. I am actually excited to experience fall colours, Halloween, Thanksgiving etc. Proper American things. It's taking time but our neighbours are friendly and I'm feeling more relaxed. Would any of that engage your son? Could you bear to host a small party with some of his classmates? Might get the ball rolling?

And if it is a real wrench to come back after Xmas, you'll be 1/4 of the way through the assignment.

Is your other half offering much emotional support?

Re: So homesick
 

Maybe this has already been said but what about using skype or other type of video calls to the UK? watching Youtube videos of the UK, such as travel channels etc. Not perfect but does help.

Re: So homesick
 

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your replies to my thread. I'm feeling so much better now (we'll have been here 3 months next week), and really enjoying living where we do. Once our furniture arrived from the UK and we started to turn the house into our home it helped enormously. Thank you for all your encouragement 😊
Our only issue now is that our son hates high school, but I'll post a new thread about that!

Re: So homesick
 

I am so pleased you are feeling better and settling, that is great to hear. Hope all settles down for your son, huge move and change for him and hopefully like you, he just needs time.

Re: So homesick
 

Glad to know it's getting better!

Re: So homesick
 

I first moved to the USA when I was still in school. I'll be totally honest, I missed home so much. I missed my friends and family. It got to a point where I was back and forth.

However, I decided to stick with it and as time went on, I became less home sick. I was young at the time, and it's just me and my dad living here. I left all my friends and family behind (mom, brother, sisters, nephews and nieces).

Now, I don't think I will live there (not yet anyway). Don't get me wrong, I sometimes miss the way of life, but it's nothing like homesick at all. I'm totally used to it now, and I believe if you try get through the hardest part, you will be absolute fine. for me it did get a lot easier. Just remember, you are only a flight away. You can see anyone anytime you want to.

Just hand in there for a while. Personally, I think you'll be just fine.

Good luck!

Re: So homesick
 

On the going back to the UK front, we went back 7 months after our arrival, and while I have loved it from day one I was worried about my wife and children. Within hours of our return we realised we had made a good decision in giving it a go in the USA - quite a few things that had just been part of everyday life started to annoy me :-) Like the dreary sky, the general lack of tidyness (places just looked grubby) and size - everything seemed so much more cramped. The driving was also eye opening - while here it is lazy, in the UK is was amazing how quickly I had switched to an aggressive approach, and felt penned in!

Re: So homesick
 

I agree that you can never really predict anything with much certainty. Bouts of homesickness can come and go. It just takes some event involving family or friends back home to set it off again e.g. wedding, birth, illness, funeral, school reunion, etc. My wife got over her initial homesickness many years ago but it returned with the illness and death of her mother several years ago and now again with her father being ill. I also have parents back home that have health issues. The life of an expat is always one of "what ifs".

Re: So homesick
 

Having moved with my family many times for long periods of time and experienced what you are going through first hand, I can tell you that joining a group or church or team is the best thing to cure homesickness. Two months is really the most difficult time and it gets so much better after that, especially when you join a group. I promise it helps a lot. :-)