Fatty

So all of you Brits who have left the UK and settled in across the water already...can you help me survive this difficult time, any advice etc..?

I was born and bred in the UK, but by US parents, so I have citizenship and am going through the immigration process so I can move over to the States with my husband and kids, hopefully in Spring 2007.

The only family I have in the UK is my mum and my baby brother, who is 9 years old. Everyone else is in the USA. But all our friends are here, as are my husband's family.

Whenever we talk about moving away, people seem to get so agressive or shut off. Friends aren't as interested in spending time with us anymore, because I guess they feel like we've rejected them or something, or like we think we're too good for their country.

What upsets me most is my mum and baby brother. He cries whenever I bring it up, and she gets really angry. She prefers to pretend I'm not really going. But I feel I need to talk to her about it, I can't just never mention it, then suddenly be like, oh we're leaving on Saturday. Sigh. My daughters LOVE my baby brother so much, and they will be so heartbroken when I steal them away from him.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it? Am I just upsetting everyone and breaking families apart out of selfishness? I just feel like I can give them a better life there, and like I can actually be happy and settle down there.

How did you survive saying goodbye to family? How did they react to you? Does it get easier? How do you live with the guilt? Am I doing the wrong thing?

Patrick Hasler

It's very hard and I feel for anyone who goes through it.
I left not just my Dad, my Sister and family but I also left two kids who were at the time late teens. We travel back whenever we can and I soend every spare moment with my now 25 year old son and he has been here, but each time we part again we both cry. My dad is now 91 years old and each time I leave I feel it could be the last time we ever meet. I put him in a taxi outside his favourite pub with another old geyser last time I left him because I knew if I took him home we would both be crying and I wouldn't want to leave. I phone him every sunday morning and dread the day he doesn't answer.
My daughter seems to hate me for leaving and although she has seen me when I go she vanishes once she has the designer clothes we bring her and I never hear from her till next visit.

Tbag

Hello and welcome

I am sure many others will tell you it is never easy, though that depends on your circumstances.

Everyone handles goodbyes differently....
My mum verged on angry, but not cause she was mad, because she was just upset to see me move away. My dad just kept quiet. They probably just want whats best for you and really want you to be happy, but they know it won't be easy and you will miss each other very much.

Some friends are probably avoiding you because it's just hard to say goodbye or they might just not understand, it may not mean that they are not excited for you and happy.

I have been here over a decade and it never gets any easier saying goodbye to loved ones, but it's part of the package you have to accept with the move. It's your life and you should do what is right in your situation.

I wish you all the best for your move to the states.

Jerseygirl

We were lucky I suppose...none of our family members showed any anger or resentment towards us. We said our goodbyes a couple of days before we left rather than leave it until the last day.

If you think things are bad now, wait until you've been here for 3-6 mths and you begin to feel homesick.

Although its nice to go back and visit...saying goodbye all over again is just as gut wrenching as when you left the first time. Like Patrick...we have elderly parents...you always wonder if you will ever see them again. Its all part of the expat package I'm afraid...life will never be the same again.

Tbag

[QUOTE=

Although its nice to go back and visit...saying goodbye all over again is just as gut wrenching as when you left the first time. Like Patrick...we have elderly parents...you always wonder if you will ever see them again. Its all part of the expat package I'm afraid...life will never be the same again. [/QUOTE]

Never a truer word was spoken
The high, highs when you see each other and the low, lows as the time creeps towards the departure. Almost the worst roller coaster ride imaginable.
That and waiting for results from the doctor

Fatty

See I'm quite used to the goodbyes. My dad moved back to the states when I was 12 years old. It was really difficult, and every time we've had to say goodbye since have been just flooded with tears and pain. My brother who is like my idol and soul mate, moved back in 2000, and he's been here every year since. But the last couple days of his visits I just dread the goobye time. It's part of my life. Always has been really.

But this will be the first time the goodbyes are my fault. It's from my own choice. And it's sooo hard being on this side of it. I suddenly feel bad for how I may have acted towards my brother when he moved over. I know now how hard it must have been for him.

Sigh. It's the guilt I guess, it's eating me up. And the fact that I'm introducing the whole "goodbye" scene to my kids now too, and they'll have to go through it. I feel like the bad guy.

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling very down tonight.

Jerseygirl

I would try to play it down a little as far as your children are concerned. We concentrated on telling our daughter what a great time she was going to have. She was 11...settled here straight away and has never pined for for the UK.

Fatty

That's a really good idea. My kids are still young enough that they feed off of my reactions I guess. If I make out that it's a really upsetting thing they're going to react that way. And likewise if I emphasise the excitement and positive aspects. I never actually thought of it that way before. Thanks, I really appreciate the advice. You're absolutely right.

Jerseygirl

The same probably applies to your young brother...don't talk about it too often...when you do tell him what a great time he will have when he visits.

How old are your children? As far as your friends are concerned...this is the time when you find out who your true friends are. You have quite a while before you move...I wouldn try not to mention it again to your mum and brother until nearer the time if it's causing so much heartache.

robskatie

This would be the tactic I would use, I always think that when we have family visit we actually spend quality time with them, going out and doing things and sitting around talking for long periods of time, things that we probably would not have time to do in our everyday life. You may want to have a quick read of Issie's blog, she is having similar problems. Good luck

blaze

My two best friends from childhood are still my two best friends to this day. It was bad when I left home, they really had as hard a time with me leaving as I did but you're right, this is definately the time when you find out who your true friends really are. They will stick by you because they care about you, if they don't then they weren't good friends in the first place.

As far as your family goes, it's hard and it will remain that way everytime you have to leave them but you have to do what is best for you and if that means moving to the states then so be it. You are in a unique situation in as much as you have ties to both countries, this is not just a move because you think the grass will be greener like so many other expats do.

Britain isn't going anywhere. Give it a decent amount of time and if you just can't handle it you can always go back. I know that it isn't as easy as I just made it out to be but you know what I mean, you can go back.

Good luck with everything and just so you know, we pretty much all have down days so you're not alone.

Sarah

Same thing happened to me with the whole attitude from friends and some family members. Some acted as though I thought I was suddenly better than they were and regarded me as though I was rejecting them and Britain.
People who say they'll keep in touch don't....thats a tough one to go through but you will.
No, it doesn't get easier leaving when you go for visits, you just get used to it being painful, and the guilt at leaving your mum and brother won't suddenly disappear either, but if you want to do it, then do it.
Btw - I know you've said you think you'll have a better life over here, but what exactly about living here do you think will constitute a better life?

workboresme

I wouldn't say you were being selfish at all. You have a husband and family to think about - YOUR family. It's YOUR future and nobody can make you do something you don't want to do.
Your mum will be upset, which is understandable, but when she sees how happy you are I'm sure it will get better.
Where are you moving to? If you'll be anywhere near FL or CA, you can always bribe your brother with trips to Disneyland/Disneyworld, tell him you'll take him to places he's seen on TV.

It was hard when ex-hubby and I moved here, but my mum comes and visits every year and has a great time. This last summer, she even went on a road trip with one of my friend's moms!

You probably will get homesick after a while, but that's the life of the expat. When it happens, just take a look around you, look at what you've got and who you've got and it should all turn out ok

Good luck, and welcome to America!

britnyank

Hi.
I just moved here three weeks ago, after 18 months of planning (and trying to get Visas sorted out!).
I know exactly what you're going through with regard to friends and family. Some of my 'closest' friends/family have hardly had anything to do with me in the last year, and certainly not the last three months before we left. They did not even attend our 'leaving do'. It hurt, but then other friends -who I have not known quite as long, but who have always been there for me - supported me throughout even upto the last mad dash to the airport when our taxi didn't turn up! And although it is still early days, they are the ones ringing every week to check we're settling in okay.
It was hard to leave my sister and her family (my two year old nephew) and my fairly recently widowed father, but they too supported me more verbally towards the last few weeks. I think last year they were both hoping it would fall through and it wasn't talked about apart from in general with the hiccups from USCIS etc! Once we had our dates finalized though, they were great - fully supportive of our move away (even my ex's parents, who are obviously going to see a lot less of their grandchildren).
There were - understandably - a lot of tears at the airport, on all sides, and I can always hear the catch in my Dad's throat when we say goodbye on the telephone and I miss my sister & nephew terribly, but we're possibly in closer contact now through email, msn and telephone than we were at home (except the youngster is really stubborn, and will not say hello on the phone!). It does not make up for not seeing people but it really does help.
My girls are going through the same thing with their own friends - teenagers can be really cruel - but the best ones are sticking close by - again, than heavens for msn!
I know we're barely even into the woods yet, let alone out of them!, but I think that most family and friends who want the best for you will support your decision to try for a new life.
Good luck. I hope you can make it work.

commoner

I'm an American living in England with my English husband.

Honestly not meaning to say anything rude about your family, but I really feel badly for people in our shoes who want to relocate to a different country and who's family is vocally dissapointed.

As someone pointed out, you have to do what's best for your family. Your mother and brother are very important, but your husband and kid(s) are top priority.

My mother knows where she stands in my life. She's integral to my mental health and I love her tremendously, but my husband and daughter come first. This is what she expects of me as a wife and mother.

This may sound silly, but there are two things that have helped me out quite a bit. They may help you:

If you are or know a computer literate person, you can set up a VIOP number for England and the US. My mother-in-law can call a local number to phone us, regardless of where we are living. My mother in the US has a local number for her to call us, and that costs 6 euros a month to maintain.

Also, and this may sound silly, but video conferencing has helped our family. My 14-month-old daughter interacts with her American granny almost every night before bedtime, and sometimes my Mom will casually call me for a video conference several times a week at short intervals. Seeing her face to face really helps, and it's almost like living next door to her.

Having the VOIP number helps considerably, and in my experience the older relatives tend to call more because they don't think the call is uber expensive.

Although I'm not personally happy with the US politically and socially at the moment, I'd move back there in a second because my daughter would have an endless supply of relatives to love her, as contrast to my husband's mother and brother.

Your daughters will probably feed off of your feelings. If you appear to be happy and satisfied with your decision, hopefully your children will pick up on this. Either way, please trust your gut.

HTH

Laura